Dür Ktulhu
Member
- Dec 20, 2025
- 56
I'm 25 years old and find myself in a rather unusual position. On the surface, I make a good impression and have good looks, but women my own age don't interest me — the only thing I feel toward them is complete indifference. If I notice interest directed my way, I choose rejection.
Sexually, I'm attracted to adult women, but I lead a very moral life and maintain abstinence, rather than starting affairs when the opportunity arises.
And there's one peculiar thing — when I see children, I feel a desire to start playing with them, climb a tree, or do something else along those lines. And when I see girls aged 11–12, I feel the same thing that already exists at that age — after all, at 12 we already like the opposite sex — so it's that same feeling, but only a pure feeling, without any eroticism.
I call this the "frozen time effect." I fully understand how taboo this subject is, and because of this, my loneliness becomes absolute. I have no one to discuss this with. When I had the chance, I asked a psychiatrist this question (I don't regularly see a psychiatrist; it was a one-time appointment for another matter). The doctor replied that it's due to a rich inner world and high spirituality, and that everything is normal. But there's a nuance: I truly look very good and neat on the outside and am highly erudite; I always make a good impression, especially on people in intellectual circles. I think the sympathy and favor toward me might hinder objectivity in assessment.
I understand how taboo and scandalous a topic I'm addressing, but I repeat — it's precisely about pure platonic love, without any admixture of sexuality. It seems the part of my personality responsible for this aspect stopped developing at the level of that age. Only girls aged 11–12 appear pure to me: their bodies haven't yet begun to form, they're not under the influence of hormones and neurotransmitters that cause sexual desire, and libido is absent.
Adult girls seem to me, as Baudelaire said, "vulgar" girls who are "in heat" — they are disgusting. Peers are foolish… in any case, they all offer you a body, passion, a dialogue among equals, but in this offering I see that very vulgarity of existence which I fear more than anything in the world. In my head, there exists an idealized image: a calm state of soul, not yet awakened for carnal games. A mature woman is a symbol of lost innocence, purity that the adult world irrevocably loses. They are precisely the bearers of that "vulgar" sexuality Baudelaire spoke of, comparing them to filth.
In conclusion, I'll say this: the fact that Edgar Allan Poe, my literary idol, made the same choice leads me to believe that I am probably not alone in my perception. I feel myself an heir to this strange but beautiful tradition.
Sexually, I'm attracted to adult women, but I lead a very moral life and maintain abstinence, rather than starting affairs when the opportunity arises.
And there's one peculiar thing — when I see children, I feel a desire to start playing with them, climb a tree, or do something else along those lines. And when I see girls aged 11–12, I feel the same thing that already exists at that age — after all, at 12 we already like the opposite sex — so it's that same feeling, but only a pure feeling, without any eroticism.
I call this the "frozen time effect." I fully understand how taboo this subject is, and because of this, my loneliness becomes absolute. I have no one to discuss this with. When I had the chance, I asked a psychiatrist this question (I don't regularly see a psychiatrist; it was a one-time appointment for another matter). The doctor replied that it's due to a rich inner world and high spirituality, and that everything is normal. But there's a nuance: I truly look very good and neat on the outside and am highly erudite; I always make a good impression, especially on people in intellectual circles. I think the sympathy and favor toward me might hinder objectivity in assessment.
I understand how taboo and scandalous a topic I'm addressing, but I repeat — it's precisely about pure platonic love, without any admixture of sexuality. It seems the part of my personality responsible for this aspect stopped developing at the level of that age. Only girls aged 11–12 appear pure to me: their bodies haven't yet begun to form, they're not under the influence of hormones and neurotransmitters that cause sexual desire, and libido is absent.
Adult girls seem to me, as Baudelaire said, "vulgar" girls who are "in heat" — they are disgusting. Peers are foolish… in any case, they all offer you a body, passion, a dialogue among equals, but in this offering I see that very vulgarity of existence which I fear more than anything in the world. In my head, there exists an idealized image: a calm state of soul, not yet awakened for carnal games. A mature woman is a symbol of lost innocence, purity that the adult world irrevocably loses. They are precisely the bearers of that "vulgar" sexuality Baudelaire spoke of, comparing them to filth.
In conclusion, I'll say this: the fact that Edgar Allan Poe, my literary idol, made the same choice leads me to believe that I am probably not alone in my perception. I feel myself an heir to this strange but beautiful tradition.
