GongLiFang
Certified Stupid
- Aug 11, 2021
- 77
Don't get me wrong, even in high school things weren't great. I had a medical crisis, I was extremely stressed, and then my thoughts of suicide continued to get worse (I have had these thoughts since I was 12 I think) so it was by no means a walk in the park.
However, when it comes to actual accomplishments or productivity I did the most while I was in high school and that reminds me of how lame I really am. I understand I am still pretty young and haven't had much time to do much after so dying soon would make this fact make sense but still, it is kind of funny that one of the favourite insults my peers used is actually true for me. I DID peak in high school, the time of life that is usually a hot mess for most people and sometimes even so bad that people want to forget it.
And aside from the fact that I have become what many people mock, I am disappointed that THAT version of me is going to be the most popular version in people's memories if they hear of my passing. I have been a recluse since then and been out of touch with many people so if they hear of my suicide they are going to picture someone I am not. Someone who certainly would be more of a tragic figure for suicide that is for sure. Which I find severely unfortunate because I am not that, I am a fearful, lame, and selfish person that is a waste of memory.
I just can't help but wonder about these things like your "legacy" or what people's perceptions/memories of you are and if they are accurate or even worth thinking about after CTBing. Alright I have rambled enough and it is late. I intended on saying this more concise and eloquently but it is late and I don't have much time left so I want to get my last few thoughts out there over the next while despite it not being written as clearly as I want.
Thanks for reading this novel and if you have any thoughts on the impressions we leave behind I would like to hear.
However, when it comes to actual accomplishments or productivity I did the most while I was in high school and that reminds me of how lame I really am. I understand I am still pretty young and haven't had much time to do much after so dying soon would make this fact make sense but still, it is kind of funny that one of the favourite insults my peers used is actually true for me. I DID peak in high school, the time of life that is usually a hot mess for most people and sometimes even so bad that people want to forget it.
And aside from the fact that I have become what many people mock, I am disappointed that THAT version of me is going to be the most popular version in people's memories if they hear of my passing. I have been a recluse since then and been out of touch with many people so if they hear of my suicide they are going to picture someone I am not. Someone who certainly would be more of a tragic figure for suicide that is for sure. Which I find severely unfortunate because I am not that, I am a fearful, lame, and selfish person that is a waste of memory.
I just can't help but wonder about these things like your "legacy" or what people's perceptions/memories of you are and if they are accurate or even worth thinking about after CTBing. Alright I have rambled enough and it is late. I intended on saying this more concise and eloquently but it is late and I don't have much time left so I want to get my last few thoughts out there over the next while despite it not being written as clearly as I want.
Thanks for reading this novel and if you have any thoughts on the impressions we leave behind I would like to hear.
