I lack any sense of self worth

[willitpass]

I despise myself. I have for years, I mean why else would I have so many attempts under my belt if I felt any sense of worth. However it has been excessively present as of late. I take any perceived mistake or short coming as a reason to repeat "I deserve to suffer. I don't deserve life. I deserve any pain I can cause myself" in my head as I proceed to do anything and everything to cause myself discomfort and pain. I am no stranger to self harm, however I feel like it's become less of an intentional premeditated separate act of isolated harm and now is more of a continuous effort to make myself suffer. My biggest wish is that these levels of self abuse kill me so I don't have to plan out the act myself again. I've been horrible horrible abusing laxatives lately as part of my eating disorder (actually another form of torture as punishment for eating) and dear god I hope the electrolyte imbalances take me out.

 

[flightless bird]

why do you despise yourself?

"I deserve to suffer. I don't deserve life. I deserve any pain I can cause myself"

why? what exactly is your reasoning, or what do you think is causing this?

 

[willitpass]

why do you despise yourself?

why? what exactly is your reasoning, or what do you think is causing this?

I've been severely depressed since I was 9. Well over half my life has been spent riddled with mental illness. Despite years of intensive treatments involving many types of therapy, every medication in the book, shock therapy, and two years worth of hospitalizations, nothing has been able to touch it. My mind has been wired since I was a young child to hate myself. I do not believe I could achieve true self acceptance if I spent the rest of my life trying. I simply feel no sense of worthiness to enjoy life, or to even be content with it at that. I deserve to suffer and I pray that my actions to induce that suffering kill me because my life has been full of so much pain.
I've taken 13,200mg of magnesium hydroxide (a laxative) today. That's 5,500mg of magnesium. The maximum dosage for this laxative is 5000mg/day and magnesium levels can reach toxicity points at 5000mg/day. I haven't done this as an attempt. I am not stupid so don't try and come at me with the "this isn't going to work don't try to CTB this way", but dear lord I hope I get lucky and my stupid self harm kills me tonight. I know it probably won't, I'm aware. I know I'll most likely feel horrific tonight and continue to shit my brains out until it's out of my system. But god I hope I get lucky. For one thing I already run on the lowest possible end of potassium, so my threshold to be thrown back into hypokalemia is very low. Maybe hypermagnesemia combined with hypokalemia will do me in. If not then I deserve the suffering I'm sure will ensue soon.

 

[flightless bird]

I've been severely depressed since I was 9. Well over half my life has been spent riddled with mental illness. Despite years of intensive treatments involving many types of therapy, every medication in the book, shock therapy, and two years worth of hospitalizations, nothing has been able to touch it. My mind has been wired since I was a young child to hate myself. I do not believe I could achieve true self acceptance if I spent the rest of my life trying. I simply feel no sense of worthiness to enjoy life, or to even be content with it at that. I deserve to suffer and I pray that my actions to induce that suffering kill me because my life has been full of so much pain.

i don't understand the guilt that you seem to be feeling. why would you feel guilty? i mean it is ok to want to die. i wanna die too as i'm suffering hell and trapped in unending despair. but couldn't it be the case that what you really hate might be all those things that you've been through, rather than yourself? maybe you should try to make a distinction between what is self and what is not. self-acceptance, at least the way i see it, is not about accepting one's life, it is about understanding oneself, identifying the longings and coming to terms with them. ultimately what is true is true, and it is true that you are not the root-cause of all that pain, other things —things that are not you— are...

 

[willitpass]

i don't understand the guilt that you seem to be feeling. why would you feel guilty? i mean it is ok to want to die. i wanna die too as i'm suffering hell and trapped in unending despair. but couldn't it be the case that what you really hate might be all those things that you've been through, rather than yourself? maybe you should try to make a distinction between what is self and what is not. self-acceptance, at least the way i see it, is not about accepting one's life, it is about understanding oneself, identifying the longings and coming to terms with them. ultimately what is true is true, and it is true that you are not the root-cause of all that pain, other things —things that are not you— are...

