I just want a life that's worth living. How do you that?

[Shadowrider]

I am very ambivalent and I know it's not a good thing.
Recently, I have recognized I mustn't CTB - not because of myself, but because of the few people who still care. I know a lifetime is not enough to recover from suicide bereavement.
But, I also recognized I cannot just be "selfless" enough to stay alive - while feeling guilty for being still around, despite being such a worthless, useless POS.
I understand I should develop a certain level of "healthy selfishness".
Wanting to recover from despair and suicidal thoughts b/c of me, not only "because others will be sad for a while".
Actually recovering - instead of just existing and not living, being a pro at hiding how hopeless and sad I am, pretending everything is alright while my life is meaningless.

I know one needs motivation and something - or more things - to look forward to. I see that sitting in the middle of despair, feeling miserable all the time, having no future and seeing no future - while being ashamed of who I have become - does not give any improvement.

I hope this did not sound any shiny-happy or pro-life type toxic positivity!

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I have some ideas. Lowering expectations is the biggest one. If you can go from "I want to find someone similar enough to me to spend the rest of my life with." to "I hope to only experience the feeling of being gutted and having the crater filled with ice whilst crying and having my breathing interrupted and losing four hours of sleep once per week." you're all-set.

 

[Spiral]

There is a way of thought that May help you to overcome those feelings. It's called Taoism. I listen to its teachings sometimes when I am feeling a lot of self hate and it helps me to unburden myself a bit. I don't know if it's something you would like and I hope it doesn't seem too pro-life, to me it just feels like a helpful way to think for recovery without pressuring yourself to be any way or feel any way in particular.


My phone is being annoying so I'm not sure if the link will work but if not, just look up Taoism be like water. I'm not saying all of it is useful but I just kinda take what I want from it and leave the rest. I hope it will bring you a little bit of inner peace *hugs*

 

[Sherri]

Sorry about your pain, I also have my struggles, what I do is taking each day like a new day, most of days are Okish, others not so much. But since you are on the recovery page, seems like you wanna give a life a go. Have you look into professional help, help sometimes. Sometimes you have to see a]different doctors till you find that one that gets it right with you. Depression is a disease but there are medicines that help cope a little better with it. I also came to this page to Ctb, instead found support for my lovely members and I'm still here and doing much better, if you ever feel like PM me please feel free to do so, you are not alone, hugs sweetie.

 

[Spiral]

Oops that was not actually the one with the useful info, my bad, my memory is terrible. it's this one. The art of not trying that I found useful.

 

[Shadowrider]

Let me say a big Thank You for everyone who took the effort to respond!
Sorry for having not reacted in the last two days - I was too exhausted and sleepless to be able to formulate any sensible forum post.

@GenesAndEnvironment I appreciate your irony. I would often have the very same sense of sarcastic humour. Lowering one's expectations - oh yeah, cleaning the toilets or the morgue, or being a crematory operator is too much of a high-status occupation. I know I should be more humble than that.

@Spiral many thanks for the YT links! You see, I have always had a thing for Asian views on life and ev'rything. I used to read a lot about the original Theravada Buddhism, also Zen/Chan/Son/Vajrayana Buddhism. Very good food for thought and very good attitudes.
But I have never had the motivation to dwell into Taoism before, so thank you for raising my interests! Maybe we should open a thread about Taoist things, as soon as I get at least basically educated! :)

@Sherri I really appreciate that you care. Seriously. Thank you so much.
And, so good to see that you had intentions to do the deed but you decided to change your mind! This _is_ inspiring. Thank you.

 

[Spiral]

@Spiral many thanks for the YT links! You see, I have always had a thing for Asian views on life and ev'rything. I used to read a lot about the original Theravada Buddhism, also Zen/Chan/Son/Vajrayana Buddhism. Very good food for thought and very good attitudes.
But I have never had the motivation to dwell into Taoism before, so thank you for raising my interests! Maybe we should open a thread about Taoist things, as soon as I get at least basically educated

So glad you liked the Taoist videos :) yes I have to agree the Asian religions are so appealing, I just find them so peaceful and enlightening. I would love to set up a Taoist thread with you xD I don't have a very deep understanding of it, I only dabble but what I have found so far definitely makes me want to learn more. Since watching "the art of not trying" I have been trying to come up with ideas of how I could make that work in modern life but so far I can only think to run off and live in the woods lol. We Need to cultivate some inner peace and stop pressuring ourselves to run the gauntlet of modern life :)

 

[Sapphodivine]

Yes life sucks you in and spits you out, its so complex. Just the effort of living and paying bills...

There is a way of thought that May help you to overcome those feelings. It's called Taoism. I listen to its teachings sometimes when I am feeling a lot of self hate and it helps me to unburden myself a bit. I don't know if it's something you would like and I hope it doesn't seem too pro-life, to me it just feels like a helpful way to think for recovery without pressuring yourself to be any way or feel any way in particular.


My phone is being annoying so I'm not sure if the link will work but if not, just look up Taoism be like water. I'm not saying all of it is useful but I just kinda take what I want from it and leave the rest. I hope it will bring you a little bit of inner peace *hugs*

Thank you for the two taoist links.