Resource I interacted with an attractive woman and started crying @ work

[GenesAndEnvironment]

That's the vibe I got from your post. The way you phrased all of that was off-putting imo.

Ok, let me know if anything I write in the future also makes you feel like I said something when I didn't. Here to help.

Maybe if you practiced socializing with men and women that you're not attracted to, instead of just "having to deal" with them, you'd be better off.

Probably, yes. And as I mentioned, perhaps several times in this singular thread, I struggle with these sorts of things.

 

[shy]

@GenesAndEnvironment I'm curious, what do you think a gf is going to provide, that you so desperately need?

I mean what if the fated day comes and a random girl recognises your autistic cuteness and proposes on the spot, but she isn't able to fill the void you've been feeling all this time? What's the "basic need" a gf is supposed to fill for you?

 

[NumbItAll]

You just need to have confidence bro confidence is the key

Nah I don't really have any advice but I can relate, maybe not to the same extreme, but I can't really interact with people much without completely faking it. Friendships have always felt mostly superficial and empty to me, and the only times I've been happy were when I had some kind of female companionship (rare + I was easily discarded). I've given up on ever finding a serious partner though... by that I mean I will still keep trying, but I don't really see how it's possible as a worthless outcast that nobody is interested in.

 

[ButterflyDream]

I'm not a guy so maybe this isn't 100% relatable to you, but we're both human so I think it's still relevant. I lost my virginity at 21 and I really enjoyed the experience, but it didn't really improve my life situation much if at all. Nothing really happens when you lose your virginity, you just swap your label for another. You're gonna be the same person the morning after.

I noticed a lot of anxiety regarding sexual function. Maybe you'll need medication like Viagra to achieve an erection, and that's fine. Penetrative sex also isn't the only way to satisfy a partner or yourself if you still find it's not an option for you. And having a curved penis is normal, there's no need to do anything to fix it cause there's nothing to be fixed there.

@GenesAndEnvironment I'm curious, what do you think a gf is going to provide, that you so desperately need?

I mean what if the fated day comes and a random girl recognises your autistic cuteness and proposes on the spot, but she isn't able to fill the void you've been feeling all this time? What's the "basic need" a gf is supposed to fill for you?

I agree with this, your desire to find a woman willing to do a lot of emotional labor for you is simply not sustainable. I had a girlfriend that tried to use me to fill the void and it really didn't work out. I tried to get her to seek further professional help and reach out to her peers, but she insisted that I was all she needed. I broke up with her within a month because it was incredibly exhausting to put out fires 24/7 and have practically none of my emotional needs met in return. And that's all it was, just putting out fires. She wasn't better off as a person a month later despite having what she wanted, cause I am not a mental health professional and I couldn't "fix" her.

It's 100% ok to want to be close to another person in a romantic relationship, But what you're seeking isn't an equal partner, it's basically a mother. It wouldn't be fair to her, and it's not really going to help you become a better person. Of course it's ok to reach out to your partner and your other loved ones for support, but your mental health is also your responsibility. I don't really know what else to say cause I also struggle with socialization, so we're both looking for answers. I just know from personal experience that codependency isn't it.

I know I was pretty critical in this post, but I hope you understand that I don't have any ill will towards you. I truly hope that you recover and find peace. I just don't think this is the way to go about it and I'm explaining why. If I've misinterpreted something or I crossed a line, feel free to tell me.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

First off, these are very hard for me to reply to as I believe we are fundamentally different in how we're built. Initially I just replied with a short message expressing that we're too different for me to explain myself without writing pages of what's basically a translation to those who are not similar enough to myself (male, autistic, virgin, mid-twenties, strong drive for relationship since puberty, my type of personality, no friends, anhedonia, no real interests or goals aside from this, a certain set of knowledge and beliefs, etc, etc). To even be asked why I'd wanted a gf actually left me stunned. It's like I have to explain my feelings/needs to a tree or fish, which I suppose is theoretically possible (at least when you don't need them to understand the explanation). But I'd then might be doing well with going for a theoretical/biological angle, I even started by trying to prove that humans had the instinct to breed (next up, proving that water is wet), but then realized that even saying that could fuel the "this is about sex"-thing, which is already the most frequent error from (almost always non-virgins who somehow hadn't realized that sex itself wasn't a big deal before actually doing it).

