Venting I messed up pretty bad recently.

[Lo$t95]

Spent Christmas alone drinking heavily. I always have a warm shower then reach for Southern Comfort and Coca Cola (always been my go-to). Go through a bottle in a sitting just listening to music and playing chess online, sometimes I draw pictures of women who look unique or beautiful to me. This is my average night - I interact with the outside world as little as possible.

Really got into a bad habit since Christmas of waking up and going straight back to drinking. Like during the day when I usually just get stuff done out of necessity. This hasn't been good for me at all. I wake up with random cuts, bruises and zero memory of the last 12+ hours of my life. I completely blackout. My body feels like it's dying and suffering from alcohol poisoning most of the time.

I never usually call anyone but on New Years I did and I said a lot of stuff I shouldn't have to people who were in my life in the past. I have zero recollection of why I did this or even what specifically I said in those 5 minute phone calls.

Apparently I made some threats and lashed out a lot at people who hurt me in the past. I am now paranoid about possibly being questioned by police or sectioned because I mentioned specifics about my CTB plans. This was one hell of a fuck up on my part I usually hold my emotions very close to my chest and keep my mouth shut as a reflex. I feel claustrophobic and humiliated by my mistakes.

2024 was officially the worst year of my life. I have so many bad memories from it and reached a whole new level of self-hatred. 2025 is finally here and I am not even going to attempt to fight through it.

Thanks for reading

 

[Crow_88]

Yeah, I've done similar. Just destroying relationships without cause other than my own anger.

 

[SVEN]

Been there, made 'phone calls through drink I don't even know I made. Usually even if you say something about CTB in that type of call I've found that it doesn't get taken too seriously because of the fact you're drunk.
Hope things settle down, best wishes.

 

[particularrodent]

unrelated but your profile picture. that drawing. the first time i saw it i was about 13-14 and it changed me. i didnt know i could feel so seen or understood. it's silly to look back on that memory because of course people understand this feeling. but i didnt know that at the time. im autistic as fuck.

i'd think about it every now and then in the years since, and about how it's a shame it's buried in my phone gallery, but lo and behold here it is. i thought i wouldn't see it again tbh. someone on tumblr made it so i thought it would just hide there forever. so yeah. The Kind Of Tired Sleep Won't Fix is a core memory