I hope I can get the courage

[deathisnear]

I actually don't need courage to CTB. I am not nervous and even excited at the thought of CTB and finally getting the peace I've seeked for so long. The courage I need is to let everyone else down. Letting my family down, I know they will be devestated and it's kept me here for a lifetime. I am tired. I am tired of fighting and battling through my anxiety and depression and other shit. I have wanted to CTB for years and I've stayed for everyone else. I can only hope I get the courage soon to do what's right for me and end all this.

 

[Avyn]

I understand you so well.. I'm also living for the sake of others. I know death comes for us all no matter if we die now or later when we're old.
Maybe one day your pain and suffering will push you over the edge and nothing will matter anymore. Your life is yours and nobody else can take away our pain, no one else can tell you what to do with your life. You decide if it's worth living or not.

I hope we both find the courage one day and that you won't have to suffer anymore <3

 

[deathisnear]

I understand you so well.. I'm also living for the sake of others. I know death comes for us all no matter if we die now or later when we're old.
Maybe one day your pain and suffering will push you over the edge and nothing will matter anymore. Your life is yours and nobody else can take away our pain, no one else can tell you what to do with your life. You decide if it's worth living or not.

I hope we both find the courage one day and that you won't have to suffer anymore <3

I couldn't agree more. I really don't know how I'm doing it, how I'm pushing through all this pain behind the mask. I have what I need to CTB. i need to just let the pain take me to peace. Our lives are our lives and I wish that I could just block everything else out and do it. I wish they could understand and know it didn't have anything to do with them. I really hope we both find the courage as well, this suffering has to end.

 

[Avyn]

I couldn't agree more. I really don't know how I'm doing it, how I'm pushing through all this pain behind the mask. I have what I need to CTB. i need to just let the pain take me to peace. Our lives are our lives and I wish that I could just block everything else out and do it. I wish they could understand and know it didn't have anything to do with them. I really hope we both find the courage as well, this suffering has to end.

Do you think leaving a note explaining it's not their fault would help? I'm proud of you for pushing through despite the pain you're going through! One day it'll all end.

 

[deathisnear]

Do you think leaving a note explaining it's not their fault would help? I'm proud of you for pushing through despite the pain you're going through! One day it'll all end

I truly hope the ending is soon. Thank you, we all push through pain no one knows or could understand. Let it all be over soon. I have tried to write a note a million times, I don't know where to start, it could be a book, and while it may comfort them, no note could make them feel better. I'm leaning towards just a really short note just telling them it's not their fault

 

[Avyn]

I truly hope the ending is soon. Thank you, we all push through pain no one knows or could understand. Let it all be over soon. I have tried to write a note a million times, I don't know where to start, it could be a book, and while it may comfort them, no note could make them feel better. I'm leaning towards just a really short note just telling them it's not their fault

You're right, people can only act like they understand but no one actually does. The note can be as long or short as you want. Maybe your family would like to know why and what exactly led to this decision instead of a short note, but in the end I'm sure it'll make it a bit easier for them to know it's not their fault regardless of the notes length. What I thought of is finding a method which makes your suicide look like an accident.

Whether we die now or later, people will be hurt and suffer, that's sadly a part of life. All we can do is try to make it easier for them to heal!

 

[deathisnear]

You're right, people can only act like they understand but no one actually does. The note can be as long or short as you want. Maybe your family would like to know why and what exactly led to this decision instead of a short note, but in the end I'm sure it'll make it a bit easier for them to know it's not their fault regardless of the notes length. What I thought of is finding a method which makes your suicide look like an accident.

Whether we die now or later, people will be hurt and suffer, that's sadly a part of life. All we can do is try to make it easier for them to heal!

Absolutely. I have a lot to say, but my depression and anxiety make it impossible to translate to paper. We'll see about the note. I will probably leave something for sure. I agree, they would be sad whether i died 20 years from now or today, I should't have to suffer to keep them not sad. It is my life after all and I chose years ago I wanted to end it. I thought about choosing a method that looks like an accident, but my method is definitely something everyone will know that I did on purpose.

 

[Avyn]

Absolutely. I have a lot to say, but my depression and anxiety make it impossible to translate to paper. We'll see about the note. I will probably leave something for sure. I agree, they would be sad whether i died 20 years from now or today, I should't have to suffer to keep them not sad. It is my life after all and I chose years ago I wanted to end it. I thought about choosing a method that looks like an accident, but my method is definitely something everyone will know that I did on purpose.

