I just joined - Need help!

[Titin]

Hi everyone, I 46 and was diagnosed with a muscle wasting disease 10 years ago......the disease started wasting away my leg muscles first, then move to my arms, then my core muscles and also my breathing muscles. The disease has practically made me bed bound and I’m in pain which I get medication from the doctors for. I’m on a ventilator most of the day and all of the night.

I’m happily married to my beautiful wife and have been for 25 years and we have 5 beautiful children.
It hurts my heart that my wife and children have had to watch my decline from a strong husband and Dad to a weak person in pain, who can barely move.

I’m at a stage now where I can just about still do things for myself but I’m quickly losing the strength in my hands and started to struggle to hold things and open pill packets etc. I don’t want to go on suffering like this and I don’t want my family to watch me only get worse and worse and be more of a burden on them.

I go to sleep every night praying I don’t wake up and for it to be over.....I didn’t want to get to a position where I have to kill myself as I’d much rather die naturally but I’m scared that might take too long and cause much more suffering on everybody and at this point I fear living much longer far more than I fear dying.

Ive never looked into suicide before and don’t know what I’d need to do it. I obviously want it to be as peaceful and pain free as possible! I’m not going to do it at home because I don’t want my family to be the ones that find me, the only chance I can get to do it is in hospital when I go for my overnight ventilator review.

I have some medication saved up but have no idea how much I’d need?
I have pregabalin 100mg capsules, Tramadol 50mg capsules and I also have some Oramorph 100ml bottles.

Please can anybody let me know if these would work and in what quantities? And how long it might take? I think the nurse checks on you every 4 hrs or so at night so would that be long enough to do it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Gnip]

Is there any chance you can turn to Dignitas like 300 other British citizens have? You appear to meet all their criteria.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dignitas_(Swiss_non-profit_organisation)#'Suicide_tourism'

 

[KleinerWolf]

Sorry to hear you are suffering from this health decline.

I'm not sure if you are in a position to travel to a state/country where assisted anaesthesia is legal,
but I think that will be the most natural way to exit other than dying from a disease or old age.

I know it might still be hard for family members and that they still have to agree with the end of life choice,
but if it's absolute necessary to avoid the physical pain, assuming it's excruciating,
if it's something people talk about with their family, then it could potentially be an option to alleviate the physical suffering.

 

[Titin]

Is there any chance you can turn to Dignitas like 300 other British citizens have? You appear to meet all their criteria.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dignitas_(Swiss_non-profit_organisation)#'Suicide_tourism'

I believe it costs around £8000 and we couldn’t afford anywhere near to that. Also my family doesn’t know what I’m going to do.....I spoke to my wife previously about wanting to end it early but she became distraught and really depressed to a point where I had to say it was no longer something I would do just to calm everything back down, there is no way they’d want me to go to dignitas

We’ve been living in denial really as a family and just managing day to day and not looking at the big picture....My wife wants me to keep living and gets depressed if I say I’m getting worse, so I had to stop telling her how much worse it was getting.....but it’s now at a point that if I don’t do it soon I won’t have the ability to do it myself shortly. My wife wants me to live and secretly I cry myself to sleep at night praying I don’t wake up because I just want it to end

 

[KleinerWolf]

I believe it costs around £8000 and we couldn’t afford anywhere near to that. Also my family doesn’t know what I’m going to do.....I spoke to my wife previously about wanting to end it early but she became distraught and really depressed to a point where I had to say it was no longer something I would do just to calm everything back down, there is no way they’d want me to go to dignitas

We’ve been living in denial really as a family and just managing day to day and not looking at the big picture....My wife wants me to keep living and gets depressed if I say I’m getting worse, so I had to stop telling her how much worse it was getting.....but it’s now at a point that if I don’t do it soon I won’t have the ability to do it myself shortly. My wife wants me to live and secretly I cry myself to sleep at night praying I don’t wake up because I just want it to end

that sounds so tough on you man. I'm so sorry.
I know your partner means well, and that it's probably hard for her as well.

You are welcome to take a look at the method thread if you want to have a backup option in case it exceeds your pain tolerance threshold in the future.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

If you have question whether something is peaceful or regarding something specific you can ask a question in the "suicide discussion" section

I wish you the best.
Whether you decide to exit or stay.

