Venting I know it was about two months ago, but I still feel like an idiot for not going through with suicide

[BitterlyAlive]

I literally had it all planned out. I feel so weak and pathetic, but what's new.

 

[AlexF]

You don't have to feel that way, on the contrary, it is a good opportunity to rethink and decide what to do, without pressure from one thing or another. Whatever your decision is, it is best to take it calmly and carefully. I wish you all the best and that, if possible, no drastic attitude is needed to make you feel better.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You don't have to feel that way, on the contrary, it is a good opportunity to rethink and decide what to do, without pressure from one thing or another. Whatever your decision is, it is best to take it calmly and carefully. I wish you all the best and that, if possible, no drastic attitude is needed to make you feel better.

You're right. I guess I feel like a fraud and it's getting me down...

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I literally had it all planned out. I feel so weak and pathetic, but what's new.

You aren't pathetic. I have failed a few times in the last year or two. More if you count when I wanted to die as a teen. Thought of a few ways to die. This was long before I knew about better methods.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You aren't pathetic. I have failed a few times in the last year or two. More if you count when I wanted to die as a teen. Thought of a few ways to die. This was long before I knew about better methods.

well, the first time was more like "shit, I didn't want to traumatize anyone" and I aborted before anyone got hurt. It was so damn stupid. God, I'm just angry at myself right now.

Thank God for this website and the ability to discuss methods. Seriously.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I regret not going fully through with it last time I tried, I know what you mean by feeling stupid in some ways. But we are certainly not pathetic, it takes a strong person to still be here despite all the hell we are going though.

 

[Meditation guide]

I literally had it all planned out. I feel so weak and pathetic, but what's new.

This is probably the hardest thing anyone can do. I hate it when people beat themselves up over just being human. I mean we are talking about killing ourselves here. It's kind of normal to not be able to do that.

It's a huge problem for lots of us.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

This is probably the hardest thing anyone can do. I hate it when people beat themselves up over just being human. I mean we are talking about killing ourselves here. It's kind of normal to not be able to do that.

It's a huge problem for lots of us.

I know. And to anyone else, I would say the same thing. But I can't let it go. I'm scared because I feel like I'm running out of time, and angry because I had the perfect chance and didn't do it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm scared because I feel like I'm running out of time, and angry because I had the perfect chance and didn't do it.

I'm in the exact same spot. I'm scared too. Wish I had the answer.

 

[mr.smileysad]

It's not your fault I was writing my suicide note I was literally going to ctb in 10min but I chickened because I didn't want to traumatize anyone or put them through the grief I have been through

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm in the exact same spot. I'm scared too. Wish I had the answer.

Euthanasia would be wonderful!

It's not your fault I was writing my suicide note I was literally going to ctb in 10min but I chickened because I didn't want to traumatize anyone or put them through the grief I have been through

That's really rough, mate. Do you want to talk about it?

 

[mr.smileysad]

Euthanasia would be wonderful!

That's really rough, mate. Do you want to talk about it?

I am feeling a lot happier this week almost feel normal I still have the note on my computer writing it was almost therapeutic. that prob seems a bit psycho

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I can't stop thinking about a video I saw of a lady in Belgium laying on her couch, with a physician putting an intravenous line into her arm preparing to euthanize her. She was relaxed, in her home, comfortable, while he prepared to simply put her to sleep one last time. Why can't we have that?

Right? Animals have a more comfortable and dignified death than humans. But people would argue that those, at least in my position (depression, anxiety, ptsd), aren't thinking clearly and shouldn't be euthanized. I think it's a load of bull.

I am feeling a lot happier this week almost feel normal I still have the note on my computer writing it was almost therapeutic. that prob seems a bit psycho

No, it's not crazy or bad imo. Writing a suicide note can help clear your thoughts and help you prioritize. And I think any form of writing can be therapeutic - it's why my therapist keeps pushing me to journal lol. Same sorts of reasons. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better this week.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I wish that people werent such jerks I have seen many of your posts before. I am sorry you are suffering so much I wish I could have all of your pain
I just thought of a song. its called adams song by blink-182 one of the lines is "the choice was mine I hurried up I didn't think it through" or something like that
and all I could think was that isn't true he probably thought it over many times

 

[Tigeress Lost]

Hi Friend
No Don't Blame Yourself You Are Suffering Enough Not Wanting To ctb Is Your Choice And Yours Alone
Take It Easy xxx

Peace & Hugs

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Why do you feel like you're running out of time?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I wish that people werent such jerks I have seen many of your posts before. I am sorry you are suffering so much I wish I could have all of your pain

Eh, it is what it is :( I'm sorry, I wish i could take everyone else's pain lmao. I'm glad we all have each other, but I hate that this world causes so much misery.

Why do you feel like you're running out of time?

It's a lot of stupid things. My car is old and I may not be able to get to where I want to die. I want to have a certain amount of money in my bank account to cover my memorial and related fees, but I'm beginning to owe a lot of money due to psych/therapy. I would prefer to die before winter.

Really stupid nitpicky things. :|

 

[TAW122]

I feel similarly a few months ago, when the pandemic was just beginning to ravage the US. I told myself, "Fuck, if I knew how bad 2020 was gonna be, I'd certainly just CTB the end of 2019 to spare myself this mess of a life that I have now." However, hindsight is 20/20 and nobody (not even I) could have predicted that a pandemic was gonna come about in 2020 and cause so much disruption, upheaval in our current lives.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I feel similarly a few months ago, when the pandemic was just beginning to ravage the US. I told myself, "Fuck, if I knew how bad 2020 was gonna be, I'd certainly just CTB the end of 2019 to spare myself this mess of a life that I have now." However, hindsight is 20/20 and nobody (not even I) could have predicted that a pandemic was gonna come about in 2020 and cause so much disruption, upheaval in our current lives.

Seriously, this year is a mess. I'm worried about how 2021 is going to look.

 

[Yakamoz]

Seriously, this year is a mess. I'm worried about how 2021 is going to look.

it was even worse

 

[missingpeace]

I feel the same, I'm out here buying all this camping equipment so I can CTB in peace.. it's getting horribly complicated because I'm thinking to myself I'm going to only use this stuff once and someone is going to have to pack all this up after me.. just wish I could hang myself at home and not have to go through all of this.