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notevenhere

notevenhere

Ghost Angel
Apr 27, 2023
99
He's asleep. I wish he was awake, or we could just talk for longer but I already hear him snoring. Lmfao. God, I do love him a lot. He doesn't love me back anymore, not in the way I do. But he still cares for me like a dear friend would. I can tell he's already very tired of just making sure I don't kill myself. But every day I don't get to be with him hurts me. He'll find someone eventually, and he'll be happier without me. We're both suicidal but he gets angry when I want to push through with it. We've broken up a long time ago, he himself told me he's staying friends with me because he doesn't want me to kill myself.

But what's the point, you know? Cos like, I'm literally only alive and living for him. What happens if he one day spontaneously kills himself? Lord knows he won't listen to me, it's not like I'm his girlfriend. And I'm tired of worrying him.

Just last week, he shared a hotel room with three other women. I told him I was about to end it soon because he hasn't been replying to my text for two days. I'm pathetic, I know. He called me from the hotel rooftop, yelling at me to get my shit together. That even if he was fucking them, what was it to me? That he can just not talk to me for six months and I can't do anything about it. You know? He chooses to pick up my calls, and spend time with me and make sure I don't do stupid decisions and I'm here planning to kill myself all because he and I won't work out.

He's tired, as well am I. I have to stay awake for six to eight hours, my family will attend my brother's graduation mass and they'll be away for a good four to six hours, I will drink this as soon as they leave. Doesn't SN turn into Nitrate though if left in the air like this? I shouldn't probably have scooped it out of the bottle if I'm not drinking it right away.

I'm shaking. I don't really want to do this, if I'm honest with you. But I'm chronically sick all the time and I'm tired of living with BPD. I'm too weak to keep going, but I'm also a coward for buying more time (six to eight hours) granted, I'm just currently fasting to empty my stomach as it's only 1am right now and my last meal was back at 11pm.

I still don't have any meto, but there's antiacids in the cabinet and some paracetamol. I'll be okay, I'll be fine. The anxiety and S.I. is getting to me.
 

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sugarh1gh

sugarh1gh

Death is new departure and beggining of a journey.
May 27, 2024
329
Yeah, if you are not going to drink it in couple of hours, SN could be changed to nitrate, which will reduce your chance. It's best when you mix it right before you drink.

I am so sorry that it feels like no one cares about you enough. While you have time, seriously think about whether you want to do this or not. It's okay to back out. Overcoming SI is very hard.
 
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R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,264
If you are not sure and you don't really wanna do this, do you wish to give your self sometime to decide what you want out of this life and properly plan it if you wish to?
 
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notevenhere

notevenhere

Ghost Angel
Apr 27, 2023
99
Yeah, if you are not going to drink it in couple of hours, SN could be changed to nitrate, which will reduce your chance. It's best when you mix it right before you drink.

I am so sorry that it feels like no one cares about you enough. While you have time, seriously think about whether you want to do this or not. It's okay to back out. Overcoming SI is very hard.
Thank you! I only really have you guys here in SS. 😭 Really, really thankful to be able to share my thoughts and feelings in a place that's super safe without the stress and fear of being called by the cops or be placed on a psych ward or lose friends over this because it's "crazy" and "selfish" — with that said, I don't want to waste this batch of SN so I'll test it out by doing a blood test and prepare two new cups in the morning!
 
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sugarh1gh

sugarh1gh

Death is new departure and beggining of a journey.
May 27, 2024
329
Thank you! I only really have you guys here in SS. 😭 Really, really thankful to be able to share my thoughts and feelings in a place that's super safe without the stress and fear of being called by the cops or be placed on a psych ward or lose friends over this because it's "crazy" and "selfish" — with that said, I don't want to waste this batch of SN so I'll test it out by doing a blood test and prepare two new cups in the morning!
Sounds good! Glad you are prepared. Yeah, this forum definitely brings me some comfort as I can never really share with anyone else. I wish you that everything goes as planned, so you can finally rest in peace.
 
