Venting I keep failing to go through with it.

[konarti]

My life turned around recently, from having a good home, good job, good woman, my kids.. she turned around a told me she doesn't want to be with me no more.. 10 years we was together, 2 kids.. Basically get out the house, i'll keep everything we built, you have nothing, because that's how it is and how life goes. It's messed me up...
Anyway this was 2 weeks ago.. I went off.. went to a notorious bridge in the UK .. got there with my intention then thought fuck me that is high, like really high.. 10+ second drop to the ground high,. i just didn't have the guts to do it.. Police caught up with me soon after and I begged them not to section me again, that place is horrible .. from there I drove to London where I grew up. Slept in the car for 7 days. Every night i waited till the sun went down, brought a bottle of vodka and went to a train station with night trains and fast trains with intentions of chucking myself under.. 5+ hours for 5 days I spent sat by the train track drinking, just hoping to have that final urge to throw myself under but It just didn't come, I buckled again.. 5 fucking days, every night! I've had my ups and downs all my life but don't think I've ever been as low and ready as I was that week and it still didn't happen. So messed up but the thought of pain is putting me off, I don't know why because inside i'm hurt, my body aches from shit from how I'm feeling..
I need to know some other methods.

 

[SinisterKid]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

 

[Time]

Welcome, konarti. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We're hear if you want to talk. Also, there's plenty of information available here.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

 

[realjunes]

My life turned around recently, from having a good home, good job, good woman, my kids.. she turned around a told me she doesn't want to be with me no more.. 10 years we was together, 2 kids.. Basically get out the house, i'll keep everything we built, you have nothing, because that's how it is and how life goes. It's messed me up...
Anyway this was 2 weeks ago.. I went off.. went to a notorious bridge in the UK .. got there with my intention then thought fuck me that is high, like really high.. 10+ second drop to the ground high,. i just didn't have the guts to do it.. Police caught up with me soon after and I begged them not to section me again, that place is horrible .. from there I drove to London where I grew up. Slept in the car for 7 days. Every night i waited till the sun went down, brought a bottle of vodka and went to a train station with night trains and fast trains with intentions of chucking myself under.. 5+ hours for 5 days I spent sat by the train track drinking, just hoping to have that final urge to throw myself under but It just didn't come, I buckled again.. 5 fucking days, every night! I've had my ups and downs all my life but don't think I've ever been as low and ready as I was that week and it still didn't happen. So messed up but the thought of pain is putting me off, I don't know why because inside i'm hurt, my body aches from shit from how I'm feeling..
I need to know some other methods.

Dear Konarti.
I see you joined us just today, and will say just in time. My heart aches for what you have experienced in just the last two weeks. Just the bit you have told us is enough to crush anyone's soul. Let me say I and others will be so happy that you joined this forum at this moment. You will find this to be virtual safe place for someone in your situation. Here you have the information you asked for, which was already linked to you in a post. Here you will have friends who have been through some of the experiences as you have, and perhaps most important, here you will have communication to use to whatever degree you wish. This is your first post but you should know that once you have made 5 posts and been with us at least 24 hours, you can then send and receive private messages (PM) with forum members. I don't know anything about your life now other than what you told us. You have many years of what was a meaningful life you just had to leave behind unwillingly. We don't know yet where your life will go. But I personally (just me) suggest if at all possible you find a place to stay, out of the elements, where you can begin to reckon with your circumstances. Try not to think of ending your life in such a state of shock and despair, though it is completely a reaction many would have. Please read as much as you can on this forum, the guides you were linked to, but also read the different threads and how others are dealing with terrible circumstances. And, please, stay with us so you can be communicated with directly or you can reach out to any member in a PM, if you wish. You will have nothing to lose starting this phase of your life here on the SS forum and perhaps much to gain, even if it is just camaraderie, but I believe it can be more for you. There is enormous compassion and wisdom here, and we welcome you to participate as little or as much as you like, and I believe it will help you to begin to get your arms around this terrible sad circumstance. Please get to a safe place, get warm and fed, and sleep more comfortably and let us see what unfolds for you in the next days. We wish you some moments of peace and extend our love and care to you. Let us know how things are for you. I know many members will read your first post and wish to be here for you.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Hey there. Welcome to the forum. I have the same story. Had everything, and lost everything. Only difference is I am also living with an end stage blood disease, so I know the pain of losing your entire world and then losing your health and being alone.

If you need someone to talk to, there are a lot of really sympathetic and good people here. Lots of people just keep going because of the kindness and support of members of this group.

