OcularFear
The only way I win is if I die.
- Jan 16, 2024
- 24
There's so much wrong with me and I have no answers, it's why I decided I wanted to CTB.
I have these 2 notebooks I use to write my mind into, their purpose were to be a place I could vent into, and so I could hopefully understand the horrors that plague my everyday life. However I've found nothing, very little consistency, no logic, no reason. Nothing makes any sense when it comes to "him"
When I refer to "him" I am really referring to the thing, entity, consciousness, whatever you want to call it, that is in my mind, looking for ways out, trying to overwrite me, and unfortunately I'm fighting a losing battle. Because of the horrible sights I see on a daily basis because of him (I think) I decided to call him Watcher, because the most common vision I get, is shadows of eyes, staring into my eyes, and I KNOW they are looking for something. My soul? What makes me tick? Is that what they want to see? Do they look to see what makes me weak? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. The only hypothesis I've come up with is that he is trying to slowly grind away at me until I give up and let him have the body that's supposed to be mine.
Unfortunately he has taken my body before, I know this not because I have any memory of it, as when he does I don't remember anything, it's like falling asleep and waking up from one scene of my life to another, like a video jump cut. I've experienced it enough to not panic when it happens, to try and continue acting normal based on context clues I pick up within the first minute or so of being back in control.
The most comman things I see are the eyes, followed by hands grabbing and trying to take my eyes out, mouths with gnashing teeth that I know are trying to nibble away into my brain through my eyes, sometimes I hear people talking outside my house and I go outside and no one's there, I hear things fall when nothing did, I hear doors close and open when no one else is around, I swear it's him fucking with me! I see shadows, outlines of people in the dark, I can barely sleep at night because when I close my eyes all I can see are walls of eyes and sometimes mouths, watching, hungering, and I know they hate me, yet I don't know why. So, trying to sleep isn't an escape, because even with my eyes closed I'm still fucked with by him, I'm still a god damn prisoner in my own damn skin in my own damn mind!!! Sometimes I just want to claw at my eyes until I can't see anymore, I want to smash my head into a brick wall until It all stops. I can't help but just having this super strange urge to laugh and laugh as loud as I can.
There's also the strange feelings I've been getting. Keep in mind this whole thing has been happening for about 3-4 years after I hit a mental breaking point which I will explain after this. But I can barely get myself to look people in their eyes, whenever I see someone looking at me, or when I look at their eyes, all I feel is anger, like I SHOULD hurt them, I get sort of visions of me, tackling them, pushing my fingers into their eyes, smashing their face, stabbing their eyes, ripping them out. These aren't things I WANT, and the fact that I for some reason see myself doing it, is scaring me.
The mental breaking point:
Sophomore year of highschool, 4 years ago;
I started dating a girl I thought was amazing, she was perfect. at least I thought she was for a few months. I let myself get too close and I gave her way too much information about myself, things I wouldn't say even to my bestest of friends. Unfortunately she used it to get her hands on better leverage. Once she had every piece she needed to put me in check mate, I was trapped. She had every thing thought out, my only modes of escape would've landed me either in a prison cell or with a tarnished name, neither of which I could fucking stand. So I spent 2 years dealing with her and had to follow her rules. I couldn't hang out with my friends, I wasn't allowed to sleep until she fell asleep which she stayed up till 5 AM as she didn't have classes until at least noon but I had to be awake at 7 AM. So I got most of my sleep in my classes, I started getting lower grades in my classes because of it and I was slowly losing it because I was running on maybe 4 to 5 hours of sleep a day. Not to mention the sex and the rp's she would demand, I don't even want to talk about those. She slept with other men and used them to try and humiliate me. She even made up a fake Instagram account and pretended he was a guy she used to know and for about a year baraded me with how much better he was than I was. I only found out he was fake because she told me just to break me further. And one night I had just about enough of it.
The first CTB attempt:
It was late at night I don't remember the exact time, but this attempt was honestly lame and pathetic. But I was so tired that I had accidentally passed out sitting on the couch with my phone on still on a call with her. I woke about 20 minutes later to her yelling at me, and well, one thing led to another and she began threatening things against me again and degrading me like she usually did when I did something she didn't like. But this time was different, as I sat there tears falling from my face onto the floor, I felt like something in my brain just snapped. I hung up the phone, and it felt like the whole world was just a tunnel, that I had one way to go, I grabbed a knife from knife block in the kitchen, and I went outside to the garage and sat on the lawnmower. At the time, I remember feeling almost euphoric, like I couldn't breathe enough oxygen and be satisfied with it, I brought the knife up about an inch away from my eye, staring directly at it, before turning it down towards my right wrist, I went to stab into it but some part of me hesitated. I had missed the artery, and the sudden pain made me throw the knife across the garage floor, I quickly gave up, and went to back inside to take care of my bleeding wrist.
That's when the problems seem to have started, as soon after that, I don't know how soon, I don't remember exactly when, but soon after, that's when I started hearing his voice, the laughing screaming yelling raging voice. And it hasn't stopped since.
I need to die, or this fucking thing is going to kill someone with MY BODY. If I don't die now, that death, will be my fault, for not stopping him before he could get the best of me.
I can't handle the thought of hurting anyone besides myself. I'd rather experience the pain of dying stretched out to 10 years of experiencing it, than let my hands ever hurt another person, than to let my hands ever take someone's life. Even if I'm not the one in control. I. Will. Not. Allow. It.
Even as I'm writing he screams in my mind like an angry demon, just waiting to get his hands on someone else's blood.
I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of fighting, tired of living everyday scared that I might kill someone or hurt someone any second of any day. I'll do anything it takes to just die. Even if it's the most painful thing anyone could ever experience. It needs to happens.