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notevenhere

notevenhere

Ghost Angel
Apr 27, 2023
99
If you are not sure and you don't really wanna do this, do you wish to give your self sometime to decide what you want out of this life and properly plan it if you wish to?
thank you for asking me this, i appreciate you giving me an opening to talk about how i feel

truthfully, i don't see any future— it makes sense, nobody knows what the future holds, obviously but what i mean is, there is no plan. there's no hope of me ever getting better. I've given up on trying because my own family members like to roll over their backs and just wait for the catastrophe to pass by until it's over. for me, it won't get better unless i actually get out of this house and go to college or get a job but I'm being locked here in my room for having a disability that's honestly not even all that bad and since we're living in poverty and my abusive dad hates me i don't have the means to escape and grow. my mom denies me medical care, too. I've been quite sick the past few days and I'm just running on painkillers.

truthfully, if there was a way for me to live a comfortable life, i would. but these are the cards I'm dealing with and I want to forfeit than keep playing the game.
 
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rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,264
thank you for asking me this, i appreciate you giving me an opening to talk about how i feel

truthfully, i don't see any future— it makes sense, nobody knows what the future holds, obviously but what i mean is, there is no plan. there's no hope of me ever getting better. I've given up on trying because my own family members like to roll over their backs and just wait for the catastrophe to pass by until it's over. for me, it won't get better unless i actually get out of this house and go to college or get a job but I'm being locked here in my room for having a disability that's honestly not even all that bad and since we're living in poverty and my abusive dad hates me i don't have the means to escape and grow. my mom denies me medical care, too. I've been quite sick the past few days and I'm just running on painkillers.

truthfully, if there was a way for me to live a comfortable life, i would. but these are the cards I'm dealing with and I want to forfeit than keep playing the game.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. No one deserves that. Whatever you may end up deciding, I wish you the best in finding the peace and freedom you long for ❤️🫂
 
U

unusally alive

Member
Jun 4, 2024
76
He's tired, as well am I. I have to stay awake for six to eight hours, my family will attend my brother's graduation mass and they'll be away for a good four to six hours, I will drink this as soon as they leave. Doesn't SN turn into Nitrate though if left in the air like this? I shouldn't probably have scooped it out of the bottle if I'm not drinking it right away.

I'm shaking. I don't really want to do this, if I'm honest with you. But I'm chronically sick all the time and I'm tired of living with BPD. I'm too weak to keep going, but I'm also a coward for buying more time (six to eight hours) granted, I'm just currently fasting to empty my stomach as it's only 1am right now and my last meal was back at 11pm.

I still don't have any meto, but there's antiacids in the cabinet and some paracetamol. I'll be okay, I'll be fine. The anxiety and S.I. is getting to me.
Kind of unfortunate that i found you at such a short notice, but would you be open to talk a bit more about BPD with me? I would be very interested in hearing your views on certain things, since i myself most likely have the same condition.
 
notevenhere

notevenhere

Ghost Angel
Apr 27, 2023
99
He's asleep. I wish he was awake, or we could just talk for longer but I already hear him snoring. Lmfao. God, I do love him a lot. He doesn't love me back anymore, not in the way I do. But he still cares for me like a dear friend would. I can tell he's already very tired of just making sure I don't kill myself. But every day I don't get to be with him hurts me. He'll find someone eventually, and he'll be happier without me. We're both suicidal but he gets angry when I want to push through with it. We've broken up a long time ago, he himself told me he's staying friends with me because he doesn't want me to kill myself.

But what's the point, you know? Cos like, I'm literally only alive and living for him. What happens if he one day spontaneously kills himself? Lord knows he won't listen to me, it's not like I'm his girlfriend. And I'm tired of worrying him.

Just last week, he shared a hotel room with three other women. I told him I was about to end it soon because he hasn't been replying to my text for two days. I'm pathetic, I know. He called me from the hotel rooftop, yelling at me to get my shit together. That even if he was fucking them, what was it to me? That he can just not talk to me for six months and I can't do anything about it. You know? He chooses to pick up my calls, and spend time with me and make sure I don't do stupid decisions and I'm here planning to kill myself all because he and I won't work out.