Anyway I am really sorry you are in so much pain, i would like to encourage you to hang around with us for a while, you will find lots of good people here. Some battling psychological dissorders, others addiction, others have physical health issues, and others who are just lost and alone... But one thing we all have in common is we are all in Pain, and we are all here for each other.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[jgm63]

My life turned around recently, from having a good home, good job, good woman, my kids.. she turned around a told me she doesn't want to be with me no more.. 10 years we was together, 2 kids.. Basically get out the house, i'll keep everything we built, you have nothing, because that's how it is and how life goes. It's messed me up...
Anyway this was 2 weeks ago.. I went off.. went to a notorious bridge in the UK .. got there with my intention then thought fuck me that is high, like really high.. 10+ second drop to the ground high,. i just didn't have the guts to do it.. Police caught up with me soon after and I begged them not to section me again, that place is horrible .. from there I drove to London where I grew up. Slept in the car for 7 days. Every night i waited till the sun went down, brought a bottle of vodka and went to a train station with night trains and fast trains with intentions of chucking myself under.. 5+ hours for 5 days I spent sat by the train track drinking, just hoping to have that final urge to throw myself under but It just didn't come, I buckled again.. 5 fucking days, every night! I've had my ups and downs all my life but don't think I've ever been as low and ready as I was that week and it still didn't happen. So messed up but the thought of pain is putting me off, I don't know why because inside i'm hurt, my body aches from shit from how I'm feeling..
I need to know some other methods.

Before you make any big decisions, could you not first stop and evaluate things ?
Don't you have any legal rights ?
Can she really just make you homeless like that ?
Do you still have the keys ?
Has she changed the locks ? If she has then perhaps you should call the police, to regain entry ?
I think you should return to that property, and take your time to figure out what to do next.
Don't let her bully you.
Perhaps you can build a new life for yourself.
Do you still have your job ? Can you go back to it ?

I would call some different helplines / citizens advice, etc, and find out what your legal rights are.

 

[konarti]

Before you make any big decisions, could you not first stop and evaluate things ?
Don't you have any legal rights ? Nope.. it's all in her name.

Can she really just make you homeless like that ? Yes, the house is in her name, she's a woman, my kids live here.. If she wants me out, regardless of how many years and money I've put into this house, she can.

Do you still have the keys ? No keys, she asked me to give them to her.

Has she changed the locks ? Nope, I have no rights. I trusted her, it's all in her name.

I think you should return to that property, and take your time to figure out what to do next. ..I have, 3 days ago she said I can sleep on the sofa downstairs till I find a place of my own, it's like a huge slap in the face. I'm walking around the house I decorated from top to bottom with my bare hands, I payed for every single bit of furniture in this house, walking around it like i'm a stranger, asking her things like can I go have a wash.

Don't let her bully you. She's truly fucked me over and there is nothing I can do.

Perhaps you can build a new life for yourself. I just can't see how I can go from everything I had to starting a new life, it'll never be the same. I spent 10 years of my life building what we have today, I've put everything into this.

Do you still have your job ? Can you go back to it ? I still have a job, I went back on yesterday and today. I took 8+ days off. I have a couple friends there, it's a good job, but most people there are arsehole. I actually felt very slightly better before going back on friday and it brought me down again. I don't want to be there, especially not with this mindset,

 

[jgm63]

Before you make any big decisions, could you not first stop and evaluate things ?
Don't you have any legal rights ? Nope.. it's all in her name.

Can she really just make you homeless like that ? Yes, the house is in her name, she's a woman, my kids live here.. If she wants me out, regardless of how many years and money I've put into this house, she can.

Do you still have the keys ? No keys, she asked me to give them to her.

Has she changed the locks ? Nope, I have no rights. I trusted her, it's all in her name.

I think you should return to that property, and take your time to figure out what to do next. ..I have, 3 days ago she said I can sleep on the sofa downstairs till I find a place of my own, it's like a huge slap in the face. I'm walking around the house I decorated from top to bottom with my bare hands, I payed for every single bit of furniture in this house, walking around it like i'm a stranger, asking her things like can I go have a wash.

Don't let her bully you. She's truly fucked me over and there is nothing I can do.

Perhaps you can build a new life for yourself. I just can't see how I can go from everything I had to starting a new life, it'll never be the same. I spent 10 years of my life building what we have today, I've put everything into this.

Do you still have your job ? Can you go back to it ? I still have a job, I went back on yesterday and today. I took 8+ days off.

Ok. Well if you can keep that job then perhaps you can slowly rebuild. In a year or two from now things could be very different. Perhaps you'll meet someone who better deserves you.
Are there any friends you could stay with for a little while ?
Otherwise I guess the first priority is to find somewhere basic to rent, perhaps just renting a room as a lodger until you can figure out something better....
Obviously in future you would need to completely rethink how you organise finances from a legal standpoint, i.e. never put 100% trust in anyone, always have your own contingencies.

