I made a mistake

[frailcoffee]

I made a terrible mistake. I really don't want to disclose much because it's embarrassing. But anyways, the mistake was just enough to make me question everything about my intelligence. I have OCD, if I do, say or hear one little thing it'll take me months to finally get over it. It'll take up nearly 80% of my head space and ruin a lot of daily activities, and because of it I'll isolate myself until I fix it or move on. I said something really stupid, the other person just looked at me. I owned up to it. What I did say and assumed was just very wrong, but I felt so humiliated, so so so stupid. I like to think I am a lot more smarter than actually am and it always costs me. It really doesn't help that I am a Hispanic woman, so sometimes it's kind of expected of us to be dumb if you understand what I mean, not a lot of people take us seriously and I had a hard time with that growing up. I felt reduced to some idiotic woman. All day I haven't looked at myself in the mirror out of shame, I can't stand myself, there's nothing to distract myself with. I have been sitting alone for hours thinking about that interaction. I was okay for a couple of weeks but now I feel terribly suicidal, I couldn't find ways to inflict pain onto myself so I just decided to cut everyone off and move alone again until I sort things out. I wish I wasn't like this

 

[GlassMoon]

I can relate to what you're saying, even though in a slightly different way. When these moments happen to me, when I feel I said something dumb or rude, that will also haunt me. But not constantly, it comes back occasionally. Sometimes out of the blue when I'm relaxed. A wave of bad feelings appears, and I perform a physical action to push them away. I also have OCD. Telling someone about these memories is also very shameful for me. Last time I opened up about one memory in therapy I cried while doing so.

I hope you don't feel like you're alone with this. I guess it can be a mixture of OCD and perfectionism. Have you tried to reframe the situation somehow? Sometimes that works for. Or write it down as a diary entry, as if you were telling it to someone you truly trust, like a confident.

 

[Rymrgand]

I'm sorry. It was really that dumb? Everyone make dumb comments sometimes, but that doesn't define our intelligence or value.

I think I can understand a bit what you are feeling, tho. When I say something stupid, I remember it like forever. I still remember some things I said when I was a kid, around 10, and they still hurt. It's so embarrassing, even if I know that I'm the only one who cares (or even remembers).

Maybe you can try to reframe it, as they told you, or vent to someone you can trust. If you are able to think about it without suffering, that would be awesome. If not, I think you should try to act like it didn't affect you, hoping that you will be able to distract yourself. Even if you don't forget, maybe you can bury it. I know it's really hard, tho.