Story I (might) like getting groomed

[corgiee]

Sorry for the long read


When i was 8-12 ish years old i was raped many times a year by a family member. he was in the same generation as me (early 20s at the time) so we were allowed to hang out alone at family gatherings. i have never once expressed this to anybody because i dont trust and dont contact my family, but thats a different issue for another time. but he really truly made me feel cared about for the first time in my life, because im the youngest child in my fam and i never got any pampering or anything, and was definitely a mistake, just never felt like anybody ever cared for me at all in short. this man was the closest i ever got to a loving family, even though he took advantage of me like this. after i got older, his family moved away so i was left with just my parents and my brothers in the city and we really never saw them again. a couple years ago when i was 14 or 15, i went on twitter to find a sort of p3dofile community on there, which was actually quite large some of the kids on there had over 1k followers and got a lot of interactions, attention, etc. i wont get into the details but it attracted me to join it for the attention. i was really careless with myself and sent photos videos of my body and my face to many people and posted myself, posted a lot. and i even did meetups for money. these experiences and the conversations, the physical touch reminded me of the family member before and i really loved it a lot. i did this for a year-ish until my account was suspended for the second time and i needed to focus more on school. i still miss the feeling, even if their love wasn't real it was the most attention ive ever recieved and no one was negative to me. and i just loved how they made me feel every time. now im 18 wishing i was younger to experience the same kind of love.
thinking about this makes me want to puke, too. its uncomfortable living with this fact about me

 

[Aisley]

I understand.

My sexuality was warped at 11 by a family member, and later, in my late teens and early twenties I mostly played with men in their forties, and the appreciation they showed was very real, for the most part. So, it's not too late for you, I guess. I was more doing it as a study in human nature, but whatever, really.

 

[corgiee]

I understand.

My sexuality was warped at 11 by a family member, and later, in my late teens and early twenties I mostly played with men in their forties, and the appreciation they showed was very real, for the most part. So, it's not too late for you, I guess. I was more doing it as a study in human nature, but whatever, really.

kind of weird that stuff like this affects how you think about people in your life and the type of people you like, i wonder if this is common

 

[Aisley]

Our first sexual experiences imprint on us all in a very permanent way. And those experiences can take a few forms, a normal healthy encounter, molestation or even something on tv or the internet. It's a pathway that's made where before there was nothing.

 

[sillyburner]

I have a similar experience with the family member part.
When i was 10> years old, I was molested/raped by an older sibling for over two years. It's definitely left somewhat of a scar now on my mental health, a condition called CSBD. The attention I got from him was unparalleled. We hung out more than any of my friends, we played games together, hell, we made videos together. We were close. He asked me to do a favor (the aforementioned similar experience) and I had to do it for him.
Honestly, I don't think it was worth the therapy. I felt more loved by him, and even though I understand it was pedophilia, I just don't feel bad about it.

 

[dialogos]

Its called imprinting. Its one of many methods to take full control of a child. Read up about mkultra. Brainwashing isn't always violent but a series of reward punishment routines to create a slave. Sex is a powerful means to control a child. Even some adults can be dominated this way. Its why later on in truly civilized societies, mechanisms were placed to prevent children from being taken advantage of. As a kid, sex can be confused with love. Predators know that young minds can't handle the distinction... I'm sorry this happened to all of you. They took advantage of a natural need to be loved and degraded that. I hope you can be free of this yoke

 

[fedupwithlife]

Did you talk about this with your therapist or is it a really private matter that you're not comfortable sharing except here?

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

Yes, I've experienced something similar when I was still under 20 in my teens. Hell, even my face looks so similar to yours in your pfp.

Someone groomed me in an online game and I felt so loved back then. It took years for me to truly understand and feel how bad and wrong it was. Nowadays I only experience disgust and a strong repulsion for those who would be willing to destroy a minor's soul like that.

It's such a long and heavy process, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, too.
Intense trauma therapy is something that can really help, but it's a rocky path.

 

[venin]

Sorry for the long read


When i was 8-12 ish years old i was raped many times a year by a family member. he was in the same generation as me (early 20s at the time) so we were allowed to hang out alone at family gatherings. i have never once expressed this to anybody because i dont trust and dont contact my family, but thats a different issue for another time. but he really truly made me feel cared about for the first time in my life, because im the youngest child in my fam and i never got any pampering or anything, and was definitely a mistake, just never felt like anybody ever cared for me at all in short. this man was the closest i ever got to a loving family, even though he took advantage of me like this. after i got older, his family moved away so i was left with just my parents and my brothers in the city and we really never saw them again. a couple years ago when i was 14 or 15, i went on twitter to find a sort of p3dofile community on there, which was actually quite large some of the kids on there had over 1k followers and got a lot of interactions, attention, etc. i wont get into the details but it attracted me to join it for the attention. i was really careless with myself and sent photos videos of my body and my face to many people and posted myself, posted a lot. and i even did meetups for money. these experiences and the conversations, the physical touch reminded me of the family member before and i really loved it a lot. i did this for a year-ish until my account was suspended for the second time and i needed to focus more on school. i still miss the feeling, even if their love wasn't real it was the most attention ive ever recieved and no one was negative to me. and i just loved how they made me feel every time. now im 18 wishing i was younger to experience the same kind of love.
thinking about this makes me want to puke, too. its uncomfortable living with this fact about me

You deserve to be loved so much I'm sorry this was the only way you could obtain it… You should not punish yourself for a second. You seem like a normal human being who wants to receive love

 

[corgiee]

Did you talk about this with your therapist or is it a really private matter that you're not comfortable sharing except here?

sorry for not clarifying. yes i have talked about this to a therapist, but therapy never worked for me. i still feel gross for feeling the way i do, and it still really affects me.

 

[fedupwithlife]

sorry for not clarifying. yes i have talked about this to a therapist, but therapy never worked for me. i still feel gross for feeling the way i do, and it still really affects me.

You are a victim, you absolutely shouldn't feel gross