Of course, if you were determined to CTB then we would try to offer support, but my thought would be to try the above first....

 

[konarti]

I think that out of option. I literally will be left with nothing. 10 years and have to start from scratch, which some may suggest to do so, but it's such a long process. I'm just ready to finish it within the next few days. I keep being drawn back to chucking myself under a train, I have a few doubts though.. Is it 100%? Will it be instant? I've read a few threads and this method is rarely talked about, is that for a reason I'm unaware of?

 

[jgm63]

I think that out of option. I literally will be left with nothing. 10 years and have to start from scratch, which some may suggest to do so, but it's such a long process. I'm just ready to finish it within the next few days. I keep being drawn back to chucking myself under a train, I have a few doubts though.. Is it 100%? Will it be instant? I've read a few threads and this method is rarely talked about, is that for a reason I'm unaware of?

Is your physical health fairly good ?
If so, then I feel as though you're making the wrong decision, although of course it is your decision to make, so I won't say any more on the matter, and it may be that I just don't fully understand all the nuances of the situation....

If you're determined to proceed, then this site has a very good search function. There will no doubt be loads of information from past discussions, so you can just put "train" into the search, and start reading up, if you feel sure that's the method you want to go with.

note : If you want to talk to anyone privately (instead of posting on threads), then you can use "PM" (PM = personal message, a bit like sending someone an email)
You need to make at least 5 posts and need to have been active for at least 24 hours to get access.
If you don't know what to post, you can post in some of the "games" threads (see "offtopic" section).
Once you have PM access, when you hover the mouse pointer over a user name, you will see a "start conversation" button...

 

[konarti]

My physical health is good, slim, no health issues.
I just honestly can't see a way around it, I always tend to over think things, i go through variables on every situation, things that might happen, how, why, when etc.. My mind has always worked weird like that.
For this I can see 2 options only, I've gone through every avenue in my head and it leads to 2 paths. First one, start from scratch, what's stopping me doing that.. I had everything, a very comfortable life, spent 10 years of my life building it to what it was 2 weeks ago and have had it taken away from me through no fault of my own. The idea of starting from scratch just feels embarrassing, long winded. I don't have any close close friends, just people I work with, I feel embarrassed by the whole situation, I'm a proud person and have been truly fucked over.
The other option is what I want to do, what I need, to end my life. It's been over 2 weeks and my thoughts have not changed.

 

[jgm63]

My physical health is good, slim, no health issues.
I just honestly can't see a way around it, I always tend to over think things, i go through variables on every situation, things that might happen, how, why, when etc.. My mind has always worked weird like that.
For this I can see 2 options only, I've gone through every avenue in my head and it leads to 2 paths. First one, start from scratch, what's stopping me doing that.. I had everything, a very comfortable life, spent 10 years of my life building it to what it was 2 weeks ago and have had it taking away from me through no fault of my own. The idea of starting from scratch just feels embarrassing, long winded. I don't have any close close friends, just people I work with, I feel embarrassed by the whole situation, I'm a proud person and have been truly fucked over.
The other option is what I want to do, what I need, to end my life. It's been over 2 weeks and my thoughts have not changed.

Fair enough. Obviously it's your decision to make. In terms of embarrassment, I wouldn't give that a second thought because you have nothing to be embarrassed about....

But anyhow, we will of course try to support you as best we can....

 

[Wayfaerer]

This is why getting married is a very bad idea if you're a man.

 

[jgm63]

This is why getting married is a very bad idea if you're a man.

That seems like a silly statement. Why not just : "If you get married, make sure you have legal arrangements in place, so your finances won't be destroyed if you should separate".

 

[Wayfaerer]

That seems like a silly statement. Why not just : "If you get married, make sure you have legal arrangements in place, so your finances won't be destroyed if you should separate".

Like a prenup? They mean squat.

 

[jgm63]

Like a prenup? They mean squat.

ok, well then just perhaps an insistence of having separate bank accounts, and having an ability to be financially independent should that need arise. Surely there would be practical ways to achieve that, perhaps with some legal advice assistance where needed...

 

[EmptyArms]

Hi Konarti and welcome. Im so sorry you are in this hell right now.
As you have already seen there is alot of support and kindness to be found here. You can come here 24 hours per day to find people just like you and me. Everyone has been to their edge, for an assortment of reasons, and peered over it.
Perhaps take a little time to read some threads of new members and get a sense of the real love and support they very quickly felt. It can hold a soul through their darkest hours, and I think you are in your darkest hour my friend.
I have some experience of working with homeless people and so please trust me when I tell you that holding on to your job is probably the smartest thing you can do right now. That will be difficult because you are really struggling, and probably quite angry. Getting accommodation when you have work is much easier than getting a job when you have no accommodation. There are many agencies, especially in London, who will help with accommodation, Shelter, StMungos, Crisis and Sally Army to name but a few. Other cities have their own local charities, for example you can self refer to Julian Trust in Bristol 0117 924 4604. Sleeping rough you dont need right now, you are going through enough as it is. You deserve a bed to sleep in at night.
Remember that your children love you and need you. They really do. Try to hang in there.
With love.