He's tired, as well am I. I have to stay awake for six to eight hours, my family will attend my brother's graduation mass and they'll be away for a good four to six hours, I will drink this as soon as they leave. Doesn't SN turn into Nitrate though if left in the air like this? I shouldn't probably have scooped it out of the bottle if I'm not drinking it right away.

I'm shaking. I don't really want to do this, if I'm honest with you. But I'm chronically sick all the time and I'm tired of living with BPD. I'm too weak to keep going, but I'm also a coward for buying more time (six to eight hours) granted, I'm just currently fasting to empty my stomach as it's only 1am right now and my last meal was back at 11pm.

I still don't have any meto, but there's antiacids in the cabinet and some paracetamol. I'll be okay, I'll be fine. The anxiety and S.I. is getting to me.
Guys, be careful handling SN. I just made direct contact with my bare hands, an hour later: I just vomited and I feel like vomiting more and my heart beat is racing really fast but that's also probably my anxiety. i am also feeling very dizzy lol
 
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nightlygem

nightlygem

La Joya
Sep 27, 2023
184
Guys, be careful handling SN. I just made direct contact with my bare hands, an hour later: I just vomited and I feel like vomiting more and my heart beat is racing really fast but that's also probably my anxiety. i am also feeling very dizzy lol
I had no idea SN could have that effect. Very scary… I hope all goes well for you. Please update us to make sure that you're ok.
 
notevenhere

notevenhere

Ghost Angel
Apr 27, 2023
99
I had no idea SN could have that effect. Very scary… I hope all goes well for you. Please update us to make sure that you're ok.
I don't know if it has anything to do with my weak body but I should probably mention I threw away the two cups of SN to the sink as another commenter here told me it'll turn into Nitrate if exposed to the air like that. Some got to my skin as I was rinsing it off with water.

Don't fuck around with SN. I'm still throwing up until now, this is my third time. Im still spacing out and doing my best not to move. Moving makes me feel dizzy, the fast heartbeat did go away, though!!

I'm 100% sure I'm not gonna die, I'm still alive right now. I didn't ingest anything. Just skin contact.

I'm convinced that if you take SN with meto and benzo, the CTB would feel very peaceful.
Kind of unfortunate that i found you at such a short notice, but would you be open to talk a bit more about BPD with me? I would be very interested in hearing your views on certain things, since i myself most likely have the same condition.
Hello, unfortunately: I am alive.

Ask away, my bpd has done nothing but ruin my life, the least I can do is provide some insight. I've been diagnosed this year but it was a lengthy process, I was diagnosed first with bipolar and the bipolar meds wasn't working. BPD is a tricky thing to assess.
 
Last edited:
NoLoveNoHope

NoLoveNoHope

Mage
Mar 25, 2023
554
You might want to read this thread about the stability of SN. Your skin can also absorb SN which isn't as talked about as it probably should so most people learn the hard way. If you're throwing up from skin contact then you should probably get meto or at least another anti-emetic as I assume taking it orally would increase the chances of throwing up. The PPH has a few other options for anti-emetics listed and I remember seeing a few other threads on here with other easily obtainable anti-emetics like Quetiapine. Depending on your country you might be able to get meto OTC + another drug so you I'd recommend looking it up.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I hope you find peace.
 
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Fragile_

Fragile_

cold as ice
Jun 2, 2024
8
Well, judging from what you've said, it seems to me that if you were to continue living you'd definitely need to move on from your ex-boyfriend. It's very sad to see someone stuck in one sided relationship, not getting the same feelings back. Frustrating, sad situation with unfortunately no other solution than letting go.

Hopefully you'll figure it out or maybe you'll choose the other option, lots of strenght either way.
 
P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
10,026
I'm sorry you have to go through this. How r u now? 🫂
 
U

unusally alive

Member
Jun 4, 2024
76
Ask away, my bpd has done nothing but ruin my life, the least I can do is provide some insight. I've been diagnosed this year but it was a lengthy process, I was diagnosed first with bipolar and the bipolar meds wasn't working. BPD is a tricky thing to assess.
Did you know beforehand or better said did you think you everything was normal up until your diagnosis? Do you feel empty? Do you agree with your BPD diagnosis? If you had the choice would you rather be someone else, not any specific person just anyone else?
 

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