S_IsMyUsername
Member
- Sep 11, 2023
- 46
Hello, in a way I am new here. I have often read here posts or the like but only today decided to post something myself. Unfortunately, I do not really know if I'm doing the right thing, but I'm just writing because it feels good: I've always been a problem child. My father was a drug addict and my mother tries to this day but just does not manage to be a real mother. Because of the tough family situation, there has always been stress at school, to the point where the school called in the local authorities because my mother wouldn't take me to school, which is illegal in my country. My grandmother then stepped in, even though the time with her was nice and I had a "normal life" at that time, it also made my life even more complicated than it already was. Shortly after that I was sexually abused by a family member, even though I still think that this is one of the least of my problems.
My problems increased over time to a point where I actively testified at school that I would like to kill my mother. Looking back, that was stupid and I would never do such a thing, or could never have done it. It was a kind of cry for help that everyone interpreted as "HE SHOULD BE PRISONED". I don't know, shortly after that my 10~ birthday my time in a children's home began. I've always been a bit on the cutting edge of technology, for example I bought my first website at the age of 12 with a prepaid credit card. Others in the home noticed that I had such a card and forced me to buy cigarettes for them from vending machines. Quickly it was clear that such prepaid credit cards with these machines can not unlock what has only led to mobbing. At some point, the barrel is then overflowed and I am once just before school completely freaked out. Actually, I had only torn open the entrance door with full force and thus broke the window but a teacher has immediately pounced on me and applied with full force a lever handle on my arm. While I was screaming in pain, he just said "Stop screaming and I'll let go". I will never forget those words, as if they were echoing in my head to this day. Shortly thereafter, I was passed around from home to home as if I were some kind of merchandise. After several years of being passed around, I eventually arrived at a home where everything seemed okay at first. The roommates were nice, the caretakers understanding. However, shortly after me, another (at that time) teenager arrived in the group which actively played all the caregivers against each other. This led to the fact that the group had to be dissolved after a short time because the caregivers no longer understood each other. Because my condition deteriorated rapidly, I became more and more hostile towards staff and supervisors, which led to them sending me to a farm group home as punishment.
As a strong animal haralergic.
The place was beautiful but several kilometers away from any other place, and who does not take care of the animals did not get animal products as a punishment, that is, there was dry bread with magerine as food. That was it. After several weeks to months, so exactly I do not know any more because I have a large part of the time out of my memory, I started more and more to give me with people from school had to do with drugs. Until one day I had the great idea "If I take LSD I could at least have a little good time" and bought LSD from one of my friends. They still said "be careful", "take only half a carton at first", instead I took almost all at once. And I will never forget the first half of the day. Like in slow motion, every moment, every breath, everything suddenly felt "good", for example I had also eaten an appricot and I will never forget this feeling when a really juicy apricot slides down my neck.
However, towards the evening, still absolutely high, came more and more the realization of reality. In what kind of situation I am. And that no one would help me. In the hope of being in a better mood again, I took the rest, and then almost took my life. It began with the thoughts I always have: "Why should I live my life if it has no meaning after my death? "Why should others have the life I would like to have?" (Even if this question sounds very selfish when I write it) "Why endure all this?". Shortly after, I pulled a bag over my head and fell asleep.
The next day I woke up with an incredibly strong headache, and noticed that the much too thin bag had torn during "sleep". In a way, I even felt guilty and told my caregivers that I REALLY NEEDED HELP, and was promptly admitted to a closed psychiatric ward. After all that, everything calmed down a bit, I got out of the home relatively quickly (but not because psychologists wanted that, no, because the home no longer wanted me) and had to get along on my own in my first own apartment, even if at that time still financed by the state because I was still a minor. Right the state has not even tried to prepare me for life and instead just got me an apartment and said "have fun, dont do shit".
I'm basically better since I'm out of the home but I still have regularly especially at night (is that with you also so that it is dependent on the time of day?) strong suicidal thoughts and depression. During the day everything is ok, I live my life and so on. But as soon as it gets late, and I am a rather nocturnal person, it gets worse with me. Recently my pet died, and my doctor put me on sick leave for a whole week, but I can't even remember the week? Is this normal when dealing with emotions? Why do others cry when they are "grieving"? I just don't understand some emotions, and I can't even tell my therapist that. If you knew how many letters I have written because I thought it would be easier to write it and then give it to him. But in vain I do not manage to open up to the people with whom it might be important. I find the world too complicated and I would like to CTB. But on the other hand I don't even have the balls for it.
