Venting I love hurting myself

[NotToBe]

Hi all, been a while since I last posted and I just felt like getting something off my chest.
Sorry if this comes off as attention seeking. MAYBE it is in a way, I guess I'm just looking to spark a discussion or maybe attract someone with a similar mindset? Either way I kind of just felt like expressing myself because this is sort of an unconventional mindset that I have. I am in no way condoning severe acts of self harm at all, I just wanted to get my feelings out so this post may be a little ugly and candid so I apologize for that.

I love to self harm. I particularly enjoy cutting my limbs with razors. I recently bought a safety razor since I thought it'd be a nice purchase- but I bought a pack of 100 razors for dirt cheap along with it, and I was SO excited because I knew that if I bought the pack of razors then it'd mean that I could cut whenever I feel like it. This has been exactly the case. If I'm ever cutting I like to be clean and sanitary about it so I always go for a fresh blade for each sitting.
I don't really know if this is messed up or not but I've personally never seen anything catastrophically wrong with it especially as someone who is incredibly suicidal.
I can't really explain the exact reason why I enjoy cutting. I think it's more of an addiction. A feeling. It's a really emotional experience for me, almost like the mental pressure is oozing away with the drops of blood. I almost get a sort of euphoric pleasure from it- it's kind of like a way of distracting myself from whatever distressing feeling that I'm experiencing, like I'm using a drug.
Cutting is really nice for me but as of lately I've been wanting to do worse things to myself for some reason. I take wellbutrin and a little more than a week ago I decided to OD on it and voluntarily induce a seizure. I didn't OD as a suicide attempt but I specifically wanted to have a seizure and lose consciousness. I don't know why. It was kind of a big scene as I hit my forehead on the hard floor and gave myself a good scab and a black eye. This experience felt so good to me and I can't really explain. For one slipping away without even realizing it is probably as close to death as I can get without actually crossing that bridge. I love the fact that one minute I can be awake, conscious, nothing really eventful happening, and then the next minute I'm no longer aware of anything without even remembering. One minute you're fine and then the next minute it's probably around an hour later and you don't even remember what happened. The experience is a little confusing when you wake up it's like there's been a gap in time that you didn't experience at all. I really would like to experience this gap where I'm not perceiving anything but just... have it last forever. It was almost like sleeping I guess, but there's something specifically so good about the fact that I ended up getting physically hurt in the process. I don't know. Waking up with a black eye and bleeding from my forehead was almost therapeutic to me. Knowing that my mind and my body were essentially breaking just felt like a sort of testament and validation to my mental anguish. Like it's showing who I am on the inside on the outside. I guess I just want my body to be broken- to not work anymore- to cease all function- in my own way it kind of brings me closer to death while I'm still alive. Does this make sense? I know that I'm also just kind of crazy so I don't know lol.

Apologies for the word vomit but this is kind of the best way that I can put the act of self harm into words. Again it's a very emotional experience and I can't really cite it perfectly on paper. It's also very late and I'm very sleep deprived. But I guess I was just wondering if anyone understands where I'm coming from / if anyone else feels this way at all?

 

[Timelapse]

Cutting is really nice for me but as of lately I've been wanting to do worse things to myself for some reason. I take wellbutrin and a little more than a week ago I decided to OD on it and voluntarily induce a seizure. I didn't OD as a suicide attempt but I specifically wanted to have a seizure and lose consciousness. I don't know why. It was kind of a big scene as I hit my forehead on the hard floor and gave myself a good scab and a black eye. This experience felt so good to me and I can't really explain. For one slipping away without even realizing it is probably as close to death as I can get without actually crossing that bridge. I love the fact that one minute I can be awake, conscious, nothing really eventful happening, and then the next minute I'm no longer aware of anything without even remembering. One minute you're fine and then the next minute it's probably around an hour later and you don't even remember what happened. The experience is a little confusing when you wake up it's like there's been a gap in time that you didn't experience at all. I really would like to experience this gap where I'm not perceiving anything but just... have it last forever. It was almost like sleeping I guess

I do not cut. But I can relate to the loving the unconscious state and wanting it to last forever.
Ive had many failed attempts with OD ending in the ICU.
That feeling of waking up from a long pitch black screen. I had no feelings or emotions. No regret. No thought.
Moments later I show my anger to the supportive staff. I curse at me being alive. And the cycle of self-loathing beings anew.

I also use my meds as a time travel device, taking a handful of seroquel for days of sleep.

 

[SmallKoy]

Does this make sense? I know that I'm also just kind of crazy so I don't know lol.

Apologies for the word vomit but this is kind of the best way that I can put the act of self harm into words. Again it's a very emotional experience and I can't really cite it perfectly on paper. It's also very late and I'm very sleep deprived. But I guess I was just wondering if anyone understands where I'm coming from / if anyone else feels this way at all?

Of course. And you aren't crazy. I have really similar feelings about self harm. For me though, it can be a lot of things and not necessarily emotional. I basically do it every time I walk in my kitchen and sometimes I have listened to music or watched videos while doing it. To me it is kind of a mind numbing activity. It definitely feels like an addiction for me too. I also think it does give me a release of emotions sometimes, like I have done it before if something upsets or triggers me but I can't talk about it to anybody. It helps to give the release of negative feelings that venting might usually give in my experience.