Discussion I HAVE to leave them behind....It crushes me heart :(

[Dawn0071111]

I have a husband who is going to be be devastated by my death. It crushes me to think of it, but I still must go. The fact that I could do such a thing proves that I just need to get off this planet. I know he is worried, he knows about the ideation. The only thing I can do is make things as pleasant as I can till I board the bus. I'm so sad. I wish I wasn;t such a mentally weak person to stick it out.

I find myself saying to myself: "... I have been through hell in this life, and until now I have managed to get through it, once I'm dead this will be a perfect opportunity for them to pracitce everything they encouraged me to do. It will make them stronger. They will triumph over thier suffering. My death will cause them to ask serious questions about life and they will grow.

Who are you leaving behind that you know will be devastated, yet thier trauma is not enough to stop you from boarding the bus?

 

[Thanatos]

I'll be leaving my parents and older brother among some friends

 

[Rachel74]

My partner and my dogs and while my dogs are still alive I aim to stick around. My dads in his 80s now and understands me.

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

My dog.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Wife, in-laws in Thailand - Mom, sister, brother, nephews, niece in US.
Some very close friends spread out in Indiana, California, Alaska, Thailand, S Korea, Florida, Saudi, Hawaii, Ecuador to name a few...

The consideration of causing any/all of them pain feels as horrible as the act itself, but...(as many of us realize) their love and support just isn't enough, sadly.

Their wishes to help are beyond appreciated but they just can't imagine the painful depths of this...

 

[Sooniwontbehuman]

I have a husband who is going to be be devastated by my death. It crushes me to think of it, but I still must go. The fact that I could do such a thing proves that I just need to get off this planet. I know he is worried, he knows about the ideation. The only thing I can do is make things as pleasant as I can till I board the bus. I'm so sad. I wish I wasn;t such a mentally weak person to stick it out.

Who are you leaving behind that you know will be devastated, yet thier trauma is not enough to stop you from boarding the bus?

You aren't weak. It's difficult for the people around us, and its difficult to leave them, but when it's time, it is time. I still only have my family, parents and 2 siblings. And I have trouble thinking about how hard it will be on them, both financially and mentally. I know I will leave them, and it hurts me knowing I will hurt them, but Someday I am going to crack and my fear and guilt won't be enough to stop me. I give my love to you and your husband, I hope things go as peaceful as they can l.

 

[Donewith_]

I have a husband who is going to be be devastated by my death. It crushes me to think of it, but I still must go. The fact that I could do such a thing proves that I just need to get off this planet. I know he is worried, he knows about the ideation. The only thing I can do is make things as pleasant as I can till I board the bus. I'm so sad. I wish I wasn;t such a mentally weak person to stick it out.

I find myself saying to myself: "... I have been through hell in this life, and until now I have managed to get through it, once I'm dead this will be a perfect opportunity for them to pracitce everything they encouraged me to do. It will make them stronger. They will triumph over thier suffering. My death will cause them to ask serious questions about life and they will grow.

Who are you leaving behind that you know will be devastated, yet thier trauma is not enough to stop you from boarding the bus?

You have a husband? But in the other thread you made.. you said you wanted someone to love you..?

I remember you from that thread.. coz the things you wrote there hit me hard.

 

[Jean4]

I look at it as putting a pet to sleep when it is time. It is the greatest gift you can give them. Yes, there is nothing worse on the survivor.

However, the survivor gets over the pain of the death eventually, and moves on. The survivor also realizes that it was the right thing to do and it would be selfish to have kept the pet (or individual) there, and keeping an animal/person on this earth when it is time to go is because of their own selfishness. Not what is best for the pet/individual.

 

[Dawn0071111]

My partner and my dogs and while my dogs are still alive I aim to stick around. My dads in his 80s now and understands me.

Wow, yes animals are hard to leave there is such a bond. Glad you have someone in your life that understands you. :)

My dog.

Do you plan on finding him/her a new home?

You aren't weak. It's difficult for the people around us, and its difficult to leave them, but when it's time, it is time. I still only have my family, parents and 2 siblings. And I have trouble thinking about how hard it will be on them, both financially and mentally. I know I will leave them, and it hurts me knowing I will hurt them, but Someday I am going to crack and my fear and guilt won't be enough to stop me. I give my love to you and your husband, I hope things go as peaceful as they can l.

Thank you. Yes, I have to remember that we all have a time. It just that I know suicide carries a special kind of guilt that I dont want them to carry..... Or at least my husband. He has been a saint in all of my madness.

You have a husband? But in the other thread you made.. you said you wanted someone to love you..?

I remember you from that thread.. coz the things you wrote there hit me hard.

I have posted about my situation in bits and pieces sine I got here and I figured it would get lost in translation. So I have been in a sexless, loveless (from my part) marriage since 2012. I married him because I settled. We were both depressed. Last summer, I asked him to open the marriage, i went out and met someone who devastaed me..so traumatically that I can't recover. I am a bad person, because my husband has stood by my side through it all, but I don't have any romantic feelings for him. No chemistry, never have never will. Essentially, I have been/felt alone in spite of his care for me ( I don't think his love towards me was perfect either...) So yeah, thats why I know I'm defective. i seem to only be able to bond with abusers or people who don't want me and I AM FUCKING SICK OF THAT SHIT. I don't feel or experince love/bonding/coneection like other people--or at least I don't think I do. I'm not trying to do years of therapy to fix it either. My parent shoudl have done thier job, now its too late- at least thats my perspective. So yeah, imagine being in my position, and writing what I did. I guess just anyones love won't cut it. Every night I still cry myself to sleep over the guy from last summer. But Im gonna fix all of it soon. :(

 

[Rachel74]

My grandad hunt himself in the 60s and my family and especially my mom and my nan carried the guilt around. He wasn't even allowed to be buried on consummated ground. My nan blamed herself and attempted suicide several times.
My mom when I got ill had to distance herself from me as she knew what could happen. It affected my mom who found him hanging.

 

[Baskol1]

I will probably not die as long my dog is still alive.

 

[Astral316]

I have nobody... if I did it'd probably make me reconsider.

When my immediate family hears about it they'll probably get off on it. No kidding.

 

[Donewith_]

@Dawn0071111
I'm sorry to hear that.
Firstly..you are not defective
And its not your fault if you happen to connect more with abusive people.. it is related to ..that if you have trauma from before or from childhood..and it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself.

You are a victim of it.. who tend to go towards people with similar behaviors.
I know how it happens.
And any of this 'can't' make you a bad person. I can understand how exhausting this all can get..
You are suffering from all of this..not being to connect with people emotionally will have a lot of negative impact on you.

Sorry if its personal.. i asked coz i remembered somethings well from there.. i did not forget.it hit me very hard.
Hope things may turn out in a better way for you..or if you choose the other way, hope you find your peace.