I kind of want my psychosis to get worse.

[Anxieyote]

I've really been leaning into my delusional thoughts lately.

I've been using stuffed animals to cope, and there's one in particular who has been developing their own "voice" as time goes on. It started out with just cuddling them when I was going through panic attacks, but I began to roleplay conversations with my favorite one.

I was aware that it was all pretend at first, but I found it easier to separate my inner voice from theirs as time went on.

I know I should be concerned, but it honestly feels good. They've been very motherly towards me, if that makes sense. "We'll protect you from this, we'll protect you from that, I love you, I'll take care of you, etc."

I have a hard time seeing it as a bad thing; at least for now. It's been a reliable way for me to escape during some really dark moments.

I'm kind of at a point where I'm like, "Screw it, if this makes me even kind of happy, I'll take what I can get." My only hesitation is that I've talked to a person on this forum about this before, and they advised me not to continue; and that it changed their life in a really bad way when they leaned into their delusions and inner voices. They wouldn't go into further detail than that, but it did scare me a bit.

This is my first time experiencing something like this, so I don't know what to expect. If anyone has personal experience with psychosis or schizophrenia, I would like to hear your thoughts.

 

[ImpulsiveFreak]

I have bipolar disorder and I'm not at all saying I've gone through what you are experiencing to such an extent. But during some of my high manic episodes I've had delusions and heard voices before and a lot of times it was kind of a comforting escape and made sense to go with it but then other times it can go from like a hard switch into playing into your paranoia and fears and that makes everything your going through worse. Now I'm not saying this is something that'll happen to you I just feel like it can be unpredictable. I'm sorry your dealing wit this and sorry if this sounds stupid

 

[justagreenleaf]

My voices weren't scary (just radio-like, conversations in the background, positive topics) but I never had such intense fear (and couldn't figure out why). It's like my brain, although it wasn't "realizing" that I was hallucinating, was trying hard to make me "remember something" that I couldn't quite put my finger on (namely that I had gone mad). I sat in the stairs of my appatment building for hours, paralyzed and trying to find what I had "missed" that so important.

 

[whatevs]

Sadly, even though I've always liked the idea of imaginary friends (serious), I have to agree, leaning into this further can very easily turn into a nightmare. You think these voices or characters will always be protective or pleasant? What's in your subconscious? Why are you even on this forum?

Your subconscious is extra-fucked, in short. Considering how psychosis and schizophrenia work you're probably setting yourself up for a nightmarish scenario.

 

[freedompass]

I have bipolar with psychosis. Delusions and hallucinations can be very seductive and appealing especially when 'reality' feels so cold and harsh. No question they can be enjoyable but for me they cause a lot of inner conflict down the line. Shame 'what was I thinking!' Alienating people I care about 'major cringe when I recall what I said to them'. Making an absolute ass of myself on social media. It's an absolute cringefest.

There are also much more serious ramifications. At least there were, for me. Psychosis has destroyed my life. Without it I most likely would not be on this forum. It took away my agency, the ability to make a rational decision. I brought a child into the world I was unfit to care for. Worst regret of my life.

So I take my meds religiously and hope that this time psychosis won't come for me (sadly the likelihood is, it will). My advice would therefore be as follows. Don't take your sanity/balance of your mind for granted. Don't invite psychosis in however tempting it can be.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I recently read (or attempted to read) a long perspective/opinion/evaluative blog post about the "hearing voices" movement, which is (probably?) applicable to this. I won't try to summarize it, but I'll link it. My initial takeaway from admittedly cursory reading was that this approach might not necessarily be bad, under certain circumstances that would have to be considered on a case by case basis. Yes, my takeaway is pretty vague. I can't help it. That's how my brain works when evaluating this type of thing. [Huh. Now that I am looking at it again, my takeaway kinda matches the writer's opinion.]

In Partial, Grudging Defense Of The Hearing Voices Movement

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