Discussion I just can’t anymore

[byebyeblondie]

I'm sure no one will read this but it feels good to write something somewhere.

I am so fed up. I've never belonged. I've tried so hard to fit in and changed myself to please others so much, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am lost. Broken. I am exhausted.

I don't sleep well. I struggle with hearing things that aren't real or dreaming of things that have happened to me. I can't escape the bad memories. They are in my house, my surrounding area and they pop in places when I don't even know why. I've talked about it, I've asked for help. Ultimately bad people just get away with being bad. These past few years have shown me just how truly nasty, false and bitchy people can be. The biggest bullies of them all live their lives as normal, yet I am stuck in a relentless cycle where I relive what they did daily.

I don't want to be here anymore but I can't fail another attempt to ctb. I have 3 people I love more than anything else in the world but I don't even deserve them, I can't live with out them - I'm so selfish as they deserve more than me and are better without me. I have failed as a mother though and I'm an embarrassment of a daughter. No one likes me. I'm a leach to society.


I think sn is my way but I'm scared, scared it'll be painful, scared I'll get it wrong. I know when I'd do it. I want to be at peace. I want everyone to be happy and I see how I've ruined everything.

Anyone to talk to would be greatly appreciated. It feels like I talk but no one hears me

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

I don't sleep well

Ultimately bad people just get away with being bad. These past few years have shown me just how truly nasty, false and bitchy people can be. The biggest bullies of them all live their lives as normal, yet I am stuck in a relentless cycle where I relive what they did daily.

I understand you perfectly well in this.
Since 2018, I have become very disappointed in those who were dearest to me. I was horribly betrayed by the people closest to me.

I don't know your whole story, but you seem like a good person.

I like your avatar.

 

[tiredone]

You are not alone and we do read :)
I understand where you coming from.
Recently found out that my partner of 17 years was manipulating me for past 2 years. Now she made abuser out of me. And i still love her.
Every day i want to be gone.
People are horrible to each other, and the closest to us can hurt us the most.
Then they can carry on as nothing happened and are surprised we succumb to the lowest of ourselves.
At least you have us.

 

[Fabled Oblivion]

I have read what you said though I have not truly tried ctb yet but I am getting closer and closer. I think people close to me have seen me and don't care so I will never understand them as they say they suffer to but ignore others suffering.i have people close to me that I care for but I don't know if they really see me I want them to be happy but I don't know anymore I get confused cause they don't seem to care. I don't know what is best but i want I was thinking of hanging my self in a forest near me I could hide in as it seems the most reliable method rn. I would like to talk to some in a position like this cause I don't think the people in my life listen. I will try to talk as best I can.

 

[ForeverBroken]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. It truly sucks. I too feel as if I'm a failure as a mother. And my parents were disappointed in me as well when they were alive. I have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

 

[Vesiira]

I'm sure no one will read this but it feels good to write something somewhere.

I am so fed up. I've never belonged. I've tried so hard to fit in and changed myself to please others so much, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am lost. Broken. I am exhausted.

I don't sleep well. I struggle with hearing things that aren't real or dreaming of things that have happened to me. I can't escape the bad memories. They are in my house, my surrounding area and they pop in places when I don't even know why. I've talked about it, I've asked for help. Ultimately bad people just get away with being bad. These past few years have shown me just how truly nasty, false and bitchy people can be. The biggest bullies of them all live their lives as normal, yet I am stuck in a relentless cycle where I relive what they did daily.

I don't want to be here anymore but I can't fail another attempt to ctb. I have 3 people I love more than anything else in the world but I don't even deserve them, I can't live with out them - I'm so selfish as they deserve more than me and are better without me. I have failed as a mother though and I'm an embarrassment of a daughter. No one likes me. I'm a leach to society.


I think sn is my way but I'm scared, scared it'll be painful, scared I'll get it wrong. I know when I'd do it. I want to be at peace. I want everyone to be happy and I see how I've ruined everything.