 

[Gnip]

I believe it costs around £8000 and we couldn’t afford anywhere near to that. Also my family doesn’t know what I’m going to do.....I spoke to my wife previously about wanting to end it early but she became distraught and really depressed to a point where I had to say it was no longer something I would do just to calm everything back down, there is no way they’d want me to go to Dignitas

We’ve been living in denial really as a family and just managing day to day and not looking at the big picture....My wife wants me to keep living and gets depressed if I say I’m getting worse, so I had to stop telling her how much worse it was getting.....but it’s now at a point that if I don’t do it soon I won’t have the ability to do it myself shortly. My wife wants me to live and secretly I cry myself to sleep at night praying I don’t wake up because I just want it to end

They have been known to waive costs in certain cases of hardship, and according to the link I offered, the cost is supposed to be closer to £5,180. However, as distraught as your wife is, if your breathing muscles are shutting down, then your family might be consigning you to death by slowly drowning, which to my way of thought is incredibly selfish and cruel of them. Many of us don't even allow our beloved dogs and cats die that kind of death before we take them to a veterinarian to be put to sleep.

Concerning Dignitas, time may be running out for you to be able to avail yourself of their services from what you are describing. You said your wife and family are living in denial. Does it do them any favours for you to not make them face the reality of their future? Do they not need to prepare for what is to come? Will it be better for them if you do not wake up as you pray you will not, and they are confronted with a truth that is abrupt to them?

You seem to understand what the big picture is. Has a physician of yours told you wife and family that you are about to get better and be cured? Of have they been told what you describe as the truth of your situation?

Are delusions and lies, followed by an uncontrollable ending the greatest kindness? Of is it better to brace and fortify them for the inevitable.

Most of us can be killed at any time by a car, bus or some stupid accident. This isn't that. Perhaps this is an opportunity to prepare them to move forward in a way they might otherwise have difficulty doing.

Being a strong husband and Dad instead of a weak one still may remain a choice for you. Maybe by taking command of this final situation, you can remind them that being a strong husband and Dad never changed, and leave them with that final reminder of who you always have been, a man.

 

[Titin]

Thank you for all the replies everyone x

I’ll look into dignitas some more, though I just wish it was in the UK not in Switzerland......if I went that way then obviously my wife would want to be there and then my 5 children would probably then want to be there and costs are going to start spiralling out of control, then god knows how much it will be to fly my body back to the UK and then there’s funeral costs......

Funeral costs alone are going to be quite expensive, so with all the other costs on top with them going to Switzerland etc I don’t want them having to pay money out that we can’t afford when I can get the same results with just doing it myself and then there’s only funeral cost to pay that way. I don’t know.....my head is spinning, I just wanted to keep it simple and quick without anybody knowing it was going to happen.

 

[Caspers]

Can I suggest you get a do not resuscitate form? It is often referred as DNR on this form. A DNR is when the medics have a legal obligation to not resuscitate you. This is sometimes ignored with suicide attempts as the suicide could be on impulse, an assassination etc, but I would assume it would be honoured in a hospital setting. I believe you need to ask your doctor for one, and have them sign it. I wish you the best of luck whichever path you choose

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you for all the replies everyone x

I’ll look into dignitas some more, though I just wish it was in the UK not in Switzerland......if I went that way then obviously my wife would want to be there and then my 5 children would probably then want to be there and costs are going to start spiralling out of control, then god knows how much it will be to fly my body back to the UK and then there’s funeral costs......

Funeral costs alone are going to be quite expensive, so with all the other costs on top with them going to Switzerland etc I don’t want them having to pay money out that we can’t afford when I can get the same results with just doing it myself and then there’s only funeral cost to pay that way. I don’t know.....my head is spinning, I just wanted to keep it simple and quick without anybody knowing it was going to happen.

If you can help them get out of denial and get on board with ending your suffering, as well as preventing the suffering they'll go through as you deteriorate, then there are far more affordable ways and they can be present for that at home. I would mention methods but that's crossing the line, you can look at the resource compilation and also just look at threads, there are obvious solutions that are far more affordable than going to Switzerland for assisted euthanasia, the main benefit of which would be that someone else would be responsible for the setting, arranging the means, and calling emergency services, as well as providing a sense of overall support for everyone in the setting of your exit. Maybe there is a close friend you can trust who could take on such a supportive role if your wife doesn't have the strength and fortitude?

