Discussion I keep going from desperately wanting to kill myself to being kind of ok?

[IsItReallyParanoia]

When it's bad it's AWFUL
But then it kind of pass? It's not like "GOD LIFE IS AMAZING I TOTALLY WANT TO BE ALIVE WHAT WAS IN MY MIND", but more like "Meh, I don't really give a fuck. I have no reason to live but I have no reason to not live either, so why even bother killing myself?" and then things happen and I don't feel like I can bear it anymore

 

[Vidar33]

I am not a psychiatrist, but usually these kind of "yes or no" feelings tend to get less with age. It's an emotional rollercoaster that can be pretty exhausting.

 

[tile66915n]

When it's bad it's AWFUL
But then it kind of pass? It's not like "GOD LIFE IS AMAZING I TOTALLY WANT TO BE ALIVE WHAT WAS IN MY MIND", but more like "Meh, I don't really give a fuck. I have no reason to live but I have no reason to not live either, so why even bother killing myself?" and then things happen and I don't feel like I can bear it anymore

I feel exactly the same. too tired to make an attempt. too tired to live.

Probably if i intoxicate myself with enough stimulants I can make the jump off a cliff.

 

[FallenRose]

I feel the same on most days, there's highs and lows that no one understands, not even me. Sometimes it's just a matter of, what's the point of living if I don't really want to do anything with my life? People are expecting you to have a passion and a drive to reach a goal but really I feel like I'm just there, existing.

 

[Xaphous]

Yes I made a similar post about it, it's I may as well endure this to I definitely have to do it. I still believe it may be better to endure it no matter how much hell life throws at me but that perspective changes a lot. Life should have some enjoyment not a constant painful endurance as it has been.

 

[postmortem]

I've struggled with this almost all my life. It's like a minor inconvenience will set me off and I will fly into uncontrollable rage and/or sadness and make up my mind about ending it. I've even attempted to CTB so many times, it's crazy. And then, the next day would go well, and though the underlying feeling that I need to CTB will be there, I'm convinced it will pass.

 

[TAW122]

I've struggled with this over the last few years, I went from wanting to die to not wanting to die, depending on the circumstances, and sometimes only a catalyst away from dying. I've been very close to death, including planning a date, a method, and mustering my courage to override my SI, but ultimately, in those times, an event or turning point always pulled me away. There were at least three times in the last two years where I would have CTB'd, back in August 2017, December 2018, March 2019.

 

[jake3d]

I never wanted to consider this option. A stressful and unpredictable life and the lack of self-care brought me to this point. But the ups and the downs, yes i can totally relate to it.