I have trouble reading people due to my mental health stuff. How do I know if my friend is a real friend?

[HeckingHecked]

I met her like a week ago at therapy. She hugged me after I talked about my issues, and we've been talking. It's impossible for me to read her. Like, she seems like she's masking when she's around me.
When we talk on call, she seems disinterested, and very rarely changes her facial expressions. Maybe it's just a resting bitch face, or autism? She has expressed to me that she feels like she can be herself around me.

The first few days of when we started talking, she was texting me constantly, but now it more or less stopped.

She barely talks to me when others are around at therapy, but we had a really long, heartfelt conversation about life last night.

She made a plan to hang out with me outside of therapy this week, before me asking.

Is there any way that I can indirectly see if she's a real friend?

 

[Samsara]

Hey HeckingHecked,

This is a tricky question because we never truly can know someone else's intentions. But it sounds like it's bothering you, so why not have an open friendly discussion about it? Something like, "hey X, I've sometimes had a little difficulty reading you. Sometimes I've gotten the sense you're disinterested in me, but I know I could definitely be wrong. What are your thoughts about that?"

 

[ascetic_]

I agree with the above advice - be upfront and honest.

That's one of the signs of a true friendship - that you can be honest with one another without judgment or having a fallout.

 

[HeckingHecked]

Hey HeckingHecked,

This is a tricky question because we never truly can know someone else's intentions. But it sounds like it's bothering you, so why not have an open friendly discussion about it? Something like, "hey X, I've sometimes had a little difficulty reading you. Sometimes I've gotten the sense you're disinterested in me, but I know I could definitely be wrong. What are your thoughts about that?"

The thing is - I did. She says it's nothing, and that she just has trouble with showing emotion. I just - I have a hard time believing that due to past experience with other people.

 

[Smart No More]

I thi k that's really good advice too. I think I would add that it's good to be aware that it takes a good couple of years to really get to know somebody. There can be a bit of a honeymoon period and then a dropping off point as you both adjust to coming down of that initial high. It doesn't always meen anything bad. It's just natural because you/we can't always been on that high as it always needs that extra incremental hit which is enevitably going to reach a peak and therefore a comedown. I think that is probably when you really start to learn about each other. It happens in all kinds of relationships. Especially when they start in those kind of circumstances and develope quickly as it's just so nice to meet someone who expresses and understands the same things as you. Hope it works out for you! :)

 

[Samsara]

I wonder if, to sate your curiosity, it might be worth re-initiating the conversation to ask what she makes of the fluctuations in how interested her behavior suggests she is in you (regardless of whether these feelings seem romantic or platonic). And gently prod her if she denies these things with your observations and ask what she makes of that?

 

[HeckingHecked]

I wonder if, to sate your curiosity, it might be worth re-initiating the conversation to ask what she makes of the fluctuations in how interested her behavior suggests she is in you (regardless of whether these feelings seem romantic or platonic). And gently prod her if she denies these things with your observations and ask what she makes of that?

I've asked her quite a few times. Idk. Just having a friend seems like an unobtainable fantasy. If she wants to hang out with me, does that mean she's genuine?

I thi k that's really good advice too. I think I would add that it's good to be aware that it takes a good couple of years to really get to know somebody. There can be a bit of a honeymoon period and then a dropping off point as you both adjust to coming down of that initial high. It doesn't always meen anything bad. It's just natural because you/we can't always been on that high as it always needs that extra incremental hit which is enevitably going to reach a peak and therefore a comedown. I think that is probably when you really start to learn about each other. It happens it all kinds of relationships. Especially when they start in those kind of circumstances and develope quickly as it's just so nice to meet someone who expresses and understands the same things as you. Hope it works out for you! :)

Ah. Very good point. Thank you. I honestly would just kill myself if it turns out she doesn't care about the friendship as much as i do.

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

The thing is - I did. She says it's nothing, and that she just has trouble with showing emotion. I just - I have a hard time believing that due to past experience with other people.

This is so so hard to feel, I'm sorry. I don't have any advice on surefire ways to know, but my genuine gut-feeling read is real friend. I think having on and off days with talking, emoting, and being present can be easily chalked up to mental illness, or even just being human! I wouldn't take any of those as immediate red flags, and I don't think any of them are about you. Whereas long phonecalls and initiating plans does center around your relationship and seems really positive and nice.

 

[Samsara]

I've asked her quite a few times. Idk. Just having a friend seems like an unobtainable fantasy. If she wants to hang out with me, does that mean she's genuine?

Ah. Very good point. Thank you. I honestly would just kill myself if it turns out she doesn't care about the friendship as much as i do.

I've asked her quite a few times. Idk. Just having a friend seems like an unobtainable fantasy. If she wants to hang out with me, does that mean she's genuine?

Ah. Very good point. Thank you. I honestly would just kill myself if it turns out she doesn't care about the friendship as much as i do.

