I just can't do this alone.

[Eternal Disaster]

I cannot do this alone. I want someone to decide a method for me and just kill me if I fail. Yes, I cannot make decisions, I am scared to decide a method. All the decisions I have made till now they have gone horribly wrong. I feel so small in the case of CTB. So much to learn, so much to practice but without a mentor. Man I want someone to be with me as I die. If I think about hanging I can't find the perfect anchor. If I want to order something it can't get inside the campus without being checked. I don't have the courage to jump. I don't have a water body to drown otherwise I would have done it. I feel like crying but I cannot.

I cannot bear this torture anymore. The burden of this cursed existence is increasing. This shit is exhausting and I am feeling hopeless. This existence is truly a curse. I don't want to be alone during this entire process. It's just hopelessness everywhere in every thing just hopelessness. The future is horrible I don't want to see it and this present is suffocating. I am so much overwhelmed I cannot even breath properly. Everyday I live is another torture. I cannot kill myself all alone. I want my mom to come and take me wherever she is.

I want to look for a CTB partner but I am scared what if the person is wrong. And why should I not be scared when my entire life has been a suffering, when I have always been surrounded by these snakes and scorpions wearing a human mask.I am dying from inside but this fucking body is still here. Why am I so much dependent? I want to do this but not alone.

I feel so awful this feeling is unexplainable. I just can't take this all anymore.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

There's plenty of megathreads on this website with different methods. There's also a list of things to definitely not try. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I truly hope things get better for you. Sending hugs! I also kind of want someone to do it with, but I'm in Australia so I don't think many are.

 

[EternalShore]

Unfortunately for you, this place is pro-choice, not pro-sewer slide, so we are unable to tell or coerce you to do anything~ There's plenty of resources of what one can do or not do on this website, if you have the time to sift through them and choose something~ :)

I'm very sorry for how this world is treated you~ :( It is truly so cruel~ >_< It gives you a spark of hope just to crush it again and again~ >_< and as you described, yes, people are so untrustworthy and selfish here, just like snakes and scorpions~ >_< A partner could be reassuring in a dark time like that, but you have to really, really trust them beforehand as there have been some pretty bad things that have happened through systems like that! :(
I wish things could get better for you~ >_<

but I'm in Australia so I don't think many are.

there are quite a lot of members from Australia here~ :) altho, yes, much less than the US, and I understand that it is far more regulatory in regards to all this stuff there too~ >_<