 

[Sherri]

I’m so sorry for what you enduring Tintin. I agree with the Dignitas post. Hope you are able to do it and that your family understands most of all. I’m not gonna lie and say I can imagine what you going through cause I can’t. But wishing you the best of luck and you don’t suffer eases Somehow. A big hug you sure deserve one. Thinking of you

 

[Spitfire]

This sounds like a scary situation for you and your family.

I have some medication saved up but have no idea how much I’d need?
I have pregabalin 100mg capsules, Tramadol 50mg capsules and I also have some Oramorph 100ml bottles.

Please can anybody let me know if these would work and in what quantities? And how long it might take? I think the nurse checks on you every 4 hrs or so at night so would that be long enough to do it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Doing this sounds like a really bad idea. Especially as a monitored patient in the hospital. Oral medications are generally considered to be unreliable, and many hours could pass by... I think extreme nausea and vomiting, and maybe seizures are going to be the likely results.

The consequences of doing something like this would probably also have an extremely negative effect on the hospital staff. You could be destroying the lives and livelihood of several other people along the way.

We’ve been living in denial really as a family and just managing day to day and not looking at the big picture....My wife wants me to keep living and gets depressed if I say I’m getting worse, so I had to stop telling her how much worse it was getting.....but it’s now at a point that if I don’t do it soon I won’t have the ability to do it myself shortly. My wife wants me to live and secretly I cry myself to sleep at night praying I don’t wake up because I just want it to end

Do you have a medical power of attorney?

 

[whywere]

1st) WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!!! I am so happy that you joined all the great global family members here! We all help and look after one another and have all the love, caring, empathy, kindness and support to offer each other! I hope you find Sanctioned Suicide as helpful to you as it has been for me! 2nd) My heart broke in a million pices when I read your post. We are all here for YOU and I hope we can be of help. I do not know much about drugs so I can not give you any advice on it, sorry. I know what a asprin is when I see it stamped on the tablet! All my love and caring goes out to you!! Again, WELCOME!!!!

 

[Ghost2211]

That’s an awful position for you and your to have to endure. I honestly think you need to have a serious heart to heart with your wife about what you’re enduring, and what your future looks like. I do empathize with her, but she really needs to come to terms with this and help you explore option to end your suffering. Part of loving someone is knowing when it’s time to put them first and let them go. Looking into euthanasia sounds like a good suggestion, and they may help with the finances.

 

[AutoTap]

Might be worth checking an euthanasia organization. Also overdosed can be painful and unreliable so I’d stay away from that.

 

[Gnip]

Thank you for all the replies everyone x

I’ll look into Dignitas some more, though I just wish it was in the UK not in Switzerland...…if I went that way then obviously my wife would want to be there and then my 5 children would probably then want to be there and costs are going to start spiraling out of control, then god knows how much it will be to fly my body back to the UK and then there’s funeral costs...…

Funeral costs alone are going to be quite expensive, so with all the other costs on top with them going to Switzerland etc. I don’t want them having to pay money out that we can’t afford when I can get the same results with just doing it myself and then there’s only funeral cost to pay that way. I don’t know.....my head is spinning, I just wanted to keep it simple and quick without anybody knowing it was going to happen.

I think the cost angle is a major factor in inducing them to face the future. From what you have described, you appear to be a virtually perfect Dignitas hardship case, but maybe not if your wife and children can also be there. What I am suggesting is the point that perhaps it needs to be demonstrated that the costs must be kept down to a minimum so your family retains a financial foundation to survive with and build on into the future.

Dignitas and how they operate and determine who to assist is something that has not been on my radar living in the United States (although my sister's best friend and her husband are currently living abroad in Geneva where his job has taken them).

Your head should be spinning. The matter has to do with how quickly you can clear it and make a solid commanding decision. Meanwhile, contacting Dignitas as soon as possible should not require you to make any instant commitment, but simply bring your situation to their attention right away and learn the facts of their practice as it relates to your case while you would still be physically able to perform the actual physical act they require yourself to be able to do with your own hands while those hands are still working for you.

Unfortunately, while it would be nice to live in the past through a time and age regression machine for many of us, the reality is that most of us need to face up to the reality of the actual present and future.

Legendary Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the classic "On Death and Dying: What the dying need to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families" in 1969. (It hardly should be a coincidence that Kubler-Ross and Ludwig Minelli, the lawyer who founded Dignitas, both went to the University of Zurich.) In "On Death and Dying," Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

From what you are describing, you need to fast track your family past the first stage of denial to the fifth stage of acceptance you have already arrived at, and push them to that realization rather quickly. (In 2020 this is hardly unknown with the Coronavirus pandemic having rapidly gotten people onto ventilators before dying in short order.)