As previously stated, I spent years in therapy and working on myself to no avail. I have no energy to continue trying to at the bare minimum be okay with myself. I have resigned myself to this self loathing and abuse for however long I have left. Hopefully that time is limited.

 

[SSamGarrison]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I often feel the same, it is difficult to convince yourself otherwise

 

[willitpass]

In todays chronicles of self-loathing:
I have not eaten today at all, despite the fact that I'm working. I try to avoid doing that at work as my job is physically demanding and I work in healthcare, but I cannot convince myself that I should do so. I'm carefully monitoring myself to make sure my decisions don't impact my ability to work, my self-loathing has no right to cause harm to those I'm caring for. However, I am doing this in preparation for a new bout of potentially lethal self harm tonight. I plan to take large quantities of magnesium tablets. I'm intentionally not eating and strictly limiting my liquid intake to restrict my body from eliminating it as much as possible. Typically someone with healthy kidneys would excrete excess magnesium through urine, or through stool. If I have no stool or urine to excrete, then hypothetically the levels should continue to rise in my blood. If I'm lucky, it will kill me. If I'm not, then I'll just feel shitty. I'm like my own fucked up case study.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

In todays chronicles of self-loathing:
I have not eaten today at all, despite the fact that I'm working. I try to avoid doing that at work as my job is physically demanding and I work in healthcare, but I cannot convince myself that I should do so. I'm carefully monitoring myself to make sure my decisions don't impact my ability to work, my self-loathing has no right to cause harm to those I'm caring for. However, I am doing this in preparation for a new bout of potentially lethal self harm tonight. I plan to take large quantities of magnesium tablets. I'm intentionally not eating and strictly limiting my liquid intake to restrict my body from eliminating it as much as possible. Typically someone with healthy kidneys would excrete excess magnesium through urine, or through stool. If I have no stool or urine to excrete, then hypothetically the levels should continue to rise in my blood. If I'm lucky, it will kill me. If I'm not, then I'll just feel shitty. I'm like my own fucked up case study.

Holy fuck, I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I've also tried many inventive ways to ctb including electrolyte imbalance. My teeth are all fucked from a lifetime of neglect, we had to file down a sharp tooth that broke because I don't have insurance or money for dental.

One of them has been infected with an abscess for months, I was hoping that sepsis would set in to cause organ failure and ctb but it doesn't seem to be happening.

I hope you find peace. Be well on your journey.

 

[willitpass]

Holy fuck, I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I've also tried many inventive ways to ctb including electrolyte imbalance. My teeth are all fucked from a lifetime of neglect, we had to file down a sharp tooth that broke because I don't have insurance or money for dental.

One of them has been infected with an abscess for months, I was hoping that sepsis would set in to cause organ failure and ctb but it doesn't seem to be happening.

I hope you find peace. Be well on your journey.

I hate how resilient my body is. I've done so many horrible things to myself yet I never seem to die from them. In a messed up way, I'm jealous of people whose bodies give up at seemingly small issues. I wish I could swap bodies with someone who dies from an accidental tylenol overdose who wants to live and they can have my body that bounces back from what should be lethal activities.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

I hate how resilient my body is. I've done so many horrible things to myself yet I never seem to die from them. In a messed up way, I'm jealous of people whose bodies give up at seemingly small issues. I wish I could swap bodies with someone who dies from an accidental tylenol overdose who wants to live and they can have my body that bounces back from what should be lethal activities.

I used to believe that the universe just won't let me die. I spoke to my aunt who lost her son to suicide when he and I were 18. She explained that so many people try so many ways to die and they just can't. Adam tried once and got there. My aunt said, "God was ready to take him back".

I'd love to believe something like that, but I think life is just a cruel joke. The difference between tragedy and comedy is perspective.

I hope you find peace.

 

[willitpass]

I used to believe that the universe just won't let me die. I spoke to my aunt who lost her son to suicide when he and I were 18. She explained that so many people try so many ways to die and they just can't. Adam tried once and got there. My aunt said, "God was ready to take him back".

I'd love to believe something like that, but I think life is just a cruel joke. The difference between tragedy and comedy is perspective.

I hope you find peace.