Oh and regarding the title, if there was a religion or what I wish would happen after, it would be this:
My problems increased over time to a point where I actively testified at school that I would like to kill my mother. Looking back, that was stupid and I would never do such a thing, or could never have done it. It was a kind of cry for help that everyone interpreted as "HE SHOULD BE PRISONED". I don't know, shortly after that my 10~ birthday my time in a children's home began. I've always been a bit on the cutting edge of technology, for example I bought my first website at the age of 12 with a prepaid credit card. Others in the home noticed that I had such a card and forced me to buy cigarettes for them from vending machines. Quickly it was clear that such prepaid credit cards with these machines can not unlock what has only led to mobbing. At some point, the barrel is then overflowed and I am once just before school completely freaked out. Actually, I had only torn open the entrance door with full force and thus broke the window but a teacher has immediately pounced on me and applied with full force a lever handle on my arm. While I was screaming in pain, he just said "Stop screaming and I'll let go". I will never forget those words, as if they were echoing in my head to this day. Shortly thereafter, I was passed around from home to home as if I were some kind of merchandise. After several years of being passed around, I eventually arrived at a home where everything seemed okay at first. The roommates were nice, the caretakers understanding. However, shortly after me, another (at that time) teenager arrived in the group which actively played all the caregivers against each other. This led to the fact that the group had to be dissolved after a short time because the caregivers no longer understood each other. Because my condition deteriorated rapidly, I became more and more hostile towards staff and supervisors, which led to them sending me to a farm group home as punishment.
As a strong animal haralergic.
The place was beautiful but several kilometers away from any other place, and who does not take care of the animals did not get animal products as a punishment, that is, there was dry bread with magerine as food. That was it. After several weeks to months, so exactly I do not know any more because I have a large part of the time out of my memory, I started more and more to give me with people from school had to do with drugs. Until one day I had the great idea "If I take LSD I could at least have a little good time" and bought LSD from one of my friends. They still said "be careful", "take only half a carton at first", instead I took almost all at once. And I will never forget the first half of the day. Like in slow motion, every moment, every breath, everything suddenly felt "good", for example I had also eaten an appricot and I will never forget this feeling when a really juicy apricot slides down my neck.
However, towards the evening, still absolutely high, came more and more the realization of reality. In what kind of situation I am. And that no one would help me. In the hope of being in a better mood again, I took the rest, and then almost took my life. It began with the thoughts I always have: "Why should I live my life if it has no meaning after my death? "Why should others have the life I would like to have?" (Even if this question sounds very selfish when I write it) "Why endure all this?". Shortly after, I pulled a bag over my head and fell asleep.
The next day I woke up with an incredibly strong headache, and noticed that the much too thin bag had torn during "sleep". In a way, I even felt guilty and told my caregivers that I REALLY NEEDED HELP, and was promptly admitted to a closed psychiatric ward. After all that, everything calmed down a bit, I got out of the home relatively quickly (but not because psychologists wanted that, no, because the home no longer wanted me) and had to get along on my own in my first own apartment, even if at that time still financed by the state because I was still a minor. Right the state has not even tried to prepare me for life and instead just got me an apartment and said "have fun, dont do shit".
I'm basically better since I'm out of the home but I still have regularly especially at night (is that with you also so that it is dependent on the time of day?) strong suicidal thoughts and depression. During the day everything is ok, I live my life and so on. But as soon as it gets late, and I am a rather nocturnal person, it gets worse with me. Recently my pet died, and my doctor put me on sick leave for a whole week, but I can't even remember the week? Is this normal when dealing with emotions? Why do others cry when they are "grieving"? I just don't understand some emotions, and I can't even tell my therapist that. If you knew how many letters I have written because I thought it would be easier to write it and then give it to him. But in vain I do not manage to open up to the people with whom it might be important. I find the world too complicated and I would like to CTB. But on the other hand I don't even have the balls for it.
Oh and regarding the title, if there was a religion or what I wish would happen after, it would be this:
