I just wanted to be loved

[BlazingBob]

I was a mistake. A regret. A liability. My parents showed me nothing but hostility, disdain, neglect, and abandonment. Not once growing up did my mother tell me she loved me. Zero physical affection. She used tell me that people only liked me because I was a phony 'kiss ass' and nobody could ever like or love me because I was a rotten human being. My dad split and blamed his kids looking me right in eye saying "I left your mother because of you kids!" During his rages I never knew if I would live through it. I got zero guidance or encouragement but plenty of discouragement and a few broken bones from the constant beatings. I'm not even scratching the surface. My life has been a complete wreck and a total waste. I truly believe I'm too fucked up to ever be loved. I'm just too damaged. My heroin addict older brother feels the same and has tried to ctb twice. He's commiting suicide in installments by his drug use. He truly wants to be dead as do I. In addition to severe mental health issues I'm battling a debilitating chronic illness and will be homeless very soon. I've never been able to be a fully functioning independent adult. Can't hold a real job, never had a real relationship. The mental and physical pain are unbearable. I just want to not exist because existing is so fucking painful and lonely. The holidays are nothing but a reminder of what I'll never have. I'm damn near bedridden and will soon be on the streets but plan to ctb well before that. Sorry I'm having a really rough time. I'm being abused, humiliated, and exploited just to have a roof over my head. I get told I can't do anything right, called stupid. Maybe I've died and this is hell.