I may be having second thoughts, I feel so ashamed and stupid.

[BitterlyAlive]

I wonder if I've just been fueled by my emotions. I mean, I didn't really start planning my suicide out until I sort of snapped a few weeks ago. Then the date kept moving up - originally I planned for the middle of September, then the beginning of September, and now the first weekend of August. I've been getting things around and it's been going really well. Sure, I feel bad for leaving people behind, but I've been working towards doing the right thing. Despite the guilt I feel for the pain I'm going to be causing, I've felt pretty good about my decision.

But... Now I'm not sure what's going on. I still haven't booked the damn hotel room. I haven't finished my note. And I think my emotions have kind of tanked out because I feel very numb and lazy today, I've been laying in bed and can't really do anything. It still really hurts, but it's just a horrible dull ache instead of the excruciating sharp pains that I've been having. Also, laying around sucks because it's hot in here, lmao. I feel so consumed by my thoughts. I'm a bad person for even making it this far with my plans, I'm going to fail and it's going to ruin my life - or, I'm going to back out at the last minute and have to figure things out from there, which is terrifying. Etc etc. It's kind of pathetic.

The thing I've noticed is that, I'm not sure if it's my stupid internal monologue or what, but now I'm feeling scared about the whole decision. I think it's the uncertainty. But I don't know. I feel like this whole post is whiny and incomprehensible, but figured it wouldn't hurt to lay my thoughts out. I don't know.

 

[oasis]

It's normal to be uncertain. I can't see anything there to be ashamed of or feel stupid. You are allowed to change your mind, it's your life.
And good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Life_and_Death]

why dont you take a bit to not worry about it and enjoy yourself. do something you like to do. it seems it was a sudden decision

I didn't really start planning my suicide out until I sort of snapped a few weeks ago

and then the date moved and now youre unsure. you shouldnt do something you arent 100% sure about. especially something that cant be taken back. i wish you peace in your final decision though and i truly hope its the right one for you.

 

[thethatsitboy]

I am at the same spot. It is hard to realize you're not so sure. But it's cool.

You are allowed change your mind, it's your life.

I liked this. It is our own life, we shouldn't get ashamed about maybe wanting to live it. Hope you'll be fine, take one step at a time and if you're not sure, so is it.

 

[Soul]

@BitterlyAlive, taking your time with this is the right thing to do, not stupid or shameful. Please take some time to be kind to yourself - stay hydrated, eat right, get good rest and fresh air. You can think about what you want to do later. (((Hug)))

 

[Seafoam]

I had second thoughts when I tried a couple months ago, hence why I'm here now. It's a big decision so I think it's normal to hesitate. Hope you figure it all out in the end though.

 

[color_me_gone]

you shouldnt do something you arent 100% sure about

Absolute Gospel!

 

[BooGirl]

Don't worry. Remember: when it ends, nothing that happened before matters (assuming you're not religious). So if you end it today, or tomorrow, or in 5 years, you get to return to nothingness either way :)

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

My body likes to send me happy thoughts when i get too close to ctb. It seems it is some sort of survival instinct trying to trick you subtly before you even attempt ctb. It ends real quick tho, for me atleast

 

[Mitokondrium]

Pretty much everyone in this forum had second thoughts. If you read those big countdown forum posts, lot of them is finished by backing down. I think its completely normal to feel this way, after all, suicide is pretty much the biggest decision in your life. People cant even decide what kind of shoes to buy, to put in perspective.

 

[I screwed up]

Most have second thoughts sometimes , lot of us have backed out at the last minute also ... So its natural to feel this way. Take care

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

You are not alone. I feel stupid all the time. I can't live with myself-.

 

[Blackjack999999]

Its always okay to back out. Suicide should be an absolute last resort. Like life is so horrible and no matter what you do it will not get better.

 

[Tesha]

You've got nothing to feel stupid about. You're assessing how you're feeling and changing your decisions - that's perfectly normal. I was all set to CTB a month or so ago. My SN arrived and it's been sitting in the bottom of drawer ever since; it's like I've relaxed knowing I now have control over the timing and method.

Listen to your head and your heart and you'll know what's right for you.

i wish you all the best, whatever path you take.

 

[color_me_gone]

I've relaxed knowing I now have control over the timing and method.

This has been said many times on this forum.
No matter how much this world sucks, it's reassuring to know you have complete control over your own destiny.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I wonder if I've just been fueled by my emotions. I mean, I didn't really start planning my suicide out until I sort of snapped a few weeks ago. Then the date kept moving up - originally I planned for the middle of September, then the beginning of September, and now the first weekend of August. I've been getting things around and it's been going really well. Sure, I feel bad for leaving people behind, but I've been working towards doing the right thing. Despite the guilt I feel for the pain I'm going to be causing, I've felt pretty good about my decision.

But... Now I'm not sure what's going on. I still haven't booked the damn hotel room. I haven't finished my note. And I think my emotions have kind of tanked out because I feel very numb and lazy today, I've been laying in bed and can't really do anything. It still really hurts, but it's just a horrible dull ache instead of the excruciating sharp pains that I've been having. Also, laying around sucks because it's hot in here, lmao. I feel so consumed by my thoughts. I'm a bad person for even making it this far with my plans, I'm going to fail and it's going to ruin my life - or, I'm going to back out at the last minute and have to figure things out from there, which is terrifying. Etc etc. It's kind of pathetic.

The thing I've noticed is that, I'm not sure if it's my stupid internal monologue or what, but now I'm feeling scared about the whole decision. I think it's the uncertainty. But I don't know. I feel like this whole post is whiny and incomprehensible, but figured it wouldn't hurt to lay my thoughts out. I don't know.

You have the right to do what is best for you. Changing ones mind is the best freedom we all have.

 

[134340]

It's completely normal to have doubts. This is literally the biggest and most permanent decision you could ever make. It's not like choosing which candy bar to get, you know? It's a big deal, and if you aren't completely sure then you should stick around for a while longer. Being unsure/having second thoughts/just being plain old scared doesn't make you whiny or stupid, it makes you a human being. Those are all valid emotions to have, even when you're miserable and want to end your life. Take your time to figure out the right path for you. You don't have to rush. Best of luck no matter what you decide