Hey again HeckingHecked,

It saddens me I get the sense traumatic experiences from your past have led you to yearn for a true friend. I re-read your original post and noticed you specifically requested an INDIRECT method of seeing whether she's a 'genuine friend'. This made me wonder 2 things:

1) What is the purpose of going out of your way to indirectly figure this out? Although, the answer and rationale might depend on your response to #2 below.

2) What is a real friend, to you? When you imagine discovering her to be a real friend, what qualities or images come to mind? MUST a 'real friend' have these specific qualities in the way you imagined, or could a real friend mean something different?

 

[HeckingHecked]

This is so so hard to feel, I'm sorry. I don't have any advice on surefire ways to know, but my genuine gut-feeling read is real friend. I think having on and off days with talking, emoting, and being present can be easily chalked up to mental illness, or even just being human! I wouldn't take any of those as immediate red flags, and I don't think any of them are about you. Whereas long phonecalls and initiating plans does center around your relationship and seems really positive and nice.

That's true, even if it sometimes sucks to text first. Thank you :)

Hey again HeckingHecked,

It saddens me I get the sense traumatic experiences from your past have led you to yearn for a true friend. I re-read your original post and noticed you specifically requested an INDIRECT method of seeing whether she's a 'genuine friend'. This made me wonder 2 things:

1) What is the purpose of going out of your way to indirectly figure this out? Although, the answer and rationale might depend on your response to #2 below.

2) What is a real friend, to you? When you imagine discovering her to be a real friend, what qualities or images come to mind? MUST a 'real friend' have these specific qualities in the way you imagined, or could a real friend mean something different?

A real friend has to be consistent, honest, and actually like talking to me.

 

[Samsara]

That's true, even if it sometimes sucks to text first. Thank you :)

A real friend has to be consistent, honest, and actually like talking to me.

Maybe when you ask her about it again, simply tell her what you've told us. Explain that those 3 qualities are important to you because of your past experiences, which is why you're so curious about how she feels inwardly. Ask her to be open with you in language and conversation, verbally, if she has difficulty expressing her emotions non-verbally. Does that sound like a good idea?

 

[HeckingHecked]

Maybe when you ask her about it again, simply tell her what you've told us. Explain that those 3 qualities are important to you because of your past experiences, which is why you're so curious about how she feels inwardly. Ask her to be open with you in language and conversation, verbally, if she has difficulty expressing her emotions non-verbally. Does that sound like a good idea?

It does sound good. Thank you!

 

[Someone123]

I met her like a week ago at therapy. She hugged me after I talked about my issues, and we've been talking. It's impossible for me to read her. Like, she seems like she's masking when she's around me.
When we talk on call, she seems disinterested, and very rarely changes her facial expressions. Maybe it's just a resting bitch face, or autism? She has expressed to me that she feels like she can be herself around me.

The first few days of when we started talking, she was texting me constantly, but now it more or less stopped.

She barely talks to me when others are around at therapy, but we had a really long, heartfelt conversation about life last night.

She made a plan to hang out with me outside of therapy this week, before me asking.

Is there any way that I can indirectly see if she's a real friend?

In my opinion if she's not putting you down or purposely making you feel like you aren't good enough, she's a real friend, Being stressed and imperfect in communication skills doesn't mean they aren't a friend. Overall intent is what matters, in my opinion, are they trying to be decent to you overall? I think she is a real friend, but she just may find groups of people difficult to navigate. Social awkwardness doesn't mean someone doesn't care, and she seems to care.

 

[HeckingHecked]

In my opinion if she's not putting you down or purposely making you feel like you aren't good enough, she's a real friend, Being stressed and imperfect in communication skills doesn't mean they aren't a friend. Overall intent is what matters, in my opinion, are they trying to be decent to you overall? I think she is a real friend, but she just may find groups of people difficult to navigate. Social awkwardness doesn't mean someone doesn't care, and she seems to care.

Yeah, that is a good point. She hasn't been anywhere close to rude to me, but in a group setting, her attention is definitely split. I've also been told multiple times that this isn't intentional.

 

[Smart No More]

It's good to be honest with her but be mindful of being over bearing. There's a point when you will appear needy and push her away.
Don't let insecurities ruin things.

 

[HeckingHecked]

It's good to be honest with her but be mindful of being over bearing. There's a point when you will appear needy and push her away.
Don't let insecurities ruin things.

If someone doesn't seem trustworthy, I'll call them out.

 

[Smart No More]

That's fair enough. I would commend that. I'm just saying, if you're struggling to read somebody it's easy to assume the worst. Not sure if you're familiar with the concept of a self fulfilling prophecy. Basically means you make your fears reality by assuming they exist and acting accordingly.

 

[HeckingHecked]

That's fair enough. I would commend that. I'm just saying, if you're struggling to read somebody it's easy to assume the worst. Not sure if you're familiar with the concept of a self fulfilling prophecy. Basically means you make your fears reality by assuming they exist and acting accordingly.

Ah true

 

[$nowLeopard]

lThe thing is - I did. She says it's nothing, and that she just has trouble with showing emotion. I just - I have a hard time believing that due to past experience with other people.

Maybe she's a bit dumb + bit of Autism