Chili
Member
- Sep 27, 2023
- 57
just a long, unedited dump of useless information. trauma dumping i guess
but i hate it here, and i don't know what i've done to deserve this. yes, I'm not much fun to talk to. Im sorry, I'm just emotionally exhausted. I work so much and do so much school that i just am not a fun person to be around, not like I used to be. Really, nothing makes me feel better than thoughts of suicide because it will soon be over, I'm just not sure how. i guess I'm making highschool me happy
first, i took out a loan to pay for my nan's surgery. she got the surgery and was doing SO WELL. Doctors were shocked, and my family was shocked. One day, I walked into her room after she didn't answer her phone to see that she had died with a cigarette in her hand. She looked so bad. and i didn't know what to do. I hated it, and I wanted to cry so bad but there was nothing i could do. I miss her. And, I still get phone calls asking when her bills are getting paid or when she is going to come to her next mammogram. She's late. I keep telling these people she is DEAD but they keep calling. I've told them nicely, and I've yelled. I've blocked there number. It doesn't matter these people don't care they just keep bothering me, sending me stuff in the mail about a dead woman and its really getting to me. i cant help but think about how lifeless she looked, and how green she looked
i then joined a club as an executive board member, and that kind of started off this semester of hell that will continue until i graduate. people kept telling me they hated me, and that they didn't want me on the board. that i was lazy, and didn't care. rumors were going around like crazy, and, because I failed a semester, i didn't know any of the people who were telling me these things. i don't know why i would doubt grown, stranger adults when they "warn" me my club hates me. And tbh everyone distanced themselves from me. Few people talk to me. So i didn't show up to 1 event, ONE, because fucking didn't want to be in a club that hated me. but i decided to give it another chance because I am depressed and unhappy; they have reason to hate me. And, as it turns out they went to our club and major's director and told them that i didn't care about the club. And then they told so many people, but not one of them to dme they had an issue with me, or that they had contacted the head of the department behind my back when SEVERAL, and i mean SEVERAL members have missed more than one club meeting. I have missed one. I eventually found out from another classmate, why? And I asked members about it. I told them that other people were telling me about issues, and then they were like, "oh did so and so tell you" NO, they didn't. So there were more people involved than i'd even thought. i just don't understand what I did to deserve being hated by people i don't even know
and then i guess the cherry on top is I'm getting sexually harrassed at work. i work fast food, was nice to this guy because he was cool. Gave him high fives, side hugs. Sure, nothing weird. might have needed to lay some boundaries but i do that with everyone else it wasnt weird. And he got this one guy off my back who was harassing me and so i thought he was a decent guy. ONe day i mentioned a funny story about how i broke up with my boyfriend, and once he learned i was single it was on. he shows up every shift I'm on (he's from a different store) and hugs me and smells me and stands outside the bathroom waiting on me to finish my shit. He will sometimes sneak up behind me and smell the nape of my neck by hugging and drawing me closer. i told my general manager and i told them that he was banned from this store before they were hired, and i wished that he could be banned again and instead they directly told him and now its so much worse. He thinks i got my manager status from him, when i trained at a different store and will just hold over the fact he got rid of creepy guy #1 and the fact that he somehow got me my job and i don't know i hate it here but i cant quit because there are no jobs in the area that are this flexible with this salary. it
some times i debate on quitting it all. I'm going to die anyways so what is the point in going through all of THIS. my parents hate me, my classmates hate me, i hate going to work. and for WHAT. i cant drop out because i got a scholarship on a contract, and i cant quit my job because i still have other things to pay. like car insurance. all i can quit is the club and i just feel like this is going to make things worse, like the rumors about me are true
but i hate it here, and i don't know what i've done to deserve this. yes, I'm not much fun to talk to. Im sorry, I'm just emotionally exhausted. I work so much and do so much school that i just am not a fun person to be around, not like I used to be. Really, nothing makes me feel better than thoughts of suicide because it will soon be over, I'm just not sure how. i guess I'm making highschool me happy
first, i took out a loan to pay for my nan's surgery. she got the surgery and was doing SO WELL. Doctors were shocked, and my family was shocked. One day, I walked into her room after she didn't answer her phone to see that she had died with a cigarette in her hand. She looked so bad. and i didn't know what to do. I hated it, and I wanted to cry so bad but there was nothing i could do. I miss her. And, I still get phone calls asking when her bills are getting paid or when she is going to come to her next mammogram. She's late. I keep telling these people she is DEAD but they keep calling. I've told them nicely, and I've yelled. I've blocked there number. It doesn't matter these people don't care they just keep bothering me, sending me stuff in the mail about a dead woman and its really getting to me. i cant help but think about how lifeless she looked, and how green she looked
i then joined a club as an executive board member, and that kind of started off this semester of hell that will continue until i graduate. people kept telling me they hated me, and that they didn't want me on the board. that i was lazy, and didn't care. rumors were going around like crazy, and, because I failed a semester, i didn't know any of the people who were telling me these things. i don't know why i would doubt grown, stranger adults when they "warn" me my club hates me. And tbh everyone distanced themselves from me. Few people talk to me. So i didn't show up to 1 event, ONE, because fucking didn't want to be in a club that hated me. but i decided to give it another chance because I am depressed and unhappy; they have reason to hate me. And, as it turns out they went to our club and major's director and told them that i didn't care about the club. And then they told so many people, but not one of them to dme they had an issue with me, or that they had contacted the head of the department behind my back when SEVERAL, and i mean SEVERAL members have missed more than one club meeting. I have missed one. I eventually found out from another classmate, why? And I asked members about it. I told them that other people were telling me about issues, and then they were like, "oh did so and so tell you" NO, they didn't. So there were more people involved than i'd even thought. i just don't understand what I did to deserve being hated by people i don't even know
and then i guess the cherry on top is I'm getting sexually harrassed at work. i work fast food, was nice to this guy because he was cool. Gave him high fives, side hugs. Sure, nothing weird. might have needed to lay some boundaries but i do that with everyone else it wasnt weird. And he got this one guy off my back who was harassing me and so i thought he was a decent guy. ONe day i mentioned a funny story about how i broke up with my boyfriend, and once he learned i was single it was on. he shows up every shift I'm on (he's from a different store) and hugs me and smells me and stands outside the bathroom waiting on me to finish my shit. He will sometimes sneak up behind me and smell the nape of my neck by hugging and drawing me closer. i told my general manager and i told them that he was banned from this store before they were hired, and i wished that he could be banned again and instead they directly told him and now its so much worse. He thinks i got my manager status from him, when i trained at a different store and will just hold over the fact he got rid of creepy guy #1 and the fact that he somehow got me my job and i don't know i hate it here but i cant quit because there are no jobs in the area that are this flexible with this salary. it
some times i debate on quitting it all. I'm going to die anyways so what is the point in going through all of THIS. my parents hate me, my classmates hate me, i hate going to work. and for WHAT. i cant drop out because i got a scholarship on a contract, and i cant quit my job because i still have other things to pay. like car insurance. all i can quit is the club and i just feel like this is going to make things worse, like the rumors about me are true
