Venting i just feel... weird.

[synthcadia]

this is hard to explain i feel like but... i don't know, i just feel off recently.

i think i have vitamin d deficiency and i'm working on that. also, the sun is setting here (Finland) at like 4:40pm and it's dark by 5:00pm, so that is also messing with me too.

anyway. it's hard to explain into like "normal" words, so excuse the poetry.

i just feel like i'm floating in an ocean staring at the sky at nighttime, and the water is half-real and half-fake. i feel like i'm here sometimes but sometimes i'm not. sometimes i just want to relax and not do any work, which is rather annoying. sometimes i feel like i can't calculate or feel the passage of time, and that yesterday was monday and today is thursday (as an example). like it feels like i am standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk and everyone is walking but i am stuck in time. i fear going back to America because i know this feeling will get worse there. i feel like i will be stuck in America and my future endeavors will never come true. or i will be a puppet for my parents forever. sometimes i forget stuff that has gone on, like i'm bella in twilight just sitting by the window and being stuck in this time flow while not realizing that the world is spinning still.

i just feel off. i think it's derealization. i mean for me it's always there. it just gets worse sometimes.

i don't know what to do about the derealization. i mean i've suffered with it for 6-7 years. therapists don't believe me.

also i am still seeing things again, a tiny bit, but i mean that's always there.

and i know i'm a mental illness casserole, but i just wish that i could do something.

maybe when i'm older.

at least things will be less stressful from now on. so i'm happy about that.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I've suffered from depersonalisation and derealisation disorder and it definitely makes you feel weird.
It feels similar to being slightly stoned , and nothing feels real and dreamlike, yet in a negative way.
Mine is brought on by stress.
I remember walking through a city centre once and suddenly everything went all weird around me for no apparent reason as though I was suddenly drugged up. It scared the hell out of me.
I later found out from a psychiatrist that I'd had an attack of derealisation and depersonalisation together.
It lasted for weeks and there is no cure for it.
I still suffer from episodes now and then.
So sorry you are going through this stuff, it's a living nightmare at times.

 

[synthcadia]

I've suffered from depersonalisation and derealisation disorder and it definitely makes you feel weird.
It feels similar to being slightly stoned , and nothing feels real and dreamlike, yet in a negative way.
Mine is brought on by stress.
I remember walking through a city centre once and suddenly everything went all weird around me for no apparent reason as though I was suddenly drugged up. It scared the hell out of me.
I later found out from a psychiatrist that I'd had an attack of derealisation and depersonalisation together.
It lasted for weeks and there is no cure for it.
I still suffer from episodes now and then.
So sorry you are going through this stuff, it's a living nightmare at times.

yeah it kinds feels like being drugged up...

at least i'm like present ig, bc with other forms of dissociation talking is so hard. i actually dissociated in front of my partner and talking was so tiring.

i think mine is also brought on by stress and just like potential triggers maybe.

it can be a living nightmare, yeah...

i am also sorry you went through this/still go through this.

 

[R_N]

You know I also felt weird since last week or so. Not in completely similar way but a little different.

Ik it is coincidence but I was thinking exactly what you said in your title. Feeling unusual, or weird.


For me it is like I am just a vessel. I also don't feel like doing much and when I say that I mean I could probably just stare into nothing for a while and wouldn't be too bothered by it. I also had some overload not sure if those are emotions but today it calmed a bit. Still my drives are kinda gone (yeah even little of those that I had) and it doesn't seem like a phase. I am not interested much in hobbies atm.

And dp/dr you guys won't believe me but I have it since forever 24/7 basically and got used to it.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

You know I also felt weird since last week or so. Not in completely similar way but a little different.

Ik it is coincidence but I was thinking exactly what you said in your title. Feeling unusual, or weird.


For me it is like I am just a vessel. I also don't feel like doing much and when I say that I mean I could probably just stare into nothing for a while and wouldn't be too bothered by it. I also had some overload not sure if those are emotions but today it calmed a bit. Still my drives are kinda gone (yeah even little of those that I had) and it doesn't seem like a phase. I am not interested much in hobbies atm.

And dp/dr you guys won't believe me but I have it since forever 24/7 basically and got used to it.

I think it's definitely possible to suffer from it for a very long time. I once knew a guy who did acid and he became permanently depersonalised.
Others have become depersonalised or derealised through things like trauma for a long time too.
I think you can get used to it too over time , it's power over you gradually diminishes the longer you have it.

