Discussion I just joined this forum and feel lucky to have found it

[nonialabaster]

I lost my husband of 25 years/partner for 27. My life is meaningless without him. He kept me going, through the worst of my depression, anxiety, family-abandonment and all the rest. He made me dig to find something worthwhile about myself. He died, pretty suddenly, in April, after a "Surprise!" diagnosis of renal cancer, which metastasized to his brain. He was dead within days. I've done the best I can do, run through most of my money and am now kicking myself for not doing something sooner. Meaning, buying a shotgun and learning how to use it. We were very insular and didn't want friends. We were each others best friends, even when we weren't.
Now my dad, who has turned into a Q-Anon nightmare, and my narcissist daughter (not my husband's-I was married before) have decided that my grief is too much and have cut me out of their lives. Not that I cared much about them in the first place.
TL/DR: I don't care who finds me or who finds out about me CTB. I don't even care about traumatizing a cleanup worker who comes in to find me. People have let me down my whole life and I just really don't care about any of them anymore.

 

[sincerelysad]

oh my god. im so sorry. im really glad you found this forum as well because most of us here are extremely kind, understanding, and supportive.
this breaks my heart that you've gone through this. i wish there were any words of solace to offer other than im sorry and i hear you.
you have a place here. we will always listen.

 

[ksp]

i'm so sorry for your tremendous loss..
i'm sure your suffering is indescribable, but most people here can relate to your pain

 

[NoHorizon]

I'm so sorry for what has happened. I can't begin to imagine how awful and life-changing that must be. Welcome, I hope the forums can be helpful for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be painful and hard to deal with what you are going through, the truth is that this life is undeniably so cruel. It's really understandable not caring about others anymore when they have caused you to suffer and just made your existence worse. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[outrider567]

I lost my husband of 25 years/partner for 27. My life is meaningless without him. He kept me going, through the worst of my depression, anxiety, family-abandonment and all the rest. He made me dig to find something worthwhile about myself. He died, pretty suddenly, in April, after a "Surprise!" diagnosis of renal cancer, which metastasized to his brain. He was dead within days. I've done the best I can do, run through most of my money and am now kicking myself for not doing something sooner. Meaning, buying a shotgun and learning how to use it. We were very insular and didn't want friends. We were each others best friends, even when we weren't.
Now my dad, who has turned into a Q-Anon nightmare, and my narcissist daughter (not my husband's-I was married before) have decided that my grief is too much and have cut me out of their lives. Not that I cared much about them in the first place.
TL/DR: I don't care who finds me or who finds out about me CTB. I don't even care about traumatizing a cleanup worker who comes in to find me. People have let me down my whole life and I just really don't care about any of them anymore.

Yes, my lifelong partner girlfriend also died, a year ago, after just 4 days in the hospital--Immediately I too found that my life suddenly became meaningless, which is why I'm here, and been here for a long time now

 

[CTB Dream]

Welcome very sorry happne know how lose cause much suffer, life awful concept full lose suffer v,very sorry happen this life cruelty

 

[nonialabaster]

oh my god. im so sorry. im really glad you found this forum as well because most of us here are extremely kind, understanding, and supportive.
this breaks my heart that you've gone through this. i wish there were any words of solace to offer other than im sorry and i hear you.
you have a place here. we will always listen.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I might be a little blabby the next few days, as I've told my contacts (not family) that calling for a welfare check is not the best way to help me. Ending up in the psych-ward of a public hospital is not the best thing. On a better note, I did manage to learn a proper slipknot. Using a bathrobe sash. So, progress?

oh my god. im so sorry. im really glad you found this forum as well because most of us here are extremely kind, understanding, and supportive.
this breaks my heart that you've gone through this. i wish there were any words of solace to offer other than im sorry and i hear you.
you have a place here. we will always listen.

A good thing I was able to do for him was getting him home with hospice in his last two days. I was a warrior and threw myself over him in the ER, demanding a social worker set up hospice "This Minute! The only thing I care about is in this bed, dying! Will you help us, or will you not?" She said, "Yes, Ma'am. Hospice will be here within the hour." This was on Easter. The hospice nurse was there within the hour, and he had his drugs soon after. Sorry to share so much. I'm just glad to find community. Though, it seems many of you are way younger than I am.
Just called my husband's cousin, who called me every day after my husband died. Said I was sorry to ask him for a couple hundred bucks. Called back, with all kinds of excuses about how he couldn't spare it, if I'd only asked when Mark had just died. But, now, kids going to college, and the whole family moving. So, no, absolutely, no person in my life gives a shit about me. Why should I care who cleans up my body. People are assholes. I'm 53. Prove me wrong and I'll tell you that I'm always right about people. Jesus Christ. I just don't understand why this world is so harsh, and I don't see it getting better, in the time I have.

 

[nonialabaster]

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I might be a little blabby the next few days, as I've told my contacts (not family) that calling for a welfare check is not the best way to help me. Ending up in the psych-ward of a public hospital is not the best thing. On a better note, I did manage to learn a proper slipknot. Using a bathrobe sash. So, progress?

A good thing I was able to do for him was getting him home with hospice in his last two days. I was a warrior and threw myself over him in the ER, demanding a social worker set up hospice "This Minute! The only thing I care about is in this bed, dying! Will you help us, or will you not?" She said, "Yes, Ma'am. Hospice will be here within the hour." This was on Easter. The hospice nurse was there within the hour, and he had his drugs soon after. Sorry to share so much. I'm just glad to find community. Though, it seems many of you are way younger than I am.
Just called my husband's cousin, who called me every day after my husband died. Said I was sorry to ask him for a couple hundred bucks. Called back, with all kinds of excuses about how he couldn't spare it, if I'd only asked when Mark had just died. But, now, kids going to college, and the whole family moving. So, no, absolutely, no person in my life gives a shit about me. Why should I care who cleans up my body. People are assholes. I'm 53. Prove me wrong and I'll tell you that I'm always right about people. Jesus Christ. I just don't understand why this world is so harsh, and I don't see it getting better, in the time I have.

Just need to take my sweet kitty to a shelter. She is a semi-feral that I took in, in the awful heat of a Texas Summer, after she'd lived on our territory for 8 years. Two years to socialize her, another for her to become my protector (when I put laundry on the line). She's in the parlor, and I can't imagine her watching me do this, much less, being alone with my body, waiting for the landlord to come. Sorry to keep posting, but I just cannot believe that people are so heartless! Who am I kidding? People are heartless; That's why I'm doing this. I drank an entire bottle of Mark's liquid Morphine a few days after I brought his ashes home. It did nothing but make me me groggy for a couple of days. Really pissed me off.