Venting I just want it to be over

[Kadaver]

I'm just so tired of this life. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me with no exceptions. I can't work because of my dysphoria, depression, and anxiety which means that I can't even support myself. I told my dad my plan to get on disability and move back to PA and he just shot holes in it in a way that wasn't gentle at all. And then he asks me why I don't tell him anything. Its like this with everything—i told him I wanted top surgery and he asked me if I was sure I wanted my chest completely gone. like I haven't thought about this extensively and like having a chest doesn't make me wish I was dead.

How do some people just live life? Go to college and get a career and just be happy? How do people work jobs consistently for over a year or two? Every time I've ever tried to do it I just get so burnt out and depressed that I start seriously considering ending it all. Why does my mind have to do this to me? Why can't I just be normal? I can't get better and I can't transition so what's the fucking point in living? Especially when the one person who makes life worth living seems to just not care about me as much as I care about him. Why is that a recurring theme in my life? Why can't I find someone who needs me as much as I need them?

 

[DrearyAsh348]

Hey Kadaver, I just want to say I hear you. Read your post and I'm real sorry you're in such pain.

It seems like you want your dad to be more supportive of your choice to get top surgery. Even if I'm not your dad, I hope that at least me saying this helps: You are so valid and your gender identity and expression is beautiful. I hope one day you are able to get that top surgery and enjoy being in your body instead of feeling dysphoria. I wish that society understood and accepted people who experience such feelings, they are very distressing.

Is there anything that helps you at work? Anything you would be ok with doing for the long-term of your career? It might be worth trying things you didn't consider before. That would be an option other than ending it all.

Take care, Kadaver. I wish you peace and love.

 

[NewPerspective]

I am sorry for everything you are going through. You may not be religious but it is not smart to rely on another human for your happiness, there is another option however. Someone who cares about you more than you could ever imagine. - Much Love

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

 

[verybabybunny]

Hey there.

I'm a 27 year old bio woman happy in that respect so our experiences are dramatically different but at the same time, they are not.

I've been depressed since I was 12. I kinda figured out the impermanence of everything and it's been nonstop since then. In my adulthood I've been in a series of severely abusive relationships. I don't have any friends.

However, I've been working since I was 14. Work makes me depressed. Even when it's a job I like. I've been a professional cheerleader, a professional dancer. Despite those both being jobs I worked for, sought after and chose...I never wanted to go to practice, or to be around anyone; I feel as though I cannot function. And my mom also bashes/does not believe in disability for mental health reasons. Only for the physically disabled.

Your post was the first I found this morning, and, I came here for this reason. I live in NYC - it's expensive. I haven't worked for a while. I'm rotting and failing. Today, I start a job as a children's swim coach. Again, this was a job I sought after, it pays well, I wanted it. I don't know how to make myself go. I wish I could kill myself before I have to go, before I have to meet anyone there, before they're added to my life, before there's weight around leaving.

If I leave before I start nobody knows what I did but me. If I start teaching a bunch of kids and I leave, everybody will know somethings wrong with me. I don't feel mentally capable of taking the subway to get there, of teaching kids, of doing anything other than laying in bed and crying.

 

[Kadaver]

Hey Kadaver, I just want to say I hear you. Read your post and I'm real sorry you're in such pain.

It seems like you want your dad to be more supportive of your choice to get top surgery. Even if I'm not your dad, I hope that at least me saying this helps: You are so valid and your gender identity and expression is beautiful. I hope one day you are able to get that top surgery and enjoy being in your body instead of feeling dysphoria. I wish that society understood and accepted people who experience such feelings, they are very distressing.

Is there anything that helps you at work? Anything you would be ok with doing for the long-term of your career? It might be worth trying things you didn't consider before. That would be an option other than ending it all.

Take care, Kadaver. I wish you peace and love.

I don't have a job rn due to my mental health but usually I just have to kinda force myself to grin and bear it until I can't anymore. I'm also a high school dropout so the amount of places willing to hire me when I do attempt to work again are slim—all I can hope for is some shitty job in retail or food service.

I am sorry for everything you are going through. You may not be religious but it is not smart to rely on another human for your happiness, there is another option however. Someone who cares about you more than you could ever imagine. - Much Love

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

I do not believe in god and I don't think my mind will be changing anytime soon, I'm sorry. I was raised Christian and I remember begging god every night before I fell asleep to help me when I was a child. I remember hoping and praying that I would die before I turned 13 so that way I wouldn't go to hell (id heard that after 13 you were "liable" for your actions? Don't really know where that came from), I remember trying to "pray the gay away" after I got sent to a Christian school because my dad told me I would burn in hell for being queer. And throughout it all I still prayed for god to help me and he never did.

