I lost my best friends and it's my fault.

[swanchild]

I have a lot of things wrong with me. OCD, psychosis, my eating disorder which was specifically bulimia for the majority of the time which is now a bit more like AN-bp. And alcoholism. All these things came to a head after a bad breakup and some family issues.

My two best friends who I love more than anything in the world stopped talking to me. One was severely anorexic and almost died, and I was a normal weight-desperately trying to be underweight bulimic who between the alcohol and poor nutrition would belligerently say a lot of triggering shit. I deeply regret this. This girl was my best friend and the first person I ever fully opened up to and she left me and said our friendship was unsustainable and that many times I really hurt her.

Eventually, I did lose the weight. I became underweight like I wanted. This was after our separation as friends. The other friend I had moved to another town to be close to and she ignored me the whole time "because I was on a dark path" which I don't really empathize with because she further isolated me and made me feel alone. She never even tried to talk to me about it.

Anyway they literally left the country together and left me behind. It's been 3 years and they still won't talk to me. I asked my anorexic friend if she'd be willing to call while I was in hospital, not telling her that, and she declined and gave me a list of reasons I was hurtful and a bad friend.

Months later when I finished the hospital and outpatient program, I was being plagued with nightmares of them leaving me behind. I made a group chat begging them to even just send me a picture of a tree, just anything, anything to feel connected or loved or cared about at all.

One of the friends barged into my DMs and accused me of overstepping major boundaries, being triggering for expressing my feelings about the abandonment, and so on and so forth. It pissed me off and I blocked her because she put 0 effort into my life. It was all about her and my other friend with no regards to me no matter how much I loved them and had done for them and cared about them.

After a while I unblocked them both and told them they were treating me like shit, and that if I heard my friend was hospitalized I'd check in no matter what. I told them all my feelings. I apologized for my bad treatment as I've been doing occasionally with respect to said boundaries for 3 years. I mean these were my best friends and I'm not the kind of person who just lets go of these things.

Basically they told me they can't reason with me (how am I being unreasonable? I just want to be loved and cared about) and that it isn't healthy, bla bla bla, they love and care about me but can't talk to me.

I feel completely and utterly destroyed. I don't want new friends or a new life or to get better. Part of me wants to retaliate by getting worse. My heart is broken by the two people I loved the most.

What should I do?

 

[Ash]

I really feel for you. I've been in similar situations and it hurts so much.

But genuinely, the most honourable and loving thing to do is leave them alone and let them get on with their lives. Don't block them (unless it's the only way of stopping you from getting in touch). That way they can contact you if they want. But otherwise acknowledge to yourself the hurt you've caused and walk away so they can heal.

 

[swanchild]

I really feel for you. I've been in similar situations and it hurts so much.

But genuinely, the most honourable and loving thing to do is leave them alone and let them get on with their lives. Don't block them (unless it's the only way of stopping you from getting in touch). That way they can contact you if they want. But otherwise acknowledge to yourself the hurt you've caused and walk away so they can heal.

I know you're right. But they've blocked me now. I do hope and pray for a future where they apologize to me, too. I just know this is causing a relapse into my eating disorder for me. I was on antipsychotics that caused me to gain a lot of weight but now that I'm off them it's a lot easier to restrict and I want to lose as much weight as possible so when they look back they realize they hurt me. I've already lost 25lbs of the 55lbs I gained. I've been practically living off protein shakes and vegetables. I'm just so scared and hurt and alone.

In other spheres, things are getting better. I see my psychiatrist today and I have counseling and what not. Maybe there's hope for me somewhere. But I don't want a future without them in it.

 

[CatLvr]

Unfortunately you cannot have a relationship with someone who does not want a relationship with you. I know it is extremely painful because I am dealing with the same thing. Just know that as much as it hurts you, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is respect their wishes. I don't want to say it gets better because I'm not sure that is true, but it does get less raw over time.

My heart goes out to you. Truly.

 

[Ash]

I know you're right. But they've blocked me now. I do hope and pray for a future where they apologize to me, too. I just know this is causing a relapse into my eating disorder for me. I was on antipsychotics that caused me to gain a lot of weight but now that I'm off them it's a lot easier to restrict and I want to lose as much weight as possible so when they look back they realize they hurt me. I've already lost 25lbs of the 55lbs I gained. I've been practically living off protein shakes and vegetables. I'm just so scared and hurt and alone.

In other spheres, things are getting better. I see my psychiatrist today and I have counseling and what not. Maybe there's hope for me somewhere. But I don't want a future without them in it.

Live each day for you. That's not selfish. It's recovery. Look forwards. You'll meet new people. They won't replace old friendships but they'll be friends in their own right and you'll have relationships with them on your own terms. I know it sounds glib and easy and it bloody well isn't but that's all there is, I'm afraid. It's really, really shit. But do everything to build a life and future for you, if you want it, and don't make it about the past and other people who aren't in your current life. I hope that you're able to look back one day and pass that on to someone else.