 

[Passersby]

I know what you mean. I always feel weird too. Just weird and always uncomfortable. I am very uncomfortable in my body and it sucks. Psychologists and everybody always just dismissed everything I say. It's just anxiety, take this pill and do these exercises. It's all good right? Life is just so easy and simple. If you would just take this pill and everything will be fine. . Sometimes when I wake up I will be thinking about something and I won't know if it was real or not. I mean I dont know if it really happened in real life or I just dreamed it. Does this ever happen to you guys and if so what does it mean? Just one of the many things that bothers me.

 

[synthcadia]

You know I also felt weird since last week or so. Not in completely similar way but a little different.

Ik it is coincidence but I was thinking exactly what you said in your title. Feeling unusual, or weird.


For me it is like I am just a vessel. I also don't feel like doing much and when I say that I mean I could probably just stare into nothing for a while and wouldn't be too bothered by it. I also had some overload not sure if those are emotions but today it calmed a bit. Still my drives are kinda gone (yeah even little of those that I had) and it doesn't seem like a phase. I am not interested much in hobbies atm.

And dp/dr you guys won't believe me but I have it since forever 24/7 basically and got used to it.

1) i believe you and 2) after a while i got used to it too, when it was subtly there in the background. i guess now i don't want to feel this way and this is holding me back, like weights on my feet, but i don't know how to free myself from it.

if i wanted to ctb/was looking forward to nothing in my life, i think i would be fine with this. but i'm not. maybe that's selfish of me. idk.

I know what you mean. I always feel weird too. Just weird and always uncomfortable. I am very uncomfortable in my body and it sucks. Psychologists and everybody always just dismissed everything I say. It's just anxiety, take this pill and do these exercises. It's all good right? Life is just so easy and simple. If you would just take this pill and everything will be fine. . Sometimes when I wake up I will be thinking about something and I won't know if it was real or not. I mean I dont know if it really happened in real life or I just dreamed it. Does this ever happen to you guys and if so what does it mean? Just one of the many things that bothers me.

i 10000% feel this way. my therapist just dismissed everything and i gave up. (i mean she gaslit me about fucking trauma so.)

a lot of my dreams seem so real, so when i wake up i am confused and sometimes i still think my dreams are real.

this happens to like most of my dreams and it is hard to differentiate reality from my dreams sometimes.

 

[Passersby]

i 10000% feel this way. my therapist just dismissed everything and i gave up. (i mean she gaslit me about fucking trauma so.)

a lot of my dreams seem so real, so when i wake up i am confused and sometimes i still think my dreams are real.

this happens to like most of my dreams and it is hard to differentiate reality from my dreams sometimes

I know how that goes. I quit going a long time ago too. At this point I just keep on living like this with all these problems that ruin me and make life so hard. I'm too tired to do anything like even take a shower right now etc. I am laying back in a recliner on ss. The thing with not knowing what's real sometimes is scary. We are just trapped. I hope you can get some relief and peace.

 

[R_N]

1) i believe you and 2) after a while i got used to it too, when it was subtly there in the background. i guess now i don't want to feel this way and this is holding me back, like weights on my feet, but i don't know how to free myself from it.

if i wanted to ctb/was looking forward to nothing in my life, i think i would be fine with this. but i'm not. maybe that's selfish of me. idk.

i 10000% feel this way. my therapist just dismissed everything and i gave up. (i mean she gaslit me about fucking trauma so.)

a lot of my dreams seem so real, so when i wake up i am confused and sometimes i still think my dreams are real.

this happens to like most of my dreams and it is hard to differentiate reality from my dreams sometimes.

You know. There are rare moments when it fades for like a few seconds. But it only happens 3 times max maybe in span of a year.

Weird thing about it is it only happens in specific setting at specific place. Dim light in my own room if I glance at my tv. I didn't try to recreate it but I assume it wouldn't work.

And sad thing is feeling so alive and like I exist for a moment feels like someone removed a lock from my heart for a second.

I think it's definitely possible to suffer from it for a very long time. I once knew a guy who did acid and he became permanently depersonalised.
Others have become depersonalised or derealised through things like trauma for a long time too.
I think you can get used to it too over time , it's power over you gradually diminishes the longer you have it.

I don't think it is good to have it but being numb to hell probably helps to endure it more than being in the moment and feeling everything.