 

[Tired of existing]

Depends on how much you want your family to be involved in your death and where you live.

Medication of any sort usually doesn't work and if it does it is quite a bad death full of agony.
There are of course peacefull ctb ingrediants to ingest like N and SN.
There are big Megathreads here on these proven ways to leave this world.
But that requires planing to aquire these substances and your success depends on in which country you live.

More important in my humble opinion should be your consideration for your family.
If you don't want them to suffer more than they have to, I would aim for an "accident".
If you can drive a car, well there are all sorts of lethal car accidents.
If you can go hiking, people slip to death all the time.
Easyer said than done, there are threads her how to train yourself to beat down your SI (survival instinct),
It's not for everyone.

If you trust your wife you should talk to her about this sereous issue.
Provided she would support you in your endevour or at least doesn't call the authorities.
The most peacefull ways for CTB are the substances N and SN.

But if you have enough time and money you can appy to assisted suicide services in switzerland like Dignitas-
They are all in for the money, your money, they will bassicially give you N legally and charge you a BIG fee to die in their estate in Switzerland.
That would be the "legal" way out.

 

[Titin]

Again thank you all for your replies x

You’ve all given me a lot to think about and tbh I’m really devastated to hear that the medication I had been saving is not going to work.....I honestly thought it was going to be a sure thing but just needed to find out the minimum dose than go has far above that as I could save up.

It’s going to be hard for me to get these other drugs N or SN as I don’t collect my own mail, my wife opens all my mail for me. Though I could say something like a package I’m expecting is a present and needs bringing to me unopened. My head is spinning again.....I feel like I’m trapped now with no means of escape and that terrifies me. I’ve got a million things going through my head I thought maybe I could get my daughter to watch for the mail for me to bring me the parcel so my wife doesn’t open it.....but what if she found out that she was the one who brought me the means to kill myself, it would destroy her knowing that, i just wanted to do it myself without putting any burden or anything on anyone else.

I know somebody said above that I would hurt the nurses who find me, and yes I’ve thought about that but I feel ive got no choice, I’m soo sorry, I don’t want to hurt anybody at all, but I know someone has to find me, I can’t let my family find me. I feel so trapped. I’m really struggling right now I really can’t take much more of this I don’t know what do, oh god please just let me go

I just want to go

 

[Tired of existing]

Again thank you all for your replies x

You’ve all given me a lot to think about and tbh I’m really devastated to hear that the medication I had been saving is not going to work.....I honestly thought it was going to be a sure thing but just needed to find out the minimum dose than go has far above that as I could save up.

It’s going to be hard for me to get these other drugs N or SN as I don’t collect my own mail, my wife opens all my mail for me. Though I could say something like a package I’m expecting is a present and needs bringing to me unopened. My head is spinning again.....I feel like I’m trapped now with no means of escape and that terrifies me. I’ve got a million things going through my head I thought maybe I could get my daughter to watch for the mail for me to bring me the parcel so my wife doesn’t open it.....but what if she found out that she was the one who brought me the means to kill myself, it would destroy her knowing that, i just wanted to do it myself without putting any burden or anything on anyone else.

I know somebody said above that I would hurt the nurses who find me, and yes I’ve thought about that but I feel ive got no choice, I’m soo sorry, I don’t want to hurt anybody at all, but I know someone has to find me, I can’t let my family find me. I feel so trapped. I’m really struggling right now I really can’t take much more of this I don’t know what do, oh god please just let me go

I just want to go

Don't despair.

There is another Member from the UK who sucessfully got his N delievered lately.
Here is the thread.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...eedback-for-the-benefit-of-other-users.54406/

I would contact him, meaning pm him, and ask him exactly what you have to do.
To get the email adress of the supplier called A in Mexico.
How to arrange payments and tracking ID.
How to look out for scamers and verify the source.
It is doable, Kruger got his N delievered in the UK apparently.

I guess you could arrange to get the dellievery stored at your local post office or ask a friend to use his adress.
That all takes time and planing, yet it is doable.

In my humble opinion relatives are far more likely to sort of respect an exit if it is done in a peaceful way.
That way they dont't have to worry that any suffering was involved and it's easier to move on.

