Discussion I honestly lost control, i did what i thought was real at the time, in my delusions, but it has wrecked my life

[nosoul]

I was a bad son for not following through with my career. I just wanted time off, but then had major manic episode.

I truly felt the Trumpet was my calling, the instrument the angels play. And I really was for brief periods playing at a supernatural level, magnitudes more powerful and beautiful. But fate has dealt me a cruel hand.

chasing my talent and my dream has physically ruined me and now I'm without any feelings or soul, sleep or ability to even eat and enjoy food.

but the damage from psych meds ruined me, suffered from tremors after a particularly bad hospitalization. I felt a resurgence with cannabis and psychedelics. But I went too far and I'm now unable to sleep and eat. It has not been long but I can feel the serious damage I caused. I am sadly a zombie with some remaining social skills.

I'm pretty sure ctb is the answer to end my mental decline, I am anxious and depressed but worst is I'm void of feelings and emotions.

I say all this because if there is judgement on the other side, I hope I can make the case that it was in good faith that I tried to do something for good but went to far and was sadly a delusion.

Like Robin Williams, in anticipation of his condition worsening, I also wish to ctb, because I feel a true hopelessness and decline, which is already happening. I did not do the good he has done, but I've never been an evil person, and I tried hard, except for now.

Do you think there is forgiveness and understanding on the other side? If we meet the Creator, can it spare me for ctb? I feel my time will come soon,but I fear, can I end up in a worse place?

It's amazing, if you get physically ill,the sympathy and compassion you receive is incredible. But mental illness, even my own family wants nothing to do with me, will send some money, and my dad wants for me to go on, but it is also his liberal use of mental hospitals that helped put me in this predicament, but I can't blame him, I was out of control at times.

What say you about forgiveness on the other side if any?

I do feel guilt and regret not having had a family, with a long life etc. But I am now without this chance and am tortured by my daily existence.

I hope there is love and compassion on the other side. I'd like to see my mother again if possible. But this torture that I brought on myself. It was to try to heal, not destroy myself. And soon, it will be the end.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally believe that we just cease to exist once we exit this world, death is finally the end to all the suffering that existing brings and to me the idea that there is anything else is just a fictional concept. But anyway it sounds really horrible and tiring what you've been through and it's just so awful how life can very easily get much worse. This world is the only hell that exists.

 

[phrog21]

I would recommend trying to drop pot if you're experiencing delusions that are going out of control. even though its really simple to say, pot is a psychedelic and the constant abuse of it pushes some to psychosis. my personal experience of smoking less has made the world seem a lot brighter when im not high at least. i miss the good type of high when everything was fun and not confusing

 

[nekrocis]

i believe u live on after u die, u live somewhere far away with others who have passed. i hope it is a place free of judgement, i hope it is a place that can give suffering souls a break and a chance to finally be at peace. all i can do is hope.