ChildrensITV
Arcanist
- Mar 14, 2023
- 455
I haven't showered in a week. At one point, I thought I was mending somewhat - not back to my childhood happiness, but back to being able to shower. That was wrong. So to try to get me into barely functioning, as opposed to bedridden, I booked some driving-lessons. Thank goodness I have savings. Too bad they are depleting. So I just booked some. And I will be trying to shower to today - my face is literally crusting over from grease - and then I will go to the gym.
I remarked on this on this website a few days ago: "it's weird to be doing certain things when you're suicidal". A replier hit the nail on the head: "it's because you don't know if you're going or not".
It's weird. I could get to my 10th driving-lesson, pass the practical test, but then realize there is nothing else keeping me here - no mental health, no job, no girlfriend, no money to buy a car even, no home, no hair, no looks, no youth - Nothing - and then still CTB. But at least I would have tried right up until the end.
I remarked on this on this website a few days ago: "it's weird to be doing certain things when you're suicidal". A replier hit the nail on the head: "it's because you don't know if you're going or not".
It's weird. I could get to my 10th driving-lesson, pass the practical test, but then realize there is nothing else keeping me here - no mental health, no job, no girlfriend, no money to buy a car even, no home, no hair, no looks, no youth - Nothing - and then still CTB. But at least I would have tried right up until the end.