I have these 2 notebooks I use to write my mind into, their purpose were to be a place I could vent into, and so I could hopefully understand the horrors that plague my everyday life. However I've found nothing, very little consistency, no logic, no reason. Nothing makes any sense when it comes to "him"
When I refer to "him" I am really referring to the thing, entity, consciousness, whatever you want to call it, that is in my mind, looking for ways out, trying to overwrite me, and unfortunately I'm fighting a losing battle. Because of the horrible sights I see on a daily basis because of him (I think) I decided to call him Watcher, because the most common vision I get, is shadows of eyes, staring into my eyes, and I KNOW they are looking for something. My soul? What makes me tick? Is that what they want to see? Do they look to see what makes me weak? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. The only hypothesis I've come up with is that he is trying to slowly grind away at me until I give up and let him have the body that's supposed to be mine.
Unfortunately he has taken my body before, I know this not because I have any memory of it, as when he does I don't remember anything, it's like falling asleep and waking up from one scene of my life to another, like a video jump cut. I've experienced it enough to not panic when it happens, to try and continue acting normal based on context clues I pick up within the first minute or so of being back in control.
The most comman things I see are the eyes, followed by hands grabbing and trying to take my eyes out, mouths with gnashing teeth that I know are trying to nibble away into my brain through my eyes, sometimes I hear people talking outside my house and I go outside and no one's there, I hear things fall when nothing did, I hear doors close and open when no one else is around, I swear it's him fucking with me! I see shadows, outlines of people in the dark, I can barely sleep at night because when I close my eyes all I can see are walls of eyes and sometimes mouths, watching, hungering, and I know they hate me, yet I don't know why. So, trying to sleep isn't an escape, because even with my eyes closed I'm still fucked with by him, I'm still a god damn prisoner in my own damn skin in my own damn mind!!! Sometimes I just want to claw at my eyes until I can't see anymore, I want to smash my head into a brick wall until It all stops. I can't help but just having this super strange urge to laugh and laugh as loud as I can.
There's also the strange feelings I've been getting. Keep in mind this whole thing has been happening for about 3-4 years after I hit a mental breaking point which I will explain after this. But I can barely get myself to look people in their eyes, whenever I see someone looking at me, or when I look at their eyes, all I feel is anger, like I SHOULD hurt them, I get sort of visions of me, tackling them, pushing my fingers into their eyes, smashing their face, stabbing their eyes, ripping them out. These aren't things I WANT, and the fact that I for some reason see myself doing it, is scaring me.
The mental breaking point:
Sophomore year of highschool, 4 years ago;
I started dating a girl I thought was amazing, she was perfect. at least I thought she was for a few months. I let myself get too close and I gave her way too much information about myself, things I wouldn't say even to my bestest of friends. Unfortunately she used it to get her hands on better leverage. Once she had every piece she needed to put me in check mate, I was trapped. She had every thing thought out, my only modes of escape would've landed me either in a prison cell or with a tarnished name, neither of which I could fucking stand. So I spent 2 years dealing with her and had to follow her rules. I couldn't hang out with my friends, I wasn't allowed to sleep until she fell asleep which she stayed up till 5 AM as she didn't have classes until at least noon but I had to be awake at 7 AM. So I got most of my sleep in my classes, I started getting lower grades in my classes because of it and I was slowly losing it because I was running on maybe 4 to 5 hours of sleep a day. Not to mention the sex and the rp's she would demand, I don't even want to talk about those. She slept with other men and used them to try and humiliate me. She even made up a fake Instagram account and pretended he was a guy she used to know and for about a year baraded me with how much better he was than I was. I only found out he was fake because she told me just to break me further. And one night I had just about enough of it.
The first CTB attempt:
It was late at night I don't remember the exact time, but this attempt was honestly lame and pathetic. But I was so tired that I had accidentally passed out sitting on the couch with my phone on still on a call with her. I woke about 20 minutes later to her yelling at me, and well, one thing led to another and she began threatening things against me again and degrading me like she usually did when I did something she didn't like. But this time was different, as I sat there tears falling from my face onto the floor, I felt like something in my brain just snapped. I hung up the phone, and it felt like the whole world was just a tunnel, that I had one way to go, I grabbed a knife from knife block in the kitchen, and I went outside to the garage and sat on the lawnmower. At the time, I remember feeling almost euphoric, like I couldn't breathe enough oxygen and be satisfied with it, I brought the knife up about an inch away from my eye, staring directly at it, before turning it down towards my right wrist, I went to stab into it but some part of me hesitated. I had missed the artery, and the sudden pain made me throw the knife across the garage floor, I quickly gave up, and went to back inside to take care of my bleeding wrist.
That's when the problems seem to have started, as soon after that, I don't know how soon, I don't remember exactly when, but soon after, that's when I started hearing his voice, the laughing screaming yelling raging voice. And it hasn't stopped since.
I need to die, or this fucking thing is going to kill someone with MY BODY. If I don't die now, that death, will be my fault, for not stopping him before he could get the best of me.
I can't handle the thought of hurting anyone besides myself. I'd rather experience the pain of dying stretched out to 10 years of experiencing it, than let my hands ever hurt another person, than to let my hands ever take someone's life. Even if I'm not the one in control. I. Will. Not. Allow. It.
Even as I'm writing he screams in my mind like an angry demon, just waiting to get his hands on someone else's blood.
I just want everything to stop, I'm tired of fighting, tired of living everyday scared that I might kill someone or hurt someone any second of any day. I'll do anything it takes to just die. Even if it's the most painful thing anyone could ever experience. It needs to happens.