 

[realjunes]

Konarti,
I just re-read your original post and wish to make a couple of observations after thinking about you overnight. First, the actions of your partner seem so precipitous given you two have been together a decade and have children. I am sure that you must have been given "reasons" for such a drastic and sudden decision by your partner, when you had to leave your home. In post #11 you said you are the type to think through the variables, the how, when, why type questions. So, while I don't think you need to give the forum the details of the conversation you had with your partner, I trust you can, under the circumstances, you can be very deliberate in this critical moment with your thinking method. Was there a reason given to you by your partner that can be addressed? Was she angry at the moment, and is her personality at odds with that behavior? Might she change her mind in 2 weeks?
I read here how SS members are trying to emphasize to you about minding to your own health and safety and preservation. These are important ideas, and I can see already you are using a fact based approach in considering these suggestions. I trust you will see all we say is well meaning and made out of pure compassion for your predicament.
In post #17 member EmptyArms made an extremely important observation in my opinion. If there is anyway possible, in this terrible and devastating time, you must strive to keep your job for the reasons stated. Everything else in your life (in anyone's life) revolves around having the money to sustain you and your children, and perhaps your partner also. (it is not clear from your post whether she can sustain the home and children without you). Going to work and keeping the job for now, with such uncontrollable emotions you feel will be the most difficult thing imaginable, but necessary while you are alive. Members here have also pointed out the importance of lodging for yourself. Next to having income, this may be the most important thing in your immediate life, as you have to have a place to be more physically comfortable than your car. You need somewhere to physically rest, while you begin, in your deliberate manner, to assess the live of your children and yourself and what can or cannot be done.
I checked your SS status and see you have achieved the 5 posts need to PM, and whenever you reach the 24 hour mark your line will be open to PM back and forth with members, if you wish to do so.
I promised I would think of you overnight, and I did, as will almost all members who read your story. Lean on us as much or a little as you like. We are strong pro-choice advocates and at the same time, we are very determined to offer suggestions, observations and comments we sincerely hope will allow you our feeble attempts to view your life objectively, and pass our thoughts to you. Best wishes to you, our new friend.

 

[konarti]

Konarti,
I just re-read your original post and wish to make a couple of observations after thinking about you overnight. First, the actions of your partner seem so precipitous given you two have been together a decade and have children. I am sure that you must have been given "reasons" for such a drastic and sudden decision by your partner, when you had to leave your home. In post #11 you said you are the type to think through the variables, the how, when, why type questions. So, while I don't think you need to give the forum the details of the conversation you had with your partner, I trust you can, under the circumstances, you can be very deliberate in this critical moment with your thinking method. Was there a reason given to you by your partner that can be addressed? Was she angry at the moment, and is her personality at odds with that behavior? Might she change her mind in 2 weeks?
I read here how SS members are trying to emphasize to you about minding to your own health and safety and preservation. These are important ideas, and I can see already you are using a fact based approach in considering these suggestions. I trust you will see all we say is well meaning and made out of pure compassion for your predicament.
In post #17 member EmptyArms made an extremely important observation in my opinion. If there is anyway possible, in this terrible and devastating time, you must strive to keep your job for the reasons stated. Everything else in your life (in anyone's life) revolves around having the money to sustain you and your children, and perhaps your partner also. (it is not clear from your post whether she can sustain the home and children without you). Going to work and keeping the job for now, with such uncontrollable emotions you feel will be the most difficult thing imaginable, but necessary while you are alive. Members here have also pointed out the importance of lodging for yourself. Next to having income, this may be the most important thing in your immediate life, as you have to have a place to be more physically comfortable than your car. You need somewhere to physically rest, while you begin, in your deliberate manner, to assess the live of your children and yourself and what can or cannot be done.
I checked your SS status and see you have achieved the 5 posts need to PM, and whenever you reach the 24 hour mark your line will be open to PM back and forth with members, if you wish to do so.
I promised I would think of you overnight, and I did, as will almost all members who read your story. Lean on us as much or a little as you like. We are strong pro-choice advocates and at the same time, we are very determined to offer suggestions, observations and comments we sincerely hope will allow you our feeble attempts to view your life objectively, and pass our thoughts to you. Best wishes to you, our new friend.

I'd rather discuss in private the full details. But I appreciate the care you showing.