Discussion I haven't told many people this, honest opinions please.

[GentleJerk]

This is something kind of personal and embarrassing, so I wasn't going to bring it up on this forum, but I've had a think about it and I would like to hear what some honest opinions are on this. I don't know any of you irl and I'm going to die soon, so I'm ok sharing it. It also goes into light detail about me losing my virginity, so *spoiler alert and trigger warning* and what not, leave now if that's something you don't care to read about.

I was taken advantage of, actually I'm going to say raped, by a 22 year old woman when I was just turning 15. At such a young age it left a big impact and I think it might have messed me up in some ways- although not dramatically, as it was not the same sort of serious rape that many people think of when they hear the word.

I've always been conflicted about it, there are some factors which I think made it less of a "bad" thing. The first, and most conflicting, is the fact that I'm a male, and she was a female who was quite attractive, I thought. Then there's the age difference, in my country the legal age for consent is 16 so I wasn't terribly underage, and she was only 6 or so years older than me. Of course I was still practically a child and I saw her as an adult, but not the same sort of completely mature adult like a parent for instance. I'd had boy-crushes on women older than her, like my science teacher.

However, it was still something that happened rather against my wishes. She was very pushy and I was afraid, not afraid as in fearing for my safety or anything, but scared of doing this thing which I wasn't really ready for. In fact I did try to refuse multiple times. Losing your virginity is such a big deal and at that age, the uh, bits n pieces aren't exactly fully grown yet, so I also had some shyness about my body... But she knew this and very much tried to reassure me, saying that none of that matters at all, and she just wanted to teach me everything and show me I had nothing to be afraid of.

I liked her a lot but I still didn't really want to do it, we didn't have any protection so that was another big thing that made me want to say no, but she showed me the Implanon in her arm to prevent pregnancy, and must have spent at least an hour coercing me. It got to a point where she became sort of emotional and upset, actually making me feel quite bad about it, I still wouldn't agree to do it but we ended up making out. At first.

Then one thing led to another, after making out for probably a lot longer than normal, she put her hand down my pants. I immediately went into a mini panic and sort of tried to stop her and say no, but she kept saying "it's ok, don't worry, please, please, let me show you it's fine" etc. In my head I was freaking out, but I ended up letting my guard down, and all the rest followed. That's how I lost my virginity.

After it happened, I was in a daze but I felt amazing and on top of the world. I instantly fell in love with her. We dated secretly for about 2-3 weeks. I would write a small note every single day, a different reason why I loved her. My friend showed me a video that she took of her in tears, claiming that nobody had ever said such beautiful things to her and she didn't deserve me. I thought things were going well, then she disappeared interstate without warning, leaving me heartbroken. I also found out about a month later that I had contracted an STD, but luckily it was one of those easily cured ones.

So much changed after this, I'm still a very affectionate person, though I was never able to show the same level of affection again to any of my future partners, but I'm sure that's pretty common. I lost a lot of innocence but I think that's common too, only I feel the level of innocence I lost was greater than normal. I wanted to be with her forever but after this happened I felt used and for a while, I would feel as if relationships are sort of... not meant to be serious, or worth investing in too deeply. I started having serious commitment issues. And I won't go into the effect it had on me sexually, but I will mention that I don't think it was very positive. One of my friends at the time even gawked at me and thought I was lucky, but especially as I got older, I began to realize that what happened to me is not really normal, and it had some detrimental effects.

Even if you don't comment, I feel better after putting this into words and getting it off my chest. But if any of you have any thoughts I'd love to hear them, especially the guys. Particularly, whether or not you think what happened to me qualifies as rape. If you've read this far, I just want to say that you have an attention span even better than mine, and thank you.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Yes, that's rape. My friend in high school had a girl that was crazy for him (same age) and I along with our mutual friend group pressured him into just going ahead and doing it even though he didn't like her. I'm sure it made trouble for her and I know it made trouble for him because he talked about how he really wanted to save himself for someone special. At the time we congratulated him but now I know it wasn't what he wanted.

I hear what you say about relationship and bonding issues frequently. It's like successive relationships become more and more shallow. I am sorry that this happened to you. I used to think like back when that others losing their virginity were lucky but now I feel lucky that no one wanted me because I surely would have relented despite my professions of disinterest.

I think that aging also has the effect of removing the bloom from the rose as well so I bet some of your feelings would naturally occur anyway. As far as that lady, I'm guessing it was just a thrill for her, considering she left without a trace. It's easier said than done but have you tried to re-orient like that experience was non-existent? It's unfortunate to think that that lady gets your biggest emotional investment of your life.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm really sorry that happened. No one should have to go through that. Rape is rape, no matter your ages. And it turned rape after you said no and she continued. Forcing, pressuring, coercing others into sex is wrong. Boundaries should be respected. It easily makes the victim feel like saying no is futile or that their feelings don't matter.