Also, almost everything I write about this subject isn't new. Especially my replies to the "advice" and "information", those would probably almost be copies of each other, since I'm hit with the same fast and inaccurate thinking as I was over a year ago. I've been getting the same sorts of replies on this very website, more or less, since I joined almost two years ago.

Another thing for the initial reply, which I might regret not posting and calling it a day (edit: I really, really, really, regret it), is because I assumed, and still am assuming, that the eventual replies would basically be yet another debate where I'm asked to explain (for the tenth time), and even attempt to prove, that I (a) have a need for a girlfriend, (b) that it's very unlikely for me to ever get a girlfriend, (c) don't have much else that I care about. The "reward" for explaining these things, and probably also many others, is to get some guy to finally give up and say that he understands, which isn't really worth hours of writing and thinking.

@GenesAndEnvironment I'm curious, what do you think a gf is going to provide, that you so desperately need?

I mean what if the fated day comes and a random girl recognises your autistic cuteness and proposes on the spot, but she isn't able to fill the void you've been feeling all this time?

That would be good enough, then I could end up where I want to be, which is not thinking about this at all. I'm certain I'm only able to be fixated to this extent because I never had a relationship. The other option would then be a life-long relationship, which sounds better to me. Not sure if you don't think I desperately need it; roughly speaking, I've been suicidal (and unable to function) because of this for eight years, I think that could qualify it as a need. Even if no one else would feel this way, were they to go their entire lives never having had a romantic relationship (impossible), it would still be a need to me. Someone with OCD might have some needs very few other people have, but those are needs to them, and so on. People who just drank water can go longer than someone who hasn't, but since everyone knows at least some level of (literal) thirst, you won't get people asking why you "so desperately need water" when you're passed out in a desert. But, hey, maybe I was just hangry for the duration of the entire eight years and actually needed an apple!

but we're both human so I think it's still relevant

That's not how it works. After reading and responding to the rest, I think this is an extremely bad assumption that can lead to a lot of stupid shit.

I lost my virginity at 21 and I really enjoyed the experience, but it didn't really improve my life situation much if at all. Nothing really happens when you lose your virginity, you just swap your label for another. You're gonna be the same person the morning after.

I don't care about the virginity, for the 10th time. I'd be very surprised if casual sex had long-term positive benefits. I don't suffer at all from my life situation except in the way that it keeps me away from a gf, for the 10th time.

I noticed a lot of anxiety regarding sexual function

No you didn't, you assumed the presence of anxiety from reading words. It might be there if I had some chance of getting into something sexual, which I don't.

your desire to find a woman willing to do a lot of emotional labor for you is simply not sustainable

And when did I say that someone would do "emotional labor"? What the fuck are these assumptions about?

I had a girlfriend that tried to use me to fill the void and it really didn't work out. I tried to get her to seek further professional help and reach out to her peers, but she insisted that I was all she needed. I broke up with her within a month because it was incredibly exhausting to put out fires 24/7 and have practically none of my emotional needs met in return. And that's all it was, just putting out fires. She wasn't better off as a person a month later despite having what she wanted, cause I am not a mental health professional and I couldn't "fix" her.

Completely irrelevant, since I am a different person than your ex and we don't know how I'd act in a relationship. My guess is that I'd be the complete opposite of high-maintenance and needy, since I basically have one unmet need that would literally have been met at that point. Not to mention my personality in general, which is the opposite of asking people to perform "emotional labor".

It's 100% ok to want to be close to another person in a romantic relationship, But what you're seeking isn't an equal partner, it's basically a mother

And how the fuck would you know that? Why are you assuming things to this extent? Can you quote me or something, where did I say I wanted a mother? If anything, I'd like to be the one taking care of my partner than the other way around. Can't you just stick to what I wrote, what the actual fuck?

but your mental health is also your responsibility

I know many people are at this level of thinking, so I'm not surprised by this statement. But you might want to think that through.

I know I was pretty critical in this post

No you weren't "critical", you assumed the worst and made things up about me without evidence (assumed I wanted a mother, assumed I needed more emotional labor than other people, drawing from your personal anecdotes [involving a completely different person than me]). I am actually fuming and seething after reading this, and that's extremely rare. Please don't reply to this unless you're posting an apology, this was one of the worst exchanges I've had on here (2 years). Holy fuck. Please take way more time to double-check if you're assuming anything without reason next time you try to "help" someone. And absolutely work on the reading comprehension. This might be the first time I use the ignore feature unironically.

