Venting I have to leave my job eventually to chase my dream

[SomewhatLoved]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I've come to the conclusion that if I really ever want to achieve my dream the way I would like to, I have to leave my job sooner or later.

My dream is to get married to someone who I really, truly love. I know this type of dream is never guaranteed and that good people sometimes just don't find their soulmate but I think if I can't go through with suicide (which I seem unable to do), I should at least try to pursue my dream.

When I was 19 I started pursuing paramedicine. I had instructors tell me it would strain relationships and that it is a job which makes having a relationship difficult. Impossible? No, but difficult. Divorce rates are significantly higher among paramedics than the general public. You work long 12 hour days, nights, weekends, holidays... You will inevitably miss something sooner or later. Even on your days off, sometimes you are tired. Sometimes you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually being strained by something you saw. There is no "off" switch that allows you to just magically disconnect from and forget about work when you saw something horrific and you just want to come home to see your wife and hug her and eat dinner together. Maybe you have a shift the next day so there is very little time to relax. Maybe by the time you're off and get home your wife is already asleep. Often I get up and the sun hasn't risen and when I get home the sun has set. Sometimes the only time I see sun are at emergencies and I don't get to "enjoy" it in my own time.

I think it's possible to have a successful marriage and be a paramedic, but this job is and always will be a detractor from a relationship, and not anything else. My wife would have to share me with the world. I would have to give other people my compassion and attention, and I know some days I would come home emotionally exhausted and it would be difficult or even impossible to care for her and show affection. Sometimes this job just drains me of any energy I have to be emotional.

It's difficult, though. This job is kind of the only thing I have ever been good at and I don't really know what else I would do.

It is possible to go into paramedic education and be an instructor, I suppose I could be a casual employee and just pick up full-time hours of only day shifts during the week but then I would not have any benefits, pension, etc. I could also do management or go into a more policy/government -oriented position, but I hate sitting in a desk and the politics of management. I've never been much of a career person, but this is kind of the only thing that has ever felt "right" for me to do (even if that feeling has mostly gone away now).

I'm not sure if I can even get married in a healthy way. I have been mentally unwell since childhood and I know that this is also an obstacle. My understanding is that your childhood tends to define your life, and even if in some ways I could get better, I think in other ways I will always be diseased. But if I do have that opportunity, I want to love my wife fully. I don't want her to have to share me with the world or anybody or anything else. It would be unfair for her to have to feel unappreciated because I am out of emotional battery that day from dealing with other people's problems.

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I actually wanted a partner, I used to think the same sort of thing. Except my job is creative. But, same sort of thing- it can have crazy long hours. It can require all your attention. I used to be so obsessed with it too. Seeing as it is such a big part of who I was/ am, I thought I would have to be with someone else creative to fully understand that drive. It just looks ridiculous to most 'normal' people.

That I suppose could be a possibility for you- that you try to find someone in the same field or, a similar one- in the hopes that there would be more understanding. Still tricky though- if your schedules don't align. I guess it depends on how much you both want out of the relationship.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

It's a good and understandable goal you have. I worry, however, about severe disappointment coming your way. Marriage is a lot of work, as the saying goes, and involves a lot of self sacrifice, not getting your way, not being happy, putting up with incredibly hurtful things, for both people. To me, it's like becoming part of the hard working tough underpinnings of civilization. It's not for the faint of heart. Good luck (sincerely)!

 

[SomewhatLoved]

That I suppose could be a possibility for you- that you try to find someone in the same field or, a similar one- in the hopes that there would be more understanding. Still tricky though- if your schedules don't align. I guess it depends on how much you both want out of the relationship.

This is what I have thought. I think the only way I could stay in my career and be in a relationship is if I was with someone in the same job and on the exact same platoon/rotation. That way, we would both be on night shift at the same time. Otherwise, I would be away at least 2 nights a week and as such my partner would be sleeping alone during those nights. I don't like thinking about leaving a spouse like that :(

It's a good and understandable goal you have. I worry, however, about severe disappointment coming your way. Marriage is a lot of work, as the saying goes, and involves a lot of self sacrifice, not getting your way, not being happy, putting up with incredibly hurtful things, for both people. To me, it's like becoming part of the hard working tough underpinnings of civilization. It's not for the faint of heart. Good luck (sincerely)!

Thank you fore your kind wishes and warnings :)

 

[Daphne]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I've come to the conclusion that if I really ever want to achieve my dream the way I would like to, I have to leave my job sooner or later.

