Sakura.
Nienawidzę siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 95
There is a girl I like, and would really like to have contact with and be friends with.
Due to my severe autism and being a dysfunctional handicapped retard, I obviously have no such possibility...
The only possibility of my contact with her is when she asks for some help in the student group on Messenger.
Only then do I have the opportunity to write to her and help her...
***
I always dream about it all the time...
I always check if she has written something on the group and I always dream of helping her in this way...
***
However, in the last 6 months since I "met" her, she has only asked for such help 3 or 4 times. And only once of which I had the possibility to help her...
Even though it was something extremally small and of course actually meant nothing...
...this one possibility and helping her and receiving thanks from her meant everything to me...
***
A moment ago I actually predicted that for some reason she may ask for help in the student group in just a moment, and I really dreamed and hoped that she actually would do so...
...
And she did.
***
...
But because she wrote her question not entirely precisely, and it took me just a few seconds too long to understand it...
...someone else helped her...
***
Someone else helped her...
She received help from someone else...
She thanked someone else... With a heart emoticon...
***
Thank you Sakura
...
Even though it of course actually would mean nothing...
...I would give anything just to help her...
To make her feel that I helped her and to receive such a message from her...
This was my only chance to have any, even the smallest one, contact with her again...
***
For the first time in a long time I self-harmed my hand due to all of it...
Only with a rubber band, unfortunately.
It didn't help.
So I hurt my other hand, which I almost never self-harmed before...
It didn't help.
So I started punching my stomach as hard as I could.
It didn't help...
***
I'm so done with being a retarded, dysfunctional autistic...
I'm extremely resentful and extremely angry at myself...
***
Due to my severe autism and being a dysfunctional handicapped retard, I obviously have no such possibility...
The only possibility of my contact with her is when she asks for some help in the student group on Messenger.
Only then do I have the opportunity to write to her and help her...
***
I always dream about it all the time...
I always check if she has written something on the group and I always dream of helping her in this way...
***
However, in the last 6 months since I "met" her, she has only asked for such help 3 or 4 times. And only once of which I had the possibility to help her...
Even though it was something extremally small and of course actually meant nothing...
...this one possibility and helping her and receiving thanks from her meant everything to me...
***
A moment ago I actually predicted that for some reason she may ask for help in the student group in just a moment, and I really dreamed and hoped that she actually would do so...
...
And she did.
***
...
But because she wrote her question not entirely precisely, and it took me just a few seconds too long to understand it...
...someone else helped her...
***
Someone else helped her...
She received help from someone else...
She thanked someone else... With a heart emoticon...
***
Thank you Sakura
...
Even though it of course actually would mean nothing...
...I would give anything just to help her...
To make her feel that I helped her and to receive such a message from her...
This was my only chance to have any, even the smallest one, contact with her again...
***
For the first time in a long time I self-harmed my hand due to all of it...
Only with a rubber band, unfortunately.
It didn't help.
So I hurt my other hand, which I almost never self-harmed before...
It didn't help.
So I started punching my stomach as hard as I could.
It didn't help...
***
I'm so done with being a retarded, dysfunctional autistic...
I'm extremely resentful and extremely angry at myself...
***
I am fully aware that the behavior and feelings described are a severe disorder and that I should not feel this way...
I would just like to point out that this disorder is much more complex and has a more rational basis than such a general and short post could possibly suggest...
I will write a more complex post in the future explaining the basis and how it works, and until then please refrain from judging me...
***
I would also like to point out that this disorder fortunately does not have any negative consequences for any other people involved, like this girl.
I do not let them feel my disorder in any way, I do not enter into any contact with them (especially not one they do not want) and I certainly do not take any action that would be negative for them (let alone abuse or harassment).
I am the only person who suffers from this attitude...
I would just like to point out that this disorder is much more complex and has a more rational basis than such a general and short post could possibly suggest...
I will write a more complex post in the future explaining the basis and how it works, and until then please refrain from judging me...
***
I would also like to point out that this disorder fortunately does not have any negative consequences for any other people involved, like this girl.
I do not let them feel my disorder in any way, I do not enter into any contact with them (especially not one they do not want) and I certainly do not take any action that would be negative for them (let alone abuse or harassment).
I am the only person who suffers from this attitude...