 

[ButterflyDream]

I didn't realize my reply would upset you this way. I believe I let my previous experiences cloud my judgement of you. I know you are angry with me, so I'm not sure how much it's worth but I do apologize for assuming things about you. I hope you find peace, whatever form that may take.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

It is very easy for people to whom relationships and sex come easy to, to downplay their importance. We are social, romantic and intimate beings after all. It is a need built into us.

However, there's also the camp of people who don't have the luxury of obtaining it, so they deny the importance of it as a coping mechanism.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I didn't realize my reply would upset you this way. I believe I let my previous experiences cloud my judgement of you. I know you are angry with me, so I'm not sure how much it's worth but I do apologize for assuming things about you. I hope you find peace, whatever form that may take.

Water under the bridge, I apologize for my reaction to you trying to help. I was very close to deleting my comment since I thought it might be too aggressive. Thank you for caring enough to write something in the first place.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I don't think that @ButterflyDream was totally off-base. I've gotten the impression that you're looking for a girl to sort of save you from your current life in your mothers basement. And to also save you from killing yourself. That's a lot of pressure to put on any new relationship you may get into, and that will result in a lot of emotional labor whether the girl is aware of these things or not. I don't think the hyper-focus on getting into a relationship above all else is helping you.

You're also obviously very sensitive and a lot of the time hypersensitive people are pretty high maintenance in relationships. and I'm saying this as sensitive person myself.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I've gotten the impression that you're looking for a girl to sort of save you from your current life in your mothers basement.

Then you have misunderstood.

And to also save you from killing yourself

Well, not exactly. She wouldn't have to do anything more than if she dated someone that wasn't suicidal. In fact, I'm certain she'd have to do way less.

That's a lot of pressure to put on any new relationship you may get into, and that will result in a lot of emotional labor whether the girl is aware of these things or not.

This would then not follow.

I don't think the hyper-focus on getting into a relationship above all else is helping you.

I already said that in this very thread, in some form. Can't blame anyone for not reading everything, I guess.

You're also obviously very sensitive

Incorrect (generally speaking).

a lot of the time hypersensitive people are pretty high maintenance in relationships.

Good thing that I'm not hypersensitive, then.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Then you have misunderstood.


Well, not exactly. She wouldn't have to do anything more than if she dated someone that wasn't suicidal. In fact, I'm certain she'd have to do way less.


This would then not follow.


I already said that in this very thread, in some form. Can't blame anyone for not reading everything, I guess.


Incorrect (generally speaking).


Good thing that I'm not hypersensitive, then.

People who aren't sensitive don't generally lash out any criticism on a public thread that they posted. They also don't literally start crying when a girl talks to them.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

People who aren't sensitive don't generally lash out any criticism on a public thread that they posted. They also don't literally start crying when a girl talks to them.

I'm not sensitive in general. This is my weak point.

 

[shy]

I didn't phrase my previous question well. I was thinking that you don't want a girlfriend because you need a girlfriend, rather that you want a girlfriend because you need x,y,z which only a girlfriend can provide. And I was curious as to what you thought x,y,z is.

It's pretty abstract, since I myself couldn't put x,y,z into proper words now that I think about it some more. My intention wasn't to insinuate that you can get said x,y,z from elsewhere, hence not need a girlfriend.

I'm in my mid-twenties too and haven't been in a romantic relationship either, so I'm wondering how my imagination of what being in a relationship is like maps onto reality.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

And I was curious as to what you thought x,y,z is.

A combination of several strong needs, I think. Skin hunger (romantic-sexual type), need for belonging/acceptance (validation of genetic-environmental viability), perceived reproduction, role acquisition, feeling needed, etc, etc.

My intention wasn't to insinuate that you can get said x,y,z from elsewhere, hence not need a girlfriend.

My bad, sorry.

I'm in my mid-twenties too and haven't been in a romantic relationship either, so I'm wondering how my imagination of what being in a relationship is like maps onto reality.

My sympathies. Well, I'd also like to find out, but I'll never get any further than this type of guesswork.