I made a mistake and must leave the forum

[alivefornow]

I will keep it short.

I was hanging out in the general chat a lot and the folks there are very supportive and friendly. Definitely say "hi" if you feel like being listened to or just good ol' banter.

I made the mistake of sharing my obsessive thoughts of killing or harming myself in front of others to inflict psychological trauma through my pain and death. I also made the mistake of sharing them as if they were concrete plans. I can no longer tell the difference as I seem to have lost my mind.

After I revealed my so-called "intentions" they reacted negatively, as they should have. Here we advocate for safe, peaceful suicide for those who want it, with as little harm to others as possible, physical or otherwise. This is why N and SN are so often discussed here. I will try to forget about "burning or bleeding to death", continue trying to source SN from local stores, and get a safe location to CTB on my own, alone, as it should be.

I die one thousand times everyday in my imagination. At night, as I lay my head to sleep, psychosis sets in and I can only sleep after 4 am, when my mind is exhausted of producing violent thoughts involving myself and others.

I don't know what will happen next. I was using this forum everyday in the entirety of my free time, since nothing really interests me anymore other than death and suicide.

After I revealed, even here in my last safe haven, what a fucking monster I truly am, I must leave. I have to cease to exist in this world and hope for no afterlife.

I know there is happiness in this world, it's just not for me.

I wish you all safe, peaceful deaths, and fast recoveries for those so inclined.

-alive

 

[Dolphin55]

So sorry you're feeling this way. Your psychosis is not your fault. I know there's meds/therapy for pyschosis, but I guess you've already tried them? I really hope you can get help or find peace.

 

[Oblivion]

I will keep it short.

I was hanging out in the general chat a lot and the folks there are very supportive and friendly. Definitely say "hi" if you feel like being listened to or just good ol' banter.

I made the mistake of sharing my obsessive thoughts of killing or harming myself in front of others to inflict psychological trauma through my pain and death. I also made the mistake of sharing them as if they were concrete plans. I can no longer tell the difference as I seem to have lost my mind.

After I revealed my so-called "intentions" they reacted negatively, as they should have. Here we advocate for safe, peaceful suicide for those who want it, with as little harm to others as possible, physical or otherwise. This is why N and SN are so often discussed here. I will try to forget about "burning or bleeding to death", continue trying to source SN from local stores, and get a safe location to CTB on my own, alone, as it should be.

I die one thousand times everyday in my imagination. At night, as I lay my head to sleep, psychosis sets in and I can only sleep after 4 am, when my mind is exhausted of producing violent thoughts involving myself and others.

I don't know what will happen next. I was using this forum everyday in the entirety of my free time, since nothing really interests me anymore other than death and suicide.

After I revealed, even here in my last safe haven, what a fucking monster I truly am, I must leave. I have to cease to exist in this world and hope for no afterlife.

I know there is happiness in this world, it's just not for me.

I wish you all safe, peaceful deaths, and fast recoveries for those so inclined.

-alive

dude i don't know about others, but i was not negative about it, i was neutral and replied in arguments, i thought they were real, i didn't know they were just thoughts. cheers

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you have to endure, but anyway farewell and best wishes.

 

[leeloosnow]

i don't think anyone here would think of you as a monster. that's what chat is for, venting, saying things that come thru our minds. even the most passive normie has probably thought of some pretty out there shit i betcha. my concern is for your safety and the best outcome for your plans whatever they may be. it falls under bodily autonomy and we will all make that choice every day, to live or to die. any way we choose to do it will affect others, just so long as we are not physically harming anyone else then yea, it's fine. hugs <3

 

[Arrow]

I'm kind of confused--why do you have to leave? It's not like you got banned, and I don't think saying you have/want to/will kill yourself in front of someone else is against the rules. Other people can react negatively to your thoughts if they want to also, but if I were you I wouldn't worry about what they think.

