I'm a biological woman, but I wish I was a guy. Ever since I was 9 I was showing signs of being trans even though I live in Poland and I never even knew what the word transgender meant until later in life. My gender dysphoria isn't just social, It's deep, internal, about my body and all. I tried to detach from it, ignore it, force femininity, but It always just made me even more depressed. The idea of trying to continue on living with daily suffering from gender dysphoria, being misgendered every day, isolating... just fucking sucks. Living as a tomboy looking woman isn't enough either.
BUT, If I ever medically transitioned, I'd have to cut off contact with my family. I'd have to face social judgment, safety risk, potential negative side effects from HRT, and religious guilt as I'm Catholic. I also don't like most people who are in trans community, it all seems to me almost sect-like. A lot of them are very defensive, and hypocrites (not all ofc but a lot). They expect respect and acceptance from everyone, but they don't respect others. There's so many stories of people who detransitioned who experienced bad side effects from the HRT. I feel like being trans is just wrong, and no matter how many surgeries I'd go through, I'll still never be an actual man, I'll just be a modified woman.
I'm thinking about killing myself, not because I hate myself, or anything. I don't feel disgusted with myself as a person, but I do feel disgust toward the idea of being trans. I don't wanna be a trans man, I wanna be a cis man, and that's impossible. I wanna die because I just don't see a way out. I don't know how or when I'm gonna do it, but I'll figure it out.
BUT, If I ever medically transitioned, I'd have to cut off contact with my family. I'd have to face social judgment, safety risk, potential negative side effects from HRT, and religious guilt as I'm Catholic. I also don't like most people who are in trans community, it all seems to me almost sect-like. A lot of them are very defensive, and hypocrites (not all ofc but a lot). They expect respect and acceptance from everyone, but they don't respect others. There's so many stories of people who detransitioned who experienced bad side effects from the HRT. I feel like being trans is just wrong, and no matter how many surgeries I'd go through, I'll still never be an actual man, I'll just be a modified woman.
I'm thinking about killing myself, not because I hate myself, or anything. I don't feel disgusted with myself as a person, but I do feel disgust toward the idea of being trans. I don't wanna be a trans man, I wanna be a cis man, and that's impossible. I wanna die because I just don't see a way out. I don't know how or when I'm gonna do it, but I'll figure it out.
