I kind of still miss her (I think)

[Locolemonlenner_xx]

Hey. So this doesn't really have to do with suicide. A little bit. But still. I don't know who to talk to about this.

I. I think. I'm not sure. But I think I might still miss my ex from 3 and 4 years ago (we dated for a year and then broke up and then started dating again for a few months).
She was toxic near the end of our relationship (both times). Besides that she was great. She actually both times broke up with me and then a day later started dating someone else. The first time she broke up with me, I was heartbroken, but I don't blame her. My mental health was taking a toll and during that time I was about to attempt to ctb. She broke up with me and then I attempted to. It was just the last thing. It didn't work (luckily), but then I started recovering and around 5 months later we started dating again. But then after 3 months she broke up with me again. This time it was about her finding someone else. That time we were dating online so she wanted someone in her life. And I support that. So I wasn't *as* heartbroken.

However, honestly, thinking about it now, I think I still have feelings for her.

We don't even live in the same city anymore. Or even the same province (we dated in Secondary school). It's weird but I think I still miss her. I think I want her back and I don't know. We just got along so well and she filled a place in my heart. It might not even be me missing her, but me missing a partner in general. But I haven't been as connected to a partner since her. It is lame. I don't know and I just need to talk about it. I don't know what to do. I also have feelings for someone else. But I don't know how to act on them because we are close friends. I think I'm going to ask them out today though.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

i get feeling as though you miss an old partner, i still miss my first partner who ended our relationship roughly five years ago and i feel like i havent been able to find that same connection with anyone else since. but i think judging by how your relationship didnt end up working twice, it wasnt an equally fulfilling relationship for the both of you, and its best left in the past. it doesnt matter if one person sees the relationship as perfect, if both partners arent equally fulfilled then it will just be painful for both people, and it just isnt meant to be. you will do yourself more harm than good trying to stay in a relationship that isnt balanced, either you will be hurt by the other person or you will hurt the other person, and its just better to move on. realising this is the better outcome for both of you is really important to being able to move on. i didnt realise this at the time my partner broke up with me but realising it later definitely helped me come to terms with why she did and im glad that it prevented either of us further suffering, even tho it took me a while to recover from it.
now moving on is another hurdle to tackle. i would definitely try seeing if this other person you have feelings for would be interested in a relationship. but be careful you arent treating it as a rebound. i would take the time to get over your previous feelings before starting a new relationship, as this could potentially hurt the next person you start a relationship with. but once you do, starting a new relationship could be a good way to heal from the loss of a previous relationship.
im not an expert tho, and ive only ever been in one relationship since my first one, which didnt end up working out, so idk if this is the right way to go about things but i feel like its at least a somewhat healthy way of going about it if that makes sense. it can definitely be helpful just venting your thoughts on here when you need to just get it out of your head. i wish you all the best.