I just met up and had lunch with a very good friend of mine who graduated from my current school last year. We caught up and talked about how this whole pandemic was crazy and how we never expected that it would take a whole year to see each other again (she was a senior and I was a junior at the time and we had been told things would go back to normal after spring break last year). We also talked about what we had both been up to with her finding a job and me finishing out senior year. I was afraid it would be too awkward since I've kind of distanced myself from old friends with the whole me ctb'ing soon. I also kind of established that I'd never see any of them again by the time I had selected a date, so when she reached out to me it kind of surprised me and she said she was surprised that my hermit self agreed to meet up for lunch(in a joking manner lol). It kind of started sinking in that this would be the last time we saw each other and I never had the balls to tell her how I felt. We talked about all our other friends and how some of them would laughably say "we're probably never going to see each other again, our last interaction was before the pandemic " and then it finally started to really sink into my head.
We had a good convo going and she initiated most of the convo so it wasn't awkward(since she knows I'm more of an introvert) but I was distracted by feelings of guilt the entire time. The last time I ever got to see her was today and I don't think I ever said anything meaningful before we both got in our cars and drove away. She just said "see you around probably a year from now" and she just laughed and waved goodbye and I started laughing and said "yeah, see you"..
. Fuck, meeting up was a bad idea. It's like the old feelings are resurfacing and now I'm thinking about the gravity of how much I'm leaving behind and how it'll affect other people. Like I imagine her turning on the news or getting a text from one of our mutual friends that says "Did you know x, took his life a few days ago?" What would she think? I hope it wouldn't cause her any distress. I don't want her to look back at today and wonder if anything could've gone different or if she should've looked out for anything. Will the people that care about us keep pondering about the last interaction we had with them? I hope they would move on with their lives, eventually.
We had a good convo going and she initiated most of the convo so it wasn't awkward(since she knows I'm more of an introvert) but I was distracted by feelings of guilt the entire time. The last time I ever got to see her was today and I don't think I ever said anything meaningful before we both got in our cars and drove away. She just said "see you around probably a year from now" and she just laughed and waved goodbye and I started laughing and said "yeah, see you"..
. Fuck, meeting up was a bad idea. It's like the old feelings are resurfacing and now I'm thinking about the gravity of how much I'm leaving behind and how it'll affect other people. Like I imagine her turning on the news or getting a text from one of our mutual friends that says "Did you know x, took his life a few days ago?" What would she think? I hope it wouldn't cause her any distress. I don't want her to look back at today and wonder if anything could've gone different or if she should've looked out for anything. Will the people that care about us keep pondering about the last interaction we had with them? I hope they would move on with their lives, eventually.
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