i might be cooking

[nails]

not posting this on the main forum because i don't think it belongs there. this is not really a vent.
things are still constantly getting worse. i came to many conclusions about my situation and why things are as bad as they are. people say i'm overthinking or something, but my theories are constantly being proven right. everything proves itself all the time and that's what it's been like for years, even when i try my hardest to look for something that will prove me wrong. lame + my birthday coming up is making me feel crazier. i gotta get my shit together before then or it will be infinitely worse later on.
the nightly anxiety attacks come back sometimes so i'm having trouble sleeping. i've been trting to approach the issue in a different way. my plan was to bore myself to sleep and i thought reading the bible while panicking would help. it was difficult to read because my thoughts were racing, i read the same few words over and over. the anxiety eventually lessened and it got easier to read, it didn't bore me at all. it's been so long since i felt this enamored with something. idk if i can say that it helped because i'm not sure how i feel overall. regardless of whether or not im feeling anxious, i've been forcing myself to stay awake as long as possible and read it. i think i absorb some of the themes and messages better while sleep deprived. it makes work a bit difficult but it could be worse, so i don't mind. anyways, if i dont do this then i will just have an anxiety attack and i will be sleep deprived anyway. i think i'm better when i'm running on empty, i don't have the energy to get annoyed at the daily inconveniences.

idk how much sense this made because i'm still really tired.

 

[workhorse]

i won't say i understand completely everyones mind is unique, but i relate a lot. i've always noticed meaning in things that logically have none & feel as if all the dots are connecting. Its part of the reason i love satoshi kon's work & movies like Paprika & 3 women or really anything where the subconscious & conscious are connected. Ever since moving out I've felt more comfortable exhausted. Not having any emotional or mental energy left to go towards all the daily stressors like difficult managers, shitty companies, deep rooted family/friends issues, the general state of the world, it makes getting through the day easier. But it really compounds long term & makes it harder and harder to start making an effort to care & live again. It feels more complicated than it is cause I feel like being constantly sleep deprived & seeking that sort of in between state of mind makes me more sensitive to whatever magick or vibrational energy or whatever you want to call it is pulling the strings in the background. So even when going the wrong direction it feels right because you feel immense presence at random moments and a sense that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.

I think the answer is to meditate & connect to these forces the difficult way, while doing what we've been avoiding to better our lives, but it really does feel impossible to even start. I also don tknow if i made much sense Lmao But in summary I think these fields of consciousness can be accessed, well rested, in a healthy mental state, & it would be even more rewarding, but I'm not therr obviously if I was I would not be here with you on a suicide forum. You're not alone, hope you're getting by.

much love, workhorse.