I keep putting it off now.

[cantwaittoleave]

I tried to ctb in May. It failed and I just ended up unconscious for 2 days in my home. Nobody noticed, I woke up and just continued like normal. Now I've decided on another method but I keep putting off actually doing it. First I decided to go visit my friends one last time. Then I got covid, and said "I'll wait until I don't have covid." Now it's something else. I've been putting it off for probably over a month now ever since deciding on the new method. I haven't even bought the things necessary to do it yet. And I had a talk with somebody that made me think about possibly wanting to try with life, but I'll only really want to if something certain happens and I was told it's not a guarantee. So I just doubt that it will happen, or question if it will. And when I feel like it won't happen, I literally just go back into my old routine of waking up and immediately thinking about ctb. And going to sleep thinking about ctb. Part of me wants to wait to see if this possible thing will happen, but if it doesn't end up happening then everything will be wasted. And how long will I be waiting? When do I get to find out if it's true or not? I wish I knew now, and I also just wish that I had the guts to ctb now instead of waiting around more. It's like every little thing was an excuse, and now I have a bit of hope for a somewhat happy life, but it's not even a guarantee. I'm pissed off at myself and frustrated with the lack of answers I have.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be frustrated. I can imagine that it must be tiring being in that situation. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Worndown]

It is OK to delay this. There are many factors that need to align. If that happens, the situation is right and you will do it.

 

[plshlpme]

I feel sorry for you. What method did you use in May? How did it fail?

 

[ready_to_go]

There's no shame in delaying it. In fact, its good that part of you is fighting it. Ctb is an awful last resort, which for some of us tragically can't be avoided. Please continue to find the strength and to do what it takes to get through whatever it is you're going through. You can't control what anyone else does, only what you do.

 

[Aeathelina]

No same in delaying. When the moment is right to make whatever choice you chose then it will happen

 

[cantwaittoleave]

I feel sorry for you. What method did you use in May? How did it fail?

I tried to myself, and it failed because I guess I didn't use enough or maybe it was too diluted.

 

[QuietEnd]

I feel like I'm in a slightly similar position except without a recent failed attempt. So I feel the struggle you are in.

I don't know whether sharing my story will help... I have almost everything I need to CTB - last parts are on order and due to arrive next week. I've been going through detailed planning and then a last chance option was put in front of me. Now I'm waiting for the decision on whether that option can go ahead and the stress is overwhelming. If I hold onto the hope and it fails it's going to be horrendous, so whilst wanting to believe in it, feeling like I should believe in it but knowing the world is cruel and miracles like this don't happen I swing to despair. The constant emotional upheaval made the horrendous experience I was already in awful.

When do you think you'll know the decision for yours?

 

[cantwaittoleave]

I wish I knew when I would even know. The decision making in that regard has nothing to do with me, and I only think I can influence it so much, and I think it will take so long that it's almost not worth it to me. Considering it's not even a guarantee. But every day some things seem worse and some things seem better, sometimes things bounce in between being worse and better. Just a few minutes ago I had an interaction that showed everything was worse. When things are worse it's much easier for me to just decide and be determined then and there that I am not going to stay. A good chunk of my mind is already made up.

I wish I knew when I would even know. The decision making in that regard has nothing to do with me, and I only think I can influence it so much, and I think it will take so long that it's almost not worth it to me. Considering it's not even a guarantee. But every day some things seem worse and some things seem better, sometimes things bounce in between being worse and better. Just a few minutes ago I had an interaction that showed everything was worse. When things are worse it's much easier for me to just decide and be determined then and there that I am not going to stay. A good chunk of my mind is already made up.

I think I already have made up my mind, I'm just staying slightly longer for the off chance that things will improve. But I'm like a parent counting down for their child, and the children can choose to listen or not listen. If the child listens and does what I ask without me having to ask again and wait, in other words, things turn up in an obviously long-term manner, I will stay. If the child does not listen to me and tests my boundaries again or waits too long, in other words, things stay sour or get worse, I will go as I have planned on doing.

 

[Sovereign]

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in my friend. I hope that whatever becomes of your life and suffering leads to a blissful end.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I tried to myself, and it failed because I guess I didn't use enough or maybe it was too diluted.

Poisoning yourself to CTB is not an easy thing to accomplish. I mean yes there's a whole number of things you can ingest that will definitely make you CTB if you take enough of it, but nearly all of them will be extremely painful to go through (like paracetamol and cyanide). The very few that aren't like opioids and barbiturates are very difficult to get a hold of. SN is quite easier to get a hold of than the others depending on which country you live in, but while not described as painful, it's not as comfortable as CTBing on opioids or barbiturates.