justanotherhuman237
Member
- Sep 10, 2023
- 10
I just wanted to unload some stuff but at the same time I don't want to bother my friends with my problems once again. Read this is you want or don't its fine.
So first I should say that I'm adopted and I don't know much about my birth mother except that she smoked and did drugs while she was pregnant with me. i often blame her for how i turned out and wonder if i every met her, id be able to love the person who ruined my life in the first place.
When I was a lot younger, like elementary school young, I was incredibly hyper and had a good and happy life. I had a good amount of friends and was an altogether happy person throughout elementary school. When i was in middle school i started to get incredibly self conscious. i was labeled as the 'weird kid" due to being extremely hyper. I was incredibly lonely and started to become more and more depressed during my first year and only made some friends in 7th grade. By 7th grade i was an emotional reck. I was aggressive, depressed and extremally insecure. It only got worse when I had a lot of friends betray me and left me with serious trust issues by 8th grade. 8th grade went somewhat smoothly but I was still incredibly depressed and started to self harm.
Freshman year of high school was awful for me. a close friend of mine started to open up more to me about her abusive dad and instead of feeling as bad for her as I should, I was only thinking about how her problems were so much worse than mine and that I probaly wasn't actually depressed. Around that time I also was getting groomed online to an extreme extent. (keep in mind i was 14 at the time). At the same time I had really messed up fantasies like being beaten and raped. I knew they were awful things to fantasize about especially at such a young age. Sophomore year was somehow worse. I was able to get out of the grooming situation but my fucked up fantasy's got worse. I fantasized about much of the same things as the last year but a lot more extreme. I fantasized about myself getting raped, me hurting other people, myself getting hurt and a lot more. I also became jealous of others peoples traumas and for some reason just wanted to have some sort of awful trauma. In junior year my friend with the abusive dad committed suicide. I was distraught with the feelings that I could've stopped it but knew I wasn't as sad as I should be. I'd been self harming since middle school and it only became more extreme through highschool. My fucked up thoughts continued and near the end of the year I attempted suicide. I can admit that a majority of the reason I attempted was not because I wanted to die but because I wanted attention. I understood how messed up in the mind i was after that and tried to stopped caring to much. In senior year I was somehow more of a wreck than the last year. I had a mindset of wanting my fantasy's to actually happen no matter how bad they were. Aside from that I was aggressive and cold to most people. All those years I had been able to hide most of my feelings behind a fake personality of hyper and happiness but this year everyone saw how much my mental health was failing me. After highschool I decided to take a gap year before college. i stopped talking to my friends as much but then my second friend committed suicide. It was a friend I didn't even know was depressed and through my tears and sadness i hated myself for just having the same thought of how my trauma wasn't good enough and the same messed up fantasy's.
Im now in the middle of my first year of college and I'm still having the fucked up fantasy's and jealousy over trauma. I've came to a point where I cant help but think that the world is cruel so I need to be crueler. I wonder would anyone care if I died? I've never done anything except for manipulate and lie to my loved ones. I know I don't actually deserve to be on this earth for how messed up I am but at the same time I cant stop fantasizing about such messed up things. I hate myself for every scenario I've every imagined in my head, for every person I've manipulated, and every irrational jealousy I've every had. I've come to terms of a sort about how messed up I am but at the same time it hurts to continue living when I'm such a shitty human.
So first I should say that I'm adopted and I don't know much about my birth mother except that she smoked and did drugs while she was pregnant with me. i often blame her for how i turned out and wonder if i every met her, id be able to love the person who ruined my life in the first place.
When I was a lot younger, like elementary school young, I was incredibly hyper and had a good and happy life. I had a good amount of friends and was an altogether happy person throughout elementary school. When i was in middle school i started to get incredibly self conscious. i was labeled as the 'weird kid" due to being extremely hyper. I was incredibly lonely and started to become more and more depressed during my first year and only made some friends in 7th grade. By 7th grade i was an emotional reck. I was aggressive, depressed and extremally insecure. It only got worse when I had a lot of friends betray me and left me with serious trust issues by 8th grade. 8th grade went somewhat smoothly but I was still incredibly depressed and started to self harm.
Freshman year of high school was awful for me. a close friend of mine started to open up more to me about her abusive dad and instead of feeling as bad for her as I should, I was only thinking about how her problems were so much worse than mine and that I probaly wasn't actually depressed. Around that time I also was getting groomed online to an extreme extent. (keep in mind i was 14 at the time). At the same time I had really messed up fantasies like being beaten and raped. I knew they were awful things to fantasize about especially at such a young age. Sophomore year was somehow worse. I was able to get out of the grooming situation but my fucked up fantasy's got worse. I fantasized about much of the same things as the last year but a lot more extreme. I fantasized about myself getting raped, me hurting other people, myself getting hurt and a lot more. I also became jealous of others peoples traumas and for some reason just wanted to have some sort of awful trauma. In junior year my friend with the abusive dad committed suicide. I was distraught with the feelings that I could've stopped it but knew I wasn't as sad as I should be. I'd been self harming since middle school and it only became more extreme through highschool. My fucked up thoughts continued and near the end of the year I attempted suicide. I can admit that a majority of the reason I attempted was not because I wanted to die but because I wanted attention. I understood how messed up in the mind i was after that and tried to stopped caring to much. In senior year I was somehow more of a wreck than the last year. I had a mindset of wanting my fantasy's to actually happen no matter how bad they were. Aside from that I was aggressive and cold to most people. All those years I had been able to hide most of my feelings behind a fake personality of hyper and happiness but this year everyone saw how much my mental health was failing me. After highschool I decided to take a gap year before college. i stopped talking to my friends as much but then my second friend committed suicide. It was a friend I didn't even know was depressed and through my tears and sadness i hated myself for just having the same thought of how my trauma wasn't good enough and the same messed up fantasy's.
Im now in the middle of my first year of college and I'm still having the fucked up fantasy's and jealousy over trauma. I've came to a point where I cant help but think that the world is cruel so I need to be crueler. I wonder would anyone care if I died? I've never done anything except for manipulate and lie to my loved ones. I know I don't actually deserve to be on this earth for how messed up I am but at the same time I cant stop fantasizing about such messed up things. I hate myself for every scenario I've every imagined in my head, for every person I've manipulated, and every irrational jealousy I've every had. I've come to terms of a sort about how messed up I am but at the same time it hurts to continue living when I'm such a shitty human.