My dream is to get married to someone who I really, truly love. I know this type of dream is never guaranteed and that good people sometimes just don't find their soulmate but I think if I can't go through with suicide (which I seem unable to do), I should at least try to pursue my dream.

When I was 19 I started pursuing paramedicine. I had instructors tell me it would strain relationships and that it is a job which makes having a relationship difficult. Impossible? No, but difficult. Divorce rates are significantly higher among paramedics than the general public. You work long 12 hour days, nights, weekends, holidays... You will inevitably miss something sooner or later. Even on your days off, sometimes you are tired. Sometimes you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually being strained by something you saw. There is no "off" switch that allows you to just magically disconnect from and forget about work when you saw something horrific and you just want to come home to see your wife and hug her and eat dinner together. Maybe you have a shift the next day so there is very little time to relax. Maybe by the time you're off and get home your wife is already asleep. Often I get up and the sun hasn't risen and when I get home the sun has set. Sometimes the only time I see sun are at emergencies and I don't get to "enjoy" it in my own time.

I think it's possible to have a successful marriage and be a paramedic, but this job is and always will be a detractor from a relationship, and not anything else. My wife would have to share me with the world. I would have to give other people my compassion and attention, and I know some days I would come home emotionally exhausted and it would be difficult or even impossible to care for her and show affection. Sometimes this job just drains me of any energy I have to be emotional.

It's difficult, though. This job is kind of the only thing I have ever been good at and I don't really know what else I would do.

It is possible to go into paramedic education and be an instructor, I suppose I could be a casual employee and just pick up full-time hours of only day shifts during the week but then I would not have any benefits, pension, etc. I could also do management or go into a more policy/government -oriented position, but I hate sitting in a desk and the politics of management. I've never been much of a career person, but this is kind of the only thing that has ever felt "right" for me to do (even if that feeling has mostly gone away now).

I'm not sure if I can even get married in a healthy way. I have been mentally unwell since childhood and I know that this is also an obstacle. My understanding is that your childhood tends to define your life, and even if in some ways I could get better, I think in other ways I will always be diseased. But if I do have that opportunity, I want to love my wife fully. I don't want her to have to share me with the world or anybody or anything else. It would be unfair for her to have to feel unappreciated because I am out of emotional battery that day from dealing with other people's problems.

There's no guarantee of finding the perfect mate. You have more control over choosing the field you want to work in

 

[SomewhatLoved]

There's no guarantee of finding the perfect mate. You have more control over choosing the field you want to work in

My job doesn't really make me happy, though. Most days I dread going in to work. It's still rewarding some days, but it doesn't feel like much of a reason to live life. Sometimes I feel like it's destroying me.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

You are a really good husband! Whichever you choose your job or wife, I hope you find happiness in your life
Just my two cents, though it's a big decision to leave the job, please don't see it as an "investment" in your wife. This can lead to unrealistic expectations that she loves you much more than before and damage the relationships.

P.S. I've never had partners. So my opinion may be out of touch with reality.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

You are a really good husband! Whichever you choose your job or wife, I hope you find happiness in your life
Just my two cents, though it's a big decision to leave the job, please don't see it as an "investment" in your wife. This can lead to unrealistic expectations that she loves you much more than before and damage the relationships.

P.S. I've never had partners. So my opinion may be out of touch with reality.

I appreciate your reply :) and no, I think you're right.

I don't really see it as an investment in a partner specifically, moreso just that I would be leaving it to "reclaim" my life. The thing with my job is you work long hours, nights, weekends, holidays, and often the shit you deal with comes home with you. A lot of people in my profession have PTSD, depression, etc. Of course the ability to have a better relationship would be a benefit and probably the main one for me, but I think there are many other things that would be good. I get a more regular schedule, no repeated exposure to traumatic things, etc.

 

[Betsy007]

I'm not sure if I can even get married in a healthy way. I have been mentally unwell since childhood and I know that this is also an obstacle. My understanding is that your childhood tends to define your life, and even if in some ways I could get better, I think in other ways I will always be diseased.

This is pretty much me. It took me ages to figure out why I kept attracting one Mr. Wrong after another, and now I realize a marriage would never have worked out. I came close a couple times and I'm so grateful it fell apart. That drive to chase your "happily ever after" can be so all consuming. It does fade eventually. After a bad breakup, I reached that point of feeling ok alone and I just stayed there. If you're still looking for a soul mate, what I just said sounds like giving up and you're not at that point. Just know that if you never find "the one" it doesn't necessarily feel like a tragedy. I'm mostly indifferent and relieved not to have "find husband" on my to-do list anymore. I expected to feel much, much worse about it.