Venting I made my therapist cry and I feel like a failure

[Usako0504]

That's it, that's the post I guess.
I've been working with my current therapist for many years and I really like her and I've improved a ton, but I still want to ctb. I understand a lot of people think I shouldn't because I am going through a rough time but, honestly, I'm really tired of trying. I spent my entire 20s trying to break into tech and when I got my job I was treated terribly and fired at the company I was at, and it sucks. I'm broke, I'm on unemployment that's going to run out. I moved cross country for my job which caused my fiance to break up with me and get another woman pregnant and I feel like I wasted my entire 20s, I'm now 27 on basically nothing. I have nothing to show for my entire life.
It really really sucks because I want to get better but I just don't have the energy to try anything else anymore. I'm literally doing everything they say you should do to get better I've tried 20+ medications, I've done hospitalizations, I go to the gym, I read self help books, I take vitamins but it feels like nothing I do matters. I'm on my 20th job as a 27 year old and it's deeply embarrassing. I even failed at being a sex worker. I didn't finish college, and I probably can't because I have dyscalculia and struggle severely with basic arithmetic. I've moved about 20 times in life, so I don't have a lot of in real life friends, and I have friends on the internet but I feel really, really alone.
I told my therapist about how I feel and she actually teared up, and I can tell it's because she doesn't know how to help me anymore. One of my therapists before her even outright quit on me, he told me that it wasn't that he didn't believe I wasn't trying but he didn't know how much more he could do for me. It sucks but like, what the fuck am I supposed to do. It's not like I'm not trying. I feel like I'm missing a core part of what makes a person a piece of humanity because I don't have a real community and I don't have a solid relationship, and even though I'm smart I can't seem to hold down a job. I put all this effort into existing and it feels like the whole is somehow still less than the sum of its parts in my life.
I have wonderful friends and they do care about me but I feel like nothing but a burden and since no one can help me anyways it feels like a waste. I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time when I vent, I'm bringing down the vibe. I feel useless and I feel like I don't belong in my own life. I have no direction now that I've failed at both my job and relationship and since my career was the only thing stopping me from ctb before, now that I lost it in such a spectacular fashion I feel really lost.

 

[alivefornow]

I'm on a similar boat. 27, no job, just getting by doing private teaching. Failed to graduate college twice, two long-term relationships went down the drain, all because I allowed my depression and anxiety to get the best of me. I feel weak, constantly anxious and in pain, and suicidal.

Tried tech too. I could totally do it but have no drive or motivation. I just want everything to go dark. I want to cease to exist.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

I had the exact same thing happen a few months ago... I explained to my therapist that I still just want to die, that I'm tired of being a worthless leech, and she started crying... I had been with her for years and years as my therapist... I stopped going to her a little bit ago to save on money because she wasn't helping me very much (not that it's her fault, she was trying her hardest)... I know how you feel about a lot of that, I've experienced a lot of similar things... Like, lots of those things, ehehe... The meds, the books, the losing a partner to distance, hospitalization, not finishing college, missing that core part of being a person, and all the effort put into living just for the pain to continue staring me in the face, cold, unmoving, uncaring of my puny struggles... At least I also have the friends part, ehehe. I have three online friends I really really love, and they're mostly why I'm alive... I really hope you can be ok at some point...

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think it's a good thing she teared up upon hearing how you feel. It shows she cares about your situation, and isn't just some mindless drone going through the motions, and is genuinely sympathetic to your condition and wants nothing more than to see you free from chains that are binding you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot and it must be so tiring what you have to go through, but it's surprising to hear of that therapist acting in such a way as I believe that therapists are generally uncaring people looking to profit from suffering. But anyway I doubt therapy could ever really help much anyway, I believe that it's a scam as it cannot fix problems or change the cruel reality of this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.