I also have had that thought many times. I've had three serious attempts with partial hanging, SN, and attempted drowning that doctors have told me I should not have survived. Statistically speaking I should not have lived through them and I should have significant brain damage and disability yet I don't. My body is starting to show signs of wearing down though, and it gives me a sense of hope that if I continue to abuse myself like this I will succumb soon. I pray that my body becomes too tired to continue. Years of torturing myself have to catch up to me eventually.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

I also have had that thought many times. I've had three serious attempts with partial hanging, SN, and attempted drowning that doctors have told me I should not have survived. Statistically speaking I should not have lived through them and I should have significant brain damage and disability yet I don't. My body is starting to show signs of wearing down though, and it gives me a sense of hope that if I continue to abuse myself like this I will succumb soon. I pray that my body becomes too tired to continue. Years of torturing myself have to catch up to me eventually.

My last strangulation attempt I tied 4 sets of zip ties around my neck. 2 above and below my goiter. I had a nylon bandana around my neck so the zip ties wouldn't bind on my skin. I emptied by bladder and was out for 45 minutes. I was bleeding from every orifice in our head. The hospital that checked me out said I should have been brain dead, but there was no noticable brain damage.

I get what you mean by wearing down. I'm 38 now but I feel like I'm 68. I wanted to leave behind a sexy corpse at 25. We can't all get what we want hey?

I hope you find peace. Be well on your journey.

 

[Jolene79]

I don't want to belittle or undermine the years you've suffered but seriously the electrolyte imbalance and low levels of nutrients will make your depression significantly worse. I have had all sorts of issues including severely low phosphate ( from a bad reaction to an iron infusion) and it is known to cause severe mental distress. I can attest to that. Low iron,low magnesium , all if it can send some of us into severe depression.

I know you want to die and I don't know how you get round these feelings of self loathing. All I do know is this approach might not kill you but instead intensify your mental torture. I don't know if there's any other way to release this pain for you as long you're in this world

 

[willitpass]

I don't want to belittle or undermine the years you've suffered but seriously the electrolyte imbalance and low levels of nutrients will make your depression significantly worse. I have had all sorts of issues including severely low phosphate ( from a bad reaction to an iron infusion) and it is known to cause severe mental distress. I can attest to that. Low iron,low magnesium , all if it can send some of us into severe depression.

I know you want to die and I don't know how you get round these feelings of self loathing. All I do know is this approach might not kill you but instead intensify your mental torture. I don't know if there's any other way to release this pain for you as long you're in this world

I genuinely do not care about things making my mental state worse. I have seen the darkest depths of mental illness hell time and time again, this is nothing new to me. It's almost a comforting place to be. And I feel as though I deserve the suffering, both mentally and physically. So if this turns into a passive suicide, I'm in luck. If it turns out to be some horrible self harm and I continue on living, well then what's new? I know it's hard to understand, but my head is a fucked up place and I genuinely feel I deserve suffering no matter how intense.

 

[Jolene79]

I genuinely do not care about things making my mental state worse. I have seen the darkest depths of mental illness hell time and time again, this is nothing new to me. It's almost a comforting place to be. And I feel as though I deserve the suffering, both mentally and physically. So if this turns into a passive suicide, I'm in luck. If it turns out to be some horrible self harm and I continue on living, well then what's new? I know it's hard to understand, but my head is a fucked up place and I genuinely feel I deserve suffering no matter how intense.

So sorry you feel so wretched. It really isn't fair you have to suffer like this. I hope you find peace

 

[willitpass]

I managed to not eat all day spare for 4 oz of apple juice, 1.5 cups of coffee with a splash of milk, and two sugar free hard candies. I've just taken 3000mg of magnesium and I plan to take more, I'm just currently too nauseous from the dehydration and hunger.

 

[KafkaF]

Same.

The emotional abuse from my parents took away most of it.

Some of my relationships took away a little more.

My depression, social anxiety and failure anxiety ruining my life took away the rest.

 

[edu0z]

why? what exactly is your reasoning, or what do you think is causing this?

is more like a feeling rather than a logical thing most of the time