 

[Gnip]

Again thank you all for your replies x

You’ve all given me a lot to think about and tbh I’m really devastated to hear that the medication I had been saving is not going to work.....I honestly thought it was going to be a sure thing but just needed to find out the minimum dose than go has far above that as I could save up.

It’s going to be hard for me to get these other drugs N or SN as I don’t collect my own mail, my wife opens all my mail for me. Though I could say something like a package I’m expecting is a present and needs bringing to me unopened. My head is spinning again.....I feel like I’m trapped now with no means of escape and that terrifies me. I’ve got a million things going through my head I thought maybe I could get my daughter to watch for the mail for me to bring me the parcel so my wife doesn’t open it.....but what if she found out that she was the one who brought me the means to kill myself, it would destroy her knowing that, i just wanted to do it myself without putting any burden or anything on anyone else.

I know somebody said above that I would hurt the nurses who find me, and yes I’ve thought about that but I feel ive got no choice, I’m soo sorry, I don’t want to hurt anybody at all, but I know someone has to find me, I can’t let my family find me. I feel so trapped. I’m really struggling right now I really can’t take much more of this I don’t know what do, oh god please just let me go

I just want to go

Was your ailment your choice? The loss of income is what will probably hurt your nurses most of all. If they can't deal, they need to get into another line of work. Your daughter is not the one facing destruction. "I feel I've got no choice." Are you saying you got into this situation by CHOICE? What are you being apologetic for? Was your bedridden, ventilator dependent situation somehow brought on by your subjective feelings? Or is your situation an objective fact of reality?

From all you have told us, you have already become a burden to others through no choice of your own, are facing unavoidable destruction and death, and would like to spare yourself and your loved ones any more suffering. You come across as a proud and brave and noble man.

You didn't want this or ask for this, but you are the one whose body is affected by this, and unless you can be guaranteed a full reversal and restoration to your former self, then nobody else has the right to tell you whether or not you should choose to go, and how.

Take charge. At least contact Dignitas and find out some facts. You have the absolute right not to suffer the way you are suffering, physically and emotionally. You are not an incarcerated criminal who deserves to be punished in violation of the universal conventions against cruel and unusual inhumane punishments. And true love is never a source of or excuse for inflicting torture against the innocent.

A famous saying states that No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. Are all your good deeds as a father and Dad going unpunished? And where's the difference between love and selfishness?

Remove all blame and guilt from the situation. What is RIGHT? The enforcement of prolonged suffering and anguish?

Can you and your family be guaranteed to be better off, financially and emotionally, if this disease runs its full course? Or is it better to stop everything in its tracks NOW? Have you said you're praying to wake up tomorrow?

I hate suffering and want suffering to stop. Suffering is an instrument of evil, and evil has no right to exist. There is only one person you have mentioned who clearly does not appear to have any hope of recovering from this, and it's time for everybody else to be willing to let go, because like it or not, sooner or later, everybody will have no choice anyway, You have earned and at least deserve that right and the power to choose when, with the dignity you are entitled to.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I would not kill myself unless I was in extreme pain. I'm sure your family wants to spend as much time with you as possible while they can.

 

[moonie]

I am so sorry for your situation. My friend, she lived in UK was suffering from a illness.

She was in a kind of similar situation to you. She needed medical transport from the UK to Switzerland. She was very afraid of the trip. She needed a good reason to travel in Corona time.

Her husband and children didn’t support her. She came to Switzerland alone and the procedure of getting accepted was not as laborious as with Dignitas.

Like you, she was afraid of missing the "right" moment to use euthanasia. I miss her very much, but I am glad she was not meant to be, doing this alone at home or somewhere.

I hope you get the support you need from your family. I send you a lot of strength.

 

[Zhontafly]

I am sorry to here of your condition and circumstances. Sadly I dont think theres going to be an easy way out of this and you likely arnt going to be able to do it alone.
I recommend you speak with your wife and earn her cooperation. She is going to have to put on her big girl pants and accept that this is what you want and this is what is right for you. You will also probably need to help her let go. Talk her and sooth her through it.The suffering and all the burden has to be done away with.

Its so sad to hear, youve had such a great life with a beautiful family and its been reduced to this. I wish that wishes and prayers came true and were answered cause Id be doing both for you.

Your in my thoughts brother. Peace and may things come together for you so this chapter can come to swift end.