StrangeAndDeath
Exhausted Human
- Oct 12, 2022
- 116
I was planning to ctb this weekend. Actually, I was planning to do it during the week, but someone was depending on me for a very important gig. So, I postponed. My method is supposed to be partial hanging which would probably lead to an unsuccessful attempt. I was prepared for the possibility. I was also determined to go through with it regardless of how much grief I would cause my family.
What I wasn't prepared for was a surge of emotion when I saw a possibly 70 year old woman hawking soft drinks and being very tired. In her face, I saw my mom. If I focus on being successful, I might have a chance to prevent that future from happening to my parents. I'm in a third world country and my parents have no retirement funds anywhere, so if I and my siblings aren't able to take care of my parents, they would suffer. In light of the fact that I don't want my parents to suffer like this, I don't think I'll be able to ctb anymore which sucks cause I very much want to stop existing.
It doesn't help that my nihilistic suicidal mindset saps me of the will to do anything productive. I hate life, but for my family to not suffer, I have to suffer myself. It's just a terrible situation. I had hope and now it's gone. Been a while since I got close to tears
What I wasn't prepared for was a surge of emotion when I saw a possibly 70 year old woman hawking soft drinks and being very tired. In her face, I saw my mom. If I focus on being successful, I might have a chance to prevent that future from happening to my parents. I'm in a third world country and my parents have no retirement funds anywhere, so if I and my siblings aren't able to take care of my parents, they would suffer. In light of the fact that I don't want my parents to suffer like this, I don't think I'll be able to ctb anymore which sucks cause I very much want to stop existing.
It doesn't help that my nihilistic suicidal mindset saps me of the will to do anything productive. I hate life, but for my family to not suffer, I have to suffer myself. It's just a terrible situation. I had hope and now it's gone. Been a while since I got close to tears