C
carnalsanders
Member
- Feb 10, 2021
- 12
I've long lost the desire to be loved. Not emotionally, I think as a human being that primal desire to be held, protected and understood will always be there but in a realistic sense - I don't believe I am loveable. It's nothing to do with looks, I'm alright looking. I'm not a 10 or anything but I'm alright by what I gather from people (I always deduct a couple points from what people award me. People are largely pleasant if you let them)...but anyway, this post isn't about my looks - What I mean is, I know there is something about my personality that makes me impossible to be fall in love with. I've also given up trying to find out what that is because I have exhausted all possibilities and I was always wrong. Like a kid stuck on a PS1 level long before online walkthroughs were a thing. I don't know where the fucking Egyptian ankh is that opens the door to the artefact and I've walked around this level a hundred times and I just don't give a fuck anymore - fuck this game and fuck this console and just fuck it all to hell.
That's fine. Letting go of that. It was hard but I've done it. What I can't seem to let go of is my desire to fall in love with someone new and be able to love and protect them. I miss that so much. I'm terrified of it ever happening again because I honestly don't think my heart can take another heartbreak but that feeling is the best thing I ever felt and I want to feel it again before I die.
The thought of dying knowing that I belong to no one, that no romantic relation will attend my funeral because I wasn't good enough to pick someone decent or keep the good one (there was only one good one) around...It makes me feel like a failure.
And I am a failure. By my estimation anyway. And that's the only estimation I ever consider because I don't believe people when they tell me things. At least not usually. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have been loved and allowed to love more than I will ever know because I think truths are lies and lies are the status quo.
If I die and there's something on the other side and nobody on the other side to love, I will never forgive myself.
If I live and allow myself to become an old man devoid of spirit I will also never forgive myself.
That's fine. Letting go of that. It was hard but I've done it. What I can't seem to let go of is my desire to fall in love with someone new and be able to love and protect them. I miss that so much. I'm terrified of it ever happening again because I honestly don't think my heart can take another heartbreak but that feeling is the best thing I ever felt and I want to feel it again before I die.
The thought of dying knowing that I belong to no one, that no romantic relation will attend my funeral because I wasn't good enough to pick someone decent or keep the good one (there was only one good one) around...It makes me feel like a failure.
And I am a failure. By my estimation anyway. And that's the only estimation I ever consider because I don't believe people when they tell me things. At least not usually. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have been loved and allowed to love more than I will ever know because I think truths are lies and lies are the status quo.
If I die and there's something on the other side and nobody on the other side to love, I will never forgive myself.
If I live and allow myself to become an old man devoid of spirit I will also never forgive myself.