Tbh, I've never told this to anyone, but I've had some women behave really sexually and badly towards me in a way no man would be allowed to. I had a teacher who once spread her legs on the table in a sexual way and asked the students how it made them feel. I've had a female doctor/psychiatrist suddenly start speaking about her genitals out of nowhere. I'm just sitting there and suddenly she starts speaking about her vaginas and all.

Imagine if a man suddenly started to speak about his dick to his female patients, he would be fired instantly. But even though there were multiple people in the room, everyone just stayed quiet and allowed the woman to sexually harass me and talk about her vagina. And how could I report it as sexual harassment when I had a group of witnesses with me, witnesses who just stayed quiet and watched her do and say those things? And because that person was a doctor/psychiatrist, she would have just lied and called me crazy or schizophrenic or manic liar.

No wonder psychiatrists are often bad people. They can rape and do whatever they want to their victims and if the victim dares to speak about it they'll just call the victim crazy or scizophrenic and throw them into a mental jail.

It makes me wish I lived on a planet without genders, sexes, genitals. I want a human race with no genitals or genders or sex.

Have you noticed how 99% of people speak? It's just "tits, balls, penis, dick, erection, boner, hateboner, hard, cum, boobs, man, woman" over and over again. People always have to sexualize everything, always bring genitals and genital functions to everything, always gender everything. I hate it.

It's good you were able to write about your experience. I hope no one will ever try to rape you again. I hope you can stay safe.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

She pressured and tricked you, and made moves without your explicit approval. That is unquestionably rape.

 

[indigomoon]

First off, I am so sorry that you went through something like that. That was definitely rape. I used to work as a Sexual Assault Examiner in a hospital. Just because you are male does not diminish the fact that this was against your will. Men can be raped. It doesn't happen as often but it still occurs. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to get that off your chest. If you need any resources on how to deal with what you went through or have any questions, please message me. I'll do what I can. Please don't beat yourself up for how you feel about what happened. There are no right or wrong feelings.

 

[whatevs]

Seems like 50% abuse to me. Half consensual, half-forced. She obviously used and damaged you. There's something predatory and sick about wanting to fuck a teenager when you aren't one, especially if you disappear afterwards. Something different would be the rare communion of the souls etc and staying together for life.

I'm glad you shared this here, this forum is basically for this kind of thing, alongside methods and actually killing yourself you can also vent anything you think has to do with your suicidality.

 

[HangmanCH]

I am extremely sorry that happened.
Rape tended to be stereotypically related to cohesion with physical violence, and male to female. But many sexual offenses are conducted by seduction or some psychological manipulation. And it seems that you have been both physically and psychologically affected (like STD and the ability to love). You have definitely experienced a traumatic event and I am really happy to see you sharing your feelings in this thread.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

This absolutely counts as rape, and it still would count even if there had been no age gap. No should always mean no and even if you had somehow physically been able to stop her it doesn't mean it's your fault. The fact she did not disclose the possibility to spread an sti is also something that anyone can agree is not okay too not to mention the psychological damage she left by doing this and then leaving without a word.

As a guy I can also see why you might feel conflicted about it especially if she was physically attractive and many guys in their teens often tend to fantasize about attractive older women. I can imagine you must have felt afraid of receiving comments like "nice" or "why is that a bad thing" and the fear of whether or not they're right could have been something to struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong but that's just what I'm assuming you might have thought. Even though I'm a near-30 year old virgin though I don't envy you in the slightest and I'm just as sorry for what happened to you as any reasonable person should feel. I hope you feel better now that you've shared this and I hope you can get any help you need for this too.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I wish adults would just leave teens alone, even young adults. I'm sorry you got robbed of a healthy first sexual experience/relationship.

 

[GentleJerk]

@PreussenBlueJay it's funny how these things happen so nonchalantly sometimes but they leave a definite impact for years to come. Maybe even for life.

And yes the bonding issues are extremely insidious. It subtly affected me for years but I eventually felt as if I had forgotten all about it, and was quite well adjusted. I didn't think about her any more or get upset at all. Turns out I wasn't so well adjusted though. I had a couple of long-term relationships since then. I might be permanently affected by it, this became obvious when I was 21 and able to drop a partner of over 3 years who I thought I had committed to, because apparently even after 3 years I had not dived deeper than a surface level superficial relationship in my own mind. I deeply regretted doing that, and wished I could take it back.

I seem to thwart my own happiness, and It's reprehensible. I really want more than anything to redeem myself and show someone the true love and commitment I am capable of giving, I feel like the right person is all it would take and I would do it the right way if I had another chance, but I might be emotionally handicapped and I don't even realize it.