Anyone to talk to would be greatly appreciated. It feels like I talk but no one hears me

i'm so sorry you feel so hopeless and at a loss right now. i can understand completely. here for you and i'm sure so many others on here are too. <3

 

[starlightsun]

Please don't feel like you are a leech, broken or an embarrassment. It's not you, it's this messed up world we live in that has its values completely backwards. I wish love and acceptance were the default behaviours of our society and people recognised that we each have inherent value. We're here with you x

 

[vuberpoot1]

Losing your sense of identity is something I strongly relate to, as I've also spent the better part of my life trying to be the person other people want me to be. What's worse is when I figure out that none of those people really care about me as a person, and I can't pretend to fit in with them any longer. It's exhausting and confusing, and when I finally realized that I needed to figure out who I am, I felt at a loss. Like I opened my eyes and found that I was living in an empty pit of nothing. I still grapple with it, but I've tried to break away from that feeling by just focusing on what I want rather than who I am. Maybe the "identity" part will come eventually, but if it doesn't, I've made it this far without one!

I know intimately what it's like to feel like a burden, as I'm sure many others here do as well. Just know that you're still loved, and you're not alone. Even with all the injustices of the world, the terrible people never coming to justice, the good people suffering undeservedly- we're still here, together. I hope that at the very least, some of our words help you feel a bit better about living in a cold world. Best wishes to you, friend, and stay safe.

 

[byebyeblondie]

I understand you perfectly well in this.
Since 2018, I have become very disappointed in those who were dearest to me. I was horribly betrayed by the people closest to me.

I don't know your whole story, but you seem like a good person.

I like your avatar.

Thank you, it's nice to hear someone understands!

I'm sorry you've been betrayed. Why do the ones we trust and care for the most hurt us the most?

You are not alone and we do read :)
I understand where you coming from.
Recently found out that my partner of 17 years was manipulating me for past 2 years. Now she made abuser out of me. And i still love her.
Every day i want to be gone.
People are horrible to each other, and the closest to us can hurt us the most.
Then they can carry on as nothing happened and are surprised we succumb to the lowest of ourselves.
At least you have us.

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry that has happened to you. People are cruel. Love is torture in my opinion.

I'm glad I can speak freely here and talk to those who understand

I have read what you said though I have not truly tried ctb yet but I am getting closer and closer. I think people close to me have seen me and don't care so I will never understand them as they say they suffer to but ignore others suffering.i have people close to me that I care for but I don't know if they really see me I want them to be happy but I don't know anymore I get confused cause they don't seem to care. I don't know what is best but i want I was thinking of hanging my self in a forest near me I could hide in as it seems the most reliable method rn. I would like to talk to some in a position like this cause I don't think the people in my life listen. I will try to talk as best I can.

I am happy to talk/ listen to you. I'm so sorry you feel that way, it's an awful feeling. People should care more about others and try and help them to feel better

It seems to me that people can get so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't see what's going on around them. I think people can be quite selfish. I know I have been selfish in the past as well :(.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. It truly sucks. I too feel as if I'm a failure as a mother. And my parents were disappointed in me as well when they were alive. I have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

Thank you, that means more than you know

Please don't feel like you are a leech, broken or an embarrassment. It's not you, it's this messed up world we live in that has its values completely backwards. I wish love and acceptance were the default behaviours of our society and people recognised that we each have inherent value. We're here with you x

I wish that too. Thank you xx

 

[Styg]

First of all, just want to say thank you for taking the time to put your story out there. I know you said you think people won't read your words, but I think you'll see that many users do take the time to engage with the stories of others, and your experiences will no doubt resonate with a lot of people. You've clearly experienced much pain and injustice in your life, and I just want to say that I'm truly sorry you've had to suffer in such a way. The world can be an unfair place, where good people such as yourself are hurt by circumstance through no fault of their own. No matter what, please know that you are not a burden: you have people in your life that love and value you, even if it doesn't always feel like it. I wish brighter days for you, and I sincerely hope you're able to find peace for yourself in whatever form it may take.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Why do the ones we trust and care for the most hurt us the most?

Because they meant the most to us in life. We tell them the most intimate, personal things. We are vulnerable to them.


If you see a chance in your life - think about recovery.