Venting I keep trying to find hope to hang on to

[Mea Culpa]

Recently, in another post I made, my best friend had ghosted me why I was in the ward. I blamed myself, thought it was all my fault. Even now it feels like it is. But I held out hope that he would come back. When me and partner were asking him what was going on, he said he quit smoking weed, then lashed out pretty aggressively. I understand. We didnt respect his need for space. So asking us again, weve been giving him space. I did research on weed withdrawals and figured maybe that's why he ghosted me. He didnt wanna risk lashing out at me directly. Because he was only texting my partner. So I've been holding out hope again that ince hes feeling better, he will come back. The way he lashed out, it seemed like he was gonna block us then and there but he hadn't and hasn't. We are still friends in everything. So I keep tugging that small string. That small tether of SI. Hope. It takes ALLOT to get him angry, and smoked heavily daily. Its gonna take a while. But as each day passes, I lose hope. More and more. I feel so alone. I cant stand being awake and sober. Now I'm getting night terrors again. I feel foolish for holding on and not letting myself ctb. But as the days go, maybe I'm closer to ctb than I think. This is someone who when I told that I was trying to die, he wasnt mad. He only urged me to get help. He was so proud of me for going. Said our friend group would never fall apart. Wanted to move in with us. He had my back and did everything he could think of to help me. And i just cant shake it that i ruined everything. And that when/if he does return, hes just gonna tell me he doesnt want to be my friend anymore. Because I fucked up. As usual. Honestly I am a fool. I should just ctb. Stop holding on to frivolous hope that we will be a happy family again. Because I'll only ruin it more. I feel so stupid. I hate SI so much because that's just what hope boils down to being. A way to latch on to something to keep me alive with the promise of maybe. Maybe. Maybe he'll come back.... Its been about 14 days. If I guess when he quit. I dont know if he will ever come back, but my head wants to hold on to that string. But it feels so heavy and it's getting heavier... I don't wanna lose someone else. I don't want to be abandoned again... I'm tired of things being my fault. I'm tired of being this way, I'm tired of finding reasons to hold on....

 

[imbackagainhi]

You didn't ruin anything. And i feel you. Just lost my best friends of 16 years, a couple, because of a furry erp guy, because i was too depressed and not interesting enough and unlike me he's lifting them up because he's a successful busy man. Imagine how devalued and dehumanized i feel now.

I don't want to force anything on you but if you need someone to talk to i'm here. I can relate.

Me and my husband fucked ourselves up by smoking too much weed last year, he's bipolar, I'm schizoaffective, and we ended up almost (literally) killing each other because we got aggressive whenever we went off that shit, god i hate weed now. It literally triggered heavy psychosis in both of us. "harmless ganja, broski" my ass.

Not your fault. Please understand that. I'm a stranger, i have nothing to gain from lying to you just to make you feel better. Drugs suck and they change people. Hopefully your friend quits and gets clean soon (may take months for the psychosis and/or anger issues to go away) and you know, if not, what can you do? is he worth killing yourself over?

I'm for, if you want to die, die for yourself not someone else. but again that's just my two cents. good luck and i hope things will go better for you.

 

[Mea Culpa]

Tbh with you, he is. Because if I was right about everything originally, that he hates me, and meant what he said when he lashed out and all... I just wont be able to ever feel like I can open myself up to someone else like him ever again. And that's not how I wanna live. Hes been such an amazing person to me, and jim quitting weed has made him do a complete 180. He isnt a cruel or mean person and hasnt been since we met. But if I'm wrong, I just cant keep going and hoping each and everytime will be different because I just cant close myself off. Then the cycle of me getting hurt just never ends.