If god is real he's not a god I wish to worship.

Hey there.

I'm a 27 year old bio woman happy in that respect so our experiences are dramatically different but at the same time, they are not.

I've been depressed since I was 12. I kinda figured out the impermanence of everything and it's been nonstop since then. In my adulthood I've been in a series of severely abusive relationships. I don't have any friends.

However, I've been working since I was 14. Work makes me depressed. Even when it's a job I like. I've been a professional cheerleader, a professional dancer. Despite those both being jobs I worked for, sought after and chose...I never wanted to go to practice, or to be around anyone; I feel as though I cannot function. And my mom also bashes/does not believe in disability for mental health reasons. Only for the physically disabled.

Your post was the first I found this morning, and, I came here for this reason. I live in NYC - it's expensive. I haven't worked for a while. I'm rotting and failing. Today, I start a job as a children's swim coach. Again, this was a job I sought after, it pays well, I wanted it. I don't know how to make myself go. I wish I could kill myself before I have to go, before I have to meet anyone there, before they're added to my life, before there's weight around leaving.

If I leave before I start nobody knows what I did but me. If I start teaching a bunch of kids and I leave, everybody will know somethings wrong with me. I don't feel mentally capable of taking the subway to get there, of teaching kids, of doing anything other than laying in bed and crying.

I feel that. I've been depressed for a long long time too, though I can't remember exactly when it started.

I'm sorry that working is hard for you too. I wish that it wasn't such a necessity. I feel like if I was born to work is life even worth living?

I used to live not far from NYC! I lived in PA. And god I really hear you on the wanting to kill yourself so that way you wont have to go. Every time I've had a job I felt the same. Either that or wishing something would happen to be that rendered me dead or unable to work—car crash, having a fatal slip in the shower, or really anything to avoid going. I also feel like all I can do is lay in bed and cry. Sometimes I think about those moments were things borderline perfect and I just cry because my heart aches to go back. I remember having so many moments in between those happy times where I had anxiety attacks because I knew one day I would be looking back on those memories and that would mean that they were gone. Now here I am doing the very thing I feared

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm just so tired of this life. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me with no exceptions. I can't work because of my dysphoria, depression, and anxiety which means that I can't even support myself. I told my dad my plan to get on disability and move back to PA and he just shot holes in it in a way that wasn't gentle at all. And then he asks me why I don't tell him anything. Its like this with everything—i told him I wanted top surgery and he asked me if I was sure I wanted my chest completely gone. like I haven't thought about this extensively and like having a chest doesn't make me wish I was dead.

How do some people just live life? Go to college and get a career and just be happy? How do people work jobs consistently for over a year or two? Every time I've ever tried to do it I just get so burnt out and depressed that I start seriously considering ending it all. Why does my mind have to do this to me? Why can't I just be normal? I can't get better and I can't transition so what's the fucking point in living? Especially when the one person who makes life worth living seems to just not care about me as much as I care about him. Why is that a recurring theme in my life? Why can't I find someone who needs me as much as I need them?

That sounds really hard, especially since the one figure who you feel you should be able to rely on for support, your dad, isn't supportive at all. I used to be the same, though I feel I've overcome it now but I could be wrong since I've only had a summer job, but I used to be the same with work. Every day I had to work, I was dreading it. I was dreading the next day of work immediately after getting off of work. What kind of holes has he shot in your plan to get disability? I know it's not very easy, at least looking at my family who have tried to get it, though this is anecdotal and I've never attempted it because I've always felt able to work, though I hate it.

About people going to college, getting jobs, and being happy, I feel like that's a minority rather than a majority. I'm currently attending to college just to get a decent paying job after graduation in the comp. sci. field, but I am far from happy doing it, else why would I be here. Some people only work because they would be homeless or in very bad situations (stuck with abusive parents) if they didn't, so even the suffering of a job seems easy. Personally, I just did the summer job for a little bit of extra pocket change and the fact that I hate sitting around with nothing to do for months, so I applied to a couple places passively searching.

I also desire to be normal. I'm not transgender so I can't empathize, but I can certainly sympathize with your situation. Life is rough, and all we can do is push through or give up.