Rape is rape, no matter your ages. And it turned rape after you said no and she continued. Forcing, pressuring, coercing others into sex is wrong. Boundaries should be respected.

I have the same opinion when considering almost every other non-consensual sex I've been told about. But sadly when I hear about these, it's always a female and the situation is usually more serious. I've never met another man who has had this happen. I've had a couple of friends tell me something happened to them where they did not give consent, and I always consider it to be rape. So I'm not really sure why I don't feel entirely the same way about what happened to me.

Tbh, I've never told this to anyone, but I've had some women behave really sexually and badly towards me in a way no man would be allowed to. I had a teacher who once spread her legs on the table in a sexual way and asked the students how it made them feel. I've had a female doctor/psychiatrist suddenly start speaking about her genitals out of nowhere. I'm just sitting there and suddenly she starts speaking about her vaginas and all.

Imagine if a man suddenly started to speak about his dick to his female patients, he would be fired instantly.

Tbf those women do deserve to be fired, especially if they did that to children, and I'm certain that even though no one complained and she was able to get away with it, if her superiors found out she'd be canned in an instant. But I can sort of understand where you're coming from.

It might be part of the damage that was done to me by this, but I wonder if some of that double standard has to do with the way nature works, and certain factors like, for instance, men are often physically stronger than females, so those type of non-consensual encounters might involve more physical intimidation rather than just the seduction and manipulation involved in mine. I also can't help but feel as if the anatomy might also have something to do with it- without getting too detailed, it seems to me somewhat more difficult for a man to engage in sex the way I did completely against his will.

@WrongPlaceWrongTime you are probably right, and it might be part of the damage when I struggle to really accept this. A part of me always says that maybe, she could tell that deep down I really did want this, but I was just young and super shy, and needed a lot of encouragement or something. The fact that I eventually became comfortable and did not wind up feeling like I had been violated completely against my will afterwards makes it hard too.

Seems like 50% abuse to me. Half consensual, half-forced. She obviously used and damaged you. There's something predatory and sick about wanting to fuck a teenager when you aren't one, especially if you disappear afterwards. Something different would be the rare communion of the souls etc and staying together for life.

Thank you for your opinion, I know some might not agree that there could be such a thing as '50% abuse' but I actually kind of feel this way, like it wasn't completely wrong. Personally, I'm physically attracted to people my own age or younger, but not significantly younger, a few years tops. I think even if I was 8 years younger, a 15 yr old is definitely not right, even though 16 is the legal age, but I believe I was quite the mature 15 year old. Psychologically though, I'm attracted to older women. Again, a few years tops, not significantly older.

I kept my relationship with her secret from my family, but my grandmother did meet her once, we played it of as just friends. My grandmother was clearly not impressed because she was quite a bit older, and a goth, so she made it obvious that she would not approve if something was happening. Some of her friends expressed to her that they thought I was too young, but she would always defend. So when she disappeared I think she knew it wasn't going to last, and people around us didn't really approve. She probably knew I was hugely invested in her and maybe leaving without a warning or explaination might be less painful than telling me she wanted to break up. I'll probably never know.

As a guy I can also see why you might feel conflicted about it especially if she was physically attractive and many guys in their teens often tend to fantasize about attractive older women. I can imagine you must have felt afraid of receiving comments like "nice" or "why is that a bad thing" and the fear of whether or not they're right could have been something to struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong but that's just what I'm assuming you might have thought.

Oh man, you're spot on about that. None of my friends saw anything even the least bit questionable about it, and I did get the "you lucky fox" treatment when she was at my house while my friends were around. I was completely out of my depth and going through some heavy shit that I wasn't really ready for, and there wasn't a single friend of mine that would understand. It's not like I bagged me an older lady or something, it was all her. I was way too shy and reserved to try anything, not just because I was still so young, but also because she was older and fully... uh, developed 6-7 years difference doesnt mean much once we are adults, but at that age the difference is huge.

The STD would definitely be something she didn't know she had, the doctor told me people can commonly have it for years with no symptoms and not know it. Otherwise that would change everything and make it way, way worse.

I wish adults would just leave teens alone, even young adults. I'm sorry you got robbed of a healthy first sexual experience/relationship.

Thank you- I never really payed close attention to this aspect but I think you hit the nail on the head. It has to do with this being my first relationship and experience. I have this weird uncertainty and I tell myself that maybe what happened was healthy and fine because I was just a young man who needed a bit of encouragement to get over his initial fear, and as a sort reserved person losing my virginity was probably never going to be completely comfortable, etc..

Maybe it wasn't as bad as what some people go through. However when you say this, and I think about it, I have no doubts that I would be much more well adjusted if I had my first experience when I was ready, completely on my own terms with someone closer to my own age and maybe less daunting.