 

[synthcadia]

I know how that goes. I quit going a long time ago too. At this point I just keep on living like this with all these problems that ruin me and make life so hard. I'm too tired to do anything like even take a shower right now etc. I am laying back in a recliner on ss. The thing with not knowing what's real sometimes is scary. We are just trapped. I hope you can get some relief and peace.

sometimes the only thing that gets me by is having a schedule and maintaining my body or like having reactions and pain (because of dietary issues).

but sometimes it's like a high too.

i hate not knowing lol. it makes me so scared.

and thank you. we are trapped.

You know. There are rare moments when it fades for like a few seconds. But it only happens 3 times max maybe in span of a year.

Weird thing about it is it only happens in specific setting at specific place. Dim light in my own room if I glance at my tv. I didn't try to recreate it but I assume it wouldn't work.

And sad thing is feeling so alive and like I exist for a moment feels like someone removed a lock from my heart for a second.

I don't think it is good to have it but being numb to hell probably helps to endure it more than being in the moment and feeling everything.

you took the words from my mouth.

these days i don't know if i am alive. i have blood flowing through me, if i get injured i feel the nerves sending signals to my brain, and my body heals. but i don't feel real.

yea, feeling alive and like i exist is like being freed.

i will say that for me, being numb was good when i was in some deep shit, like when my mom had stage 4 cancer and was doing chemo and radiation and when my uncle and grandfather died in the same year, and whenever i go to a funeral i just get numb. because if i felt all of that pain and sadness i think i would've ctbed tbh.

 

[ultraviolence]

I know exactly how you feel. This describes it so well.

it feels like i am standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk and everyone is walking but i am stuck

At work, I was having an awful derealization moment where I didn't feel real and that my actions were not my actions and panicked that people could perceive me. It's incredibly hard to describe derealization but I can best describe it as I felt like I was randomly dropped inside another person's body without a guide or manual on how they behaved. I called my coworker n close friend (since elementary school, she got me the job) over n asked her if I was acting weird. She was like no you're fine. I was out of it the entire shift I kept making mistakes because I kept on overthinking every movement I made. Dying felt better than whatever tf I was feeling and my heart started racing and asked if I could talk to her. She took me outside and hugged me while I cried I said "there's something wrong with me" It was rly embarrassing and I felt like I was losing my mind I had no idea what to do. It's like I was in some sort of weird fucked up trance

 

[synthcadia]

I know exactly how you feel. This describes it so well.

At work, I was having an awful derealization moment where I didn't feel real and that my actions were not my actions and panicked that people could perceive me. It's incredibly hard to describe derealization but I can best describe it as I felt like I was randomly dropped inside another person's body without a guide or manual on how they behaved. I called my coworker n close friend (since elementary school, she got me the job) over n asked her if I was acting weird. She was like no you're fine. I was out of it the entire shift I kept making mistakes because I kept on overthinking every movement I made. Dying felt better than whatever tf I was feeling and my heart started racing and asked if I could talk to her. She took me outside and hugged me while I cried I said "there's something wrong with me" It was rly embarrassing and I felt like I was losing my mind I had no idea what to do. It's like I was in some sort of weird fucked up trance

it is honestly a really fucking weird trance and yeah, that's a pretty good way of explaining it.

since I have DID (i'm pretty sure) some of my alters have felt like being inside someone else's body.

that'd freak me out if i felt like i was inside someone else's body, honestly.

i'm glad your friend helped and gave you a hug. they say to help with dissociation you use your five senses.

 

[ultraviolence]

it is honestly a really fucking weird trance and yeah, that's a pretty good way of explaining it.

since I have DID (i'm pretty sure) some of my alters have felt like being inside someone else's body.

that'd freak me out if i felt like i was inside someone else's body, honestly.

i'm glad your friend helped and gave you a hug. they say to help with dissociation you use your five senses.

Sorry for the tangent omg but yes it is terrifying. I can't imagine how much more complicated DID makes derealization, I wouldn't be able to deal with it so props to you. I hope it gets better for you and that you'll have someone to hug you too

 

[synthcadia]

Sorry for the tangent omg but yes it is terrifying. I can't imagine how much more complicated DID makes derealization, I wouldn't be able to deal with it so props to you. I hope it gets better for you and that you'll have someone to hug you too

i don't mind tangents (actually i love them), it's kinda scary because i feel so detached from the alters in my head, and i feel a bit alone... and thankfully i have someone to hug soon. <3

DID and derealization are both dissociation disorders but they don't go well together lol, because one hurts my head (DID) while one numbs (derealization). it's an interesting tango.

i guess i have learned how to function with it. not sure.