It's hard to put your feelings into words, I understand, it's normal. You have enough time to decide what you want to do and write! I hope you get the courage soon and find peace in whatever you decide to do. <3
We're always here for you and if you need someone to talk to you can always message me (:

 

[JB3567]

I truly hope the ending is soon. Thank you, we all push through pain no one knows or could understand. Let it all be over soon. I have tried to write a note a million times, I don't know where to start, it could be a book, and while it may comfort them, no note could make them feel better. I'm leaning towards just a really short note just telling them it's not their fault

I reflected a bit, whether it's worth it to write a detailed note verses a short. I even got half way through one and tore it up because I realized know matter how much effort I put into trying to explain things so they have some sort of understanding will only lead to misinterpretations. I figured it's best to write a short because know one can truly understand unless they have been in yours shoes. I feel like either way they will still have the "what ifs" or "what they could have done" regardless how long the note is

 

[deathisnear]

I reflected a bit, whether it's worth it to write a detailed note verses a short. I even got half way through one and tore it up because I realized know matter how much effort I put into trying to explain things so they have some sort of understanding will only lead to misinterpretations. I figured it's best to write a short because know one can truly understand unless they have been in yours shoes. I feel like either way they will still have the "what ifs" or "what they could have done" regardless how long the note is

Totally agree, leaning towards a shoter note as well because of all the reasons you mentioned

 

[WorthlessCoward]

I can't understand you at all since my family is one of the main if not the main reasons I feel this way, but I hope we both find the courage to cease

 

[loneliestman]

I actually don't need courage to CTB. I am not nervous and even excited at the thought of CTB and finally getting the peace I've seeked for so long. The courage I need is to let everyone else down. Letting my family down, I know they will be devestated and it's kept me here for a lifetime. I am tired. I am tired of fighting and battling through my anxiety and depression and other shit. I have wanted to CTB for years and I've stayed for everyone else. I can only hope I get the courage soon to do what's right for me and end all this.

Don't take this the wrong way. I mean no offence, it's just an observation. And I'm really not trying to talk you out of any plans you may have, I hope you think about them deeply and that you do what you feel is best for you and those that you love. You seem a little contradictory in your post. Titled "I hope I can get the courage"
And you go on to say that you you want to find the courage to let everyone down.

It doesn't take much courage to let people down. We do it to each other every day. It does however take courage to talk openly and honestly to explain the feelings and experiences you are going through with those same people. It's takes courage to be patient and understanding of their prospective and their lack of understanding or empathy towards your mental and emotional situation. They may not understand your reasons for wanting to CTB or understand how to help you with overcoming or managing your depression, anxiety and other issues. But I believe the courageous thing to do is to give them that opportunity, not to rob them of it.
Lots of suicidal people say that they are living for the sake of others and I get that. I too have said the same thing. I even fear the torment and upset that I will leave behind when I do eventually go. Like you, I currently believe that I will go by my own actions at some point. But I also recognise that that torment and upset will be harder to come to terms with because they couldn't help when they were asked, or simply didn't know how to. I stopped asking after a while and instead waited to see if they would ask me about things, I'm still waiting. Guess they need to find the courage too, maybe their afraid of the answers. In my experience, people who have not suffered trauma, anxiety or depression have no understanding of it and certainly don't know how to talk to someone who suffers from any or all of them.
Clearly you are an empath, you are placing what you believe to be your ultimate goal of CTB on hold so as not to hurt the ones you'll leave behind, the ones you love and whom it seems love you. I hope that you continue to be courageous and that you continue to fight through this life for yourself mostly but also for everyone in your life.
If you do decide to leave, I would recommend a note explaining in as much detail as you can. There'll be a lot of what ifs like you rightly said. If writing is a struggle then leave a video or voice recording explaining what you couldn't put into words on paper.
Like I said at the start, I'm not trying to talk you in or out of anything. I'm just here to chat with like minded broken people. But that said I hope you don't it. I hope none of us do. In this life we all get to make our own choices but with choices like this we don't get to choose the consequences after we're gone.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from existing as there certainly does seem to be no peace from suffering in this cruel world, I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you are searching for.