If you like the forum just stay and continue to post as usual, nobody will mind and I expect that you're still welcome here. Using it during all your free time doesn't sound good but I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I hope you change your mind about leaving the forum. Psychosis isn't something you can control, so there's no need to punish yourself for it. If you ever feel ready to CTB, then you should be free to do that, but leaving before then doesn't seem necessary. As long as the moderators didn't have to step in, then you're probably fine.

 

[Unending]

I don't think you should have to leave over this. I don't know what you said exactly but the way I see it, it's better to be able to vent than not.

 

[Dominicka]

I die one thousand times everyday in my imagination.

Omg so well put. Me too.

 

[Sakura94]

I guess if it bothers you too much you might be able to talk to admin and come back under a new name in a month or so. You've not been here that long. Otherwise just explain yourself to the chatroom, maybe delete this thread if still possible to ensure less see it (can't recall when you can delete).

 

[RW__Asher23]

No one thinks your a monster. Conversations in chat were ok with me. Most of the time I just listen anyway. I only whish you peace in the end no matter what choices you make.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

Youre just part of a spectrum here. Doesnt matter what "the chatroom" thinks on YOUR PERSPECTIVE of how to go about ctb. Ive seen some pretty fucked up shit I dont agree with but thats my opinion just as its their own opinion. Everyone is entitled to it regardless of wrong or right.

Food for thought. Just because something is illegal does it make it immorally wrong too?

 

[wr3ck3d]

You don't have to talk to anybody, you can just lurk around like, I'm guessing, most people do. I'm sure not everyone wanted to say anything hurtful. And now you know better than to share specifics about your plan. I guess this place allows to discuss about 'how' (as long as sources are not presented directly, there are some things that should be left for the private messaging), but when and where should, at least in my opinion, always be left out, to anyone, regardless if they are random strangers on the internet or your dearest friend. This is to prevent them from intervening in your plans if you want to go with it. For now just lurk and get your confidence back

 

[UKscotty]

Not in a good enough space to read your whole post but the bit about causing others pain and suffering from your death.

In regards to that, I wouldn't worry about it, people really won't care. A few months after you are gone the memories of you will fade as will any emotion and pain. They may suffer for a short time, but people move on and forget very quickly.

 

[alivefornow]

Since so many of you took the time to respond to this thread, I will attempt to give some clarifications and write a few replies.

So sorry you're feeling this way. Your psychosis is not your fault. I know there's meds/therapy for pyschosis, but I guess you've already tried them? I really hope you can get help or find peace.

It most definitely is my fault. I can't explain how or why, but I know I do this to myself.

I am on three different meds right now. They don't help much. The urges are gone but the thoughts remain quite vivid. Also, these meds have been destroying my physical health, rendering me unable to eat even when hungry and making me throw up in the morning, every other day. There was blood once, even.

dude i don't know about others, but i was not negative about it, i was neutral and replied in arguments, i thought they were real, i didn't know they were just thoughts. cheers

People replied in different manners. Some made fun of me, one called me an asshole, but most tried to convince me to give up on my stupid plans, which I did. I expected the negative reaction and was probably going for it, since I have a pattern of making others hate me.

That sounds so horrible what you have to endure, but anyway farewell and best wishes.

Thank you. Best wishes to you too.

i don't think anyone here would think of you as a monster. that's what chat is for, venting, saying things that come thru our minds. even the most passive normie has probably thought of some pretty out there shit i betcha. my concern is for your safety and the best outcome for your plans whatever they may be. it falls under bodily autonomy and we will all make that choice every day, to live or to die. any way we choose to do it will affect others, just so long as we are not physically harming anyone else then yea, it's fine. hugs <3

I do think of myself as a monster though, and I don't see that changing. I will stop trying to weaponize my suicide. There are many ways to make this choice. I will take my time and go back to carefully planning my SN attempt.

You always come through as a sweet person. I don't want you to suffer no more. I hope you find peace in your choices, and I hope you choose to recover, because the world needs sweet and caring people like you.

I'm kind of confused--why do you have to leave? It's not like you got banned, and I don't think saying you have/want to/will kill yourself in front of someone else is against the rules. Other people can react negatively to your thoughts if they want to also, but if I were you I wouldn't worry about what they think.

If you like the forum just stay and continue to post as usual, nobody will mind and I expect that you're still welcome here. Using it during all your free time doesn't sound good but I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

I don't have to leave, but I feel like I should. First, the forum is helping me to stay alive, which I don't want to. Second, I became extremely ashamed of the things I said and don't really want to be seen or interact here anymore.

Not surprisingly, using the forum all day long is less painful than being alone with my death thoughts. It's a distraction I can focus on. Other forms of distraction don't work because my mind ends up wandering to death every time.

I hope you change your mind about leaving the forum. Psychosis isn't something you can control, so there's no need to punish yourself for it. If you ever feel ready to CTB, then you should be free to do that, but leaving before then doesn't seem necessary. As long as the moderators didn't have to step in, then you're probably fine.

Thank you. I might come back for a "goodbye thread" once I'm done setting things up.

I don't think you should have to leave over this. I don't know what you said exactly but the way I see it, it's better to be able to vent than not.

There is truth to you last statement. However, I can't keep venting forever, can I? I gotta do what I gotta do, which is catching that bus. So I'm leaving to focus on getting ready. I already studied the SN method carefully and I believe I can do it properly at this point.

Omg so well put. Me too.

I wish I could die ten thousand times. Too bad I can only choose one method, because I would like to experience them all. I am obsessed with dying. Before this medication, these thoughts were painful and came as urges. Now they comfort me. I can carry through the day and do my obligations with a straight face, no tears, no dead eyes, because the idea that I am in control of my death soothes me.

No one thinks your a monster. Conversations in chat were ok with me. Most of the time I just listen anyway. I only whish you peace in the end no matter what choices you make.

Thank you. I do think I'm a monster. I thought I had to show this to everyone, but my opinion of myself is enough to CTB. I wish you peace aswell.

Youre just part of a spectrum here. Doesnt matter what "the chatroom" thinks on YOUR PERSPECTIVE of how to go about ctb. Ive seen some pretty fucked up shit I dont agree with but thats my opinion just as its their own opinion. Everyone is entitled to it regardless of wrong or right.

Food for thought. Just because something is illegal does it make it immorally wrong too?

Burning myself alive in front of people would be wrong in my book. I wanted to do something wrong.

You don't have to talk to anybody, you can just lurk around like, I'm guessing, most people do. I'm sure not everyone wanted to say anything hurtful. And now you know better than to share specifics about your plan. I guess this place allows to discuss about 'how' (as long as sources are not presented directly, there are some things that should be left for the private messaging), but when and where should, at least in my opinion, always be left out, to anyone, regardless if they are random strangers on the internet or your dearest friend. This is to prevent them from intervening in your plans if you want to go with it. For now just lurk and get your confidence back

I quickly became addicted to browsing this forum, first as a lurker and then as an active poster. Then I found out about the chat. Typing my death wishes into this place became a huge part of my life, because I don't really think about much else currently, and I can't discuss this anywhere else.

I won't be lurking anymore though, this is goodbye, at least until I come back for the REAL goodbye.

Not in a good enough space to read your whole post but the bit about causing others pain and suffering from your death.

In regards to that, I wouldn't worry about it, people really won't care. A few months after you are gone the memories of you will fade as will any emotion and pain. They may suffer for a short time, but people move on and forget very quickly.

I'm counting on that. I hope to be forgotten soon.

 

[FireFox]

I do not think you are monster. You are just being very honest about your mental torment and want the pain just to stop.

 

[Thisisme373]

You don't have to leave, you're obviously suffering immensely & just wanted to vent, I don't see you as a monster. You obviously do what you feels best & I hope you find peace.

 

[eashanm]

Does this forum have a chat too? If yes, how can I access it?