everlastinghistory
Member
- May 5, 2022
- 86
No matter what I do, every time I love someone I lose them or they treat me like shit.
I loved my family. I'm sure you can imagine how my childhood went for me to end up on here. I didn't love anyone else again for years after that. I fell in love with a girl I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. She was perfect. She is perfect. But she randomly seemed to start hating me in October 2022 and by February 2023 she had blocked me everywhere. Then by April went no go contact. Her going no contact was my own fault. That much I understand. I threatened suicide and harassed her for months to come back. I deserved it. I know that. I don't hate her for it. She deserves peace. After her I started to somewhat fall in love with another girl. She was similar to the original girl but not in a "I was looking for an exact copy" way. I loved her for both her similarities and differences equally. They made her what she was. I still have contact with her though it's rare. I don't think she hates me. Or if she does we don't talk enough for me to know it. She slowly started cutting off contact over time. Now we hardly ever talk at all. That time I hadn't done anything. I hadn't harassed her, I hadn't threatened her, nothing. She seemed beyond happy talking to me. I have no clue what I did to push her away. Then more recently I found a guy and we seemed to just immediately click from the first conversation. He's everything I've ever dreamed of. Absolutely perfect. He really is. I want to marry him some day. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm sure of it. The only problem is that we live well… In different continents. Which yeah that bothered me, but it wasn't something I found too big of an inconvenience. The levels to which I care about him and love him make that feel irrelevant. I've always done everything I could to make him happy. I thought I did make him happy. He went into the relationship knowing I had mental issues and what those issues were and I knew about his. I researched everything I could to make sure I understood him properly. I never responded to messages more than 5 minutes after he sent them unless I was really busy. I always immediately fixed things if he said anything bothered him and even that rarely happened. I did everything I know how to make him feel just as perfect as I see him. Then he said he wasn't feeling so great. That was okay. I knew any relationship would come with times like that. I did what I could to try and make him feel better. Then a few days passed and he decided he wanted to take a break from social media for a few days. I didn't mind that either. But then he came back… And when he came back he essentially said he didn't think he could handle being in a relationship right now. I'll admit that did have me approximately one more button being pressed away from me threatening him like I did that one girl. But I didn't. I told him that I needed to think about it before I could respond because I didn't want to say anything I'd regret. He was fine with that. He seemed genuinely apologetic about the entire situation. When I did finally respond he seemed okay with the response. We had a short conversation and in the end we decided to stay friends but just not date right now because he couldn't handle a long distance situation.
It's been a little while and we're still talking as usual. There's a few differences but overall it feels… Similar.
Something isn't right though.
He said he couldn't handle long distance but also said the feelings he had towards me were still there.
Maybe I'm just overanalyzing to hell and back but does that not imply he still feels the same about the distance in or out of a relationship? I just don't see how there's any difference there.
I've had multiple people tell me he most likely found somebody else offline and just didn't want me to feel bad about it because he knew how much I freaked out when the girl I mentioned earlier left. I'm honestly starting to believe that.
I just don't get it though. I've done everything I know how. I've done nothing but show him love. I've been careful not to make the same mistakes again. For fucks sake I would do practically anything for this man. I couldn't even imagine a future with somebody else. I wasn't even planning on having a future before I met him. I was gonna kill myself this May in France over the first girl. I met him and completely dropped that plan. Now I'm not sure I should have.
Quite frankly I don't think I want to live in a world where no matter what I do nobody will care enough about me to want a proper lasting relationship with me. Friends, family, people I've dated… They all distanced themselves from me. What's the point of life when all you want is to be loved yet every time you love it ends in wishing you weren't alive in the first place? Maybe I'm just not made for life. Maybe what I really need is to stop hoping for someone who's different. Because they don't exist.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong in these relationships. There is no common factor in them except me. My behaviour isn't the same yet it still always ends the same. I'm the problem and it's not even something I can fix. It's like I'm cursed or something.
I loved my family. I'm sure you can imagine how my childhood went for me to end up on here. I didn't love anyone else again for years after that. I fell in love with a girl I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. She was perfect. She is perfect. But she randomly seemed to start hating me in October 2022 and by February 2023 she had blocked me everywhere. Then by April went no go contact. Her going no contact was my own fault. That much I understand. I threatened suicide and harassed her for months to come back. I deserved it. I know that. I don't hate her for it. She deserves peace. After her I started to somewhat fall in love with another girl. She was similar to the original girl but not in a "I was looking for an exact copy" way. I loved her for both her similarities and differences equally. They made her what she was. I still have contact with her though it's rare. I don't think she hates me. Or if she does we don't talk enough for me to know it. She slowly started cutting off contact over time. Now we hardly ever talk at all. That time I hadn't done anything. I hadn't harassed her, I hadn't threatened her, nothing. She seemed beyond happy talking to me. I have no clue what I did to push her away. Then more recently I found a guy and we seemed to just immediately click from the first conversation. He's everything I've ever dreamed of. Absolutely perfect. He really is. I want to marry him some day. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm sure of it. The only problem is that we live well… In different continents. Which yeah that bothered me, but it wasn't something I found too big of an inconvenience. The levels to which I care about him and love him make that feel irrelevant. I've always done everything I could to make him happy. I thought I did make him happy. He went into the relationship knowing I had mental issues and what those issues were and I knew about his. I researched everything I could to make sure I understood him properly. I never responded to messages more than 5 minutes after he sent them unless I was really busy. I always immediately fixed things if he said anything bothered him and even that rarely happened. I did everything I know how to make him feel just as perfect as I see him. Then he said he wasn't feeling so great. That was okay. I knew any relationship would come with times like that. I did what I could to try and make him feel better. Then a few days passed and he decided he wanted to take a break from social media for a few days. I didn't mind that either. But then he came back… And when he came back he essentially said he didn't think he could handle being in a relationship right now. I'll admit that did have me approximately one more button being pressed away from me threatening him like I did that one girl. But I didn't. I told him that I needed to think about it before I could respond because I didn't want to say anything I'd regret. He was fine with that. He seemed genuinely apologetic about the entire situation. When I did finally respond he seemed okay with the response. We had a short conversation and in the end we decided to stay friends but just not date right now because he couldn't handle a long distance situation.
It's been a little while and we're still talking as usual. There's a few differences but overall it feels… Similar.
Something isn't right though.
He said he couldn't handle long distance but also said the feelings he had towards me were still there.
Maybe I'm just overanalyzing to hell and back but does that not imply he still feels the same about the distance in or out of a relationship? I just don't see how there's any difference there.
I've had multiple people tell me he most likely found somebody else offline and just didn't want me to feel bad about it because he knew how much I freaked out when the girl I mentioned earlier left. I'm honestly starting to believe that.
I just don't get it though. I've done everything I know how. I've done nothing but show him love. I've been careful not to make the same mistakes again. For fucks sake I would do practically anything for this man. I couldn't even imagine a future with somebody else. I wasn't even planning on having a future before I met him. I was gonna kill myself this May in France over the first girl. I met him and completely dropped that plan. Now I'm not sure I should have.
Quite frankly I don't think I want to live in a world where no matter what I do nobody will care enough about me to want a proper lasting relationship with me. Friends, family, people I've dated… They all distanced themselves from me. What's the point of life when all you want is to be loved yet every time you love it ends in wishing you weren't alive in the first place? Maybe I'm just not made for life. Maybe what I really need is to stop hoping for someone who's different. Because they don't exist.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong in these relationships. There is no common factor in them except me. My behaviour isn't the same yet it still always ends the same. I'm the problem and it's not even something I can fix. It's like I'm cursed or something.
