notevenhere
Ghost Angel
- Apr 27, 2023
- 99
He's asleep. I wish he was awake, or we could just talk for longer but I already hear him snoring. Lmfao. God, I do love him a lot. He doesn't love me back anymore, not in the way I do. But he still cares for me like a dear friend would. I can tell he's already very tired of just making sure I don't kill myself. But every day I don't get to be with him hurts me. He'll find someone eventually, and he'll be happier without me. We're both suicidal but he gets angry when I want to push through with it. We've broken up a long time ago, he himself told me he's staying friends with me because he doesn't want me to kill myself.
But what's the point, you know? Cos like, I'm literally only alive and living for him. What happens if he one day spontaneously kills himself? Lord knows he won't listen to me, it's not like I'm his girlfriend. And I'm tired of worrying him.
Just last week, he shared a hotel room with three other women. I told him I was about to end it soon because he hasn't been replying to my text for two days. I'm pathetic, I know. He called me from the hotel rooftop, yelling at me to get my shit together. That even if he was fucking them, what was it to me? That he can just not talk to me for six months and I can't do anything about it. You know? He chooses to pick up my calls, and spend time with me and make sure I don't do stupid decisions and I'm here planning to kill myself all because he and I won't work out.
He's tