I' m deluding myself that I'm going to actually ctb. AOE in the same predicament?

[Ineedtodie]

Here is my setup. I made sure its 100% lethal.
But I have the feeling I ' deluding myself that I' m going to have the courage and commitment to do it.
I' m 32, isolating.
I have severe symptoms of AVPD.
Severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
Have BDD.
Have Speech impedement that cause me a lot of anxiety to the point of mutism.
Low self worth.
Chronic depression.
All my relationships are damaged.
Everyone is unvalidating. Though I can't blame them for thinkin I' m too much of a case.
Currently in dreadful situation, very much harrassed and stigmatized by everyone around me.

This is extremely pathetic. Why am I an absolute coward in life and even in the face of merciful death!

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're suffering Hun

 

[Shivali]

I wish I could say something that comforts you ...

 

[SamTam33]

I feel delusional about my attempt working. I'm definitely trying it but I have worries that I'll just wake up with a foggy bag over my head, take it off and be alive as I always was.

I try to push it out of my head and focus on the fact that it could work (like I could win the lottery...)

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that if I had a method like N, then I would have no problem with going through with ctb, in fact I would already be free from this world. But even know I wish for non existence all the time, I do struggle with actually going through with it, mostly because of the fear of ctb somehow failing and just leading me to experience more suffering. I get that it's awful and tiring feeling trapped in this prison that is existence, it doesn't mean that you are cowardly struggling to go through with it, suicide actually can be really difficult and I envy those who succeed with the hanging method.

 

[Wannagonow]

So sorry you have all this on your plate. Sounds very overwhelming. I hope you're able to find peace- in whatever way that means for you.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I feel delusional about my attempt working. I'm definitely trying it but I have worries that I'll just wake up with a foggy bag over my head, take it off and be alive as I always was.

I try to push it out of my head and focus on the fact that it could work (like I could win the lottery...)

I have that reluctance with my previous setup, that ligatures would break midway. I thought this is the main reason for backing out. But now with 100% relaible setup, Hard to delude myself anymore. Maybe not picking a reliable methode for you is a way of stalling nd being reluctant.

 

[SamTam33]

I have that reluctance with my previous setup, that ligatures would break midway. I thought this is the main reason for backing out. But now with 100% relaible setup, Hard to delude myself anymore. Maybe not picking a reliable methode for you is a way of stalling nd being reluctant.

Lol no. It's more like I'm running out of methods I can feasibly try. Literally running out of ways to die.

In the back of my head I know it's going to come down to drowning. But if I could die drunk and in my house, I'm going to give it a try.

 

[wait.what]

It would help if I could get my family's understanding, if not blessing. It makes it harder to duck out if you know you're going to hurt people and they aren't going to understand. I think that's the reason why surviving loved ones end up so traumatized sometimes. It's not death or suicide per se that is so disturbing to them; it's the fact that they can't understand why their loved one took their own life. Often, that gap in understanding gets filled up with various boogeymen: their loved one hurt them on purpose because they secretly never really loved them; the literal Devil made them do it; it was the reefer and the rock and roll; their loved one was possessed by the spirit of an evil website (lol). In reality of course suicide is exactly what it says on the tin: people find themselves in much more pain than they can cope with, and their hope that things can change finally dwindles to nothing.

But it's harder to ctb knowing that your family is going to torment themselves forever by spinning ever sicker and more inaccurate theories about you. It would help if we were allowed to talk about suicidal thoughts without being dragged off to the ha-ha house, but we aren't, so there's that. (Doesn't mean I'm "saved" by this institutional stupidity and will never punch my own ticket. It just means my family will suffer more when and if I do.)

Also I'm just a terrible physical coward. I know a hell of a lot about lying around in agony, endlessly begging a nonexistent God to make it stop. Botched suicide attempts can be pretty hideous like that. I expect just straight up dying is like that too. No one ever seems to report enjoying it.

So yeah, for some time now those two things and my worry about who would care for my special needs cat have kept me around. The cat died in May. So now it's just the two things.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I feel delusional about my attempt working. I'm definitely trying it but I have worries that I'll just wake up with a foggy bag over my head, take it off and be alive as I always was.

I try to push it out of my head and focus on the fact that it could work (like I could win the lottery...)

I have that reluctance with my previous setup, that ligatures would break midway. I thought this is the main reason for backing out. But now with 100% relaible setup, Hard to delude myself anymore. Maybe not picking a reliable methode for you is a way of stalling nd being reluctant

It would help if I could get my family's understanding, if not blessing. It makes it harder to duck out if you know you're going to hurt people and they aren't going to understand. I think that's the reason why surviving loved ones end up so traumatized sometimes. It's not death or suicide per se that is so disturbing to them; it's the fact that they can't understand why their loved one took their own life. Often, that gap in understanding gets filled up with various boogeymen: their loved one hurt them on purpose because they secretly never really loved them; the literal Devil made them do it; it was the reefer and the rock and roll; their loved one was possessed by the spirit of an evil website (lol). In reality of course suicide is exactly what it says on the tin: people find themselves in much more pain than they can cope with, and their hope that things can change finally dwindles to nothing.

But it's harder to ctb knowing that your family is going to torment themselves forever by spinning ever sicker and more inaccurate theories about you. It would help if we were allowed to talk about suicidal thougmmhts without being dragged off to the ha-ha house, but we aren't, so there's that. (Doesn't mean I'm "saved" by this institutional stupidity and will never punch my own ticket. It just means my family will suffer more when and if I do.)

Also I'm just a terrible physical coward. I know a hell of a lot about lying around in agony, endlessly begging a nonexistent God to make it stop. Botched suicide attempts can be pretty hideous like that. I expect just straight up dying is like that too. No one ever seems to report enjoying it.

So yeah, for some time now those two things and my worry about who would care for my special needs cat have kept me around. The cat died in May. So now it's just the two things.

Sorry for your cat.
It's a cruel entrapment. Your family can't help you with your suffering. You cannot help yourself and miraculously turn the odds for you. I would think that's the main raison we consider and seek suicide, despair and lonlines, feeling completely misunderstood. That hurts intensely.
I think it would be wierd for my family to not make a conclusion on why I would do it.
They would definitely say that it due to mental illness, no doubt. They adapted, I didn't. It will be clear as day light for them.
They would be worried about how to deal with the fact of having a suicide in the family, not for poor me, oh they wish they knew and could have helped etc..