Honestly, I kind of get this. I rarely drink anymore because of how ill I am and how loopy I already feel as it is, in addition to the medication and stuff that I have to take regularly for the chronic pain and to keep myself from wanting to peel my skin off... but I used to be a full-blown alcoholic. I did not give one single shit about anything when I was drunk; survival instinct was practically non-existent. A lot of the time I spent my evenings just sitting there and listening to music - would sometimes play around with a noose or cut myself and just let myself bleed - and drink myself stupid until everything that I was doing, feeling, thinking about and listening to, made me not feel anything anymore, until I'd eventually pass out. That feeling of numbness and apathy that I got from alcohol was truly addictive.
Even without the alcohol, I'm an addict at the core. Between all of the physical shit and all of the mental shit, I truly cannot get through this life without at least some sort of "assistance" from something or other. Reality is far too negative, and existence is far too painful, to be able to do any of this completely sober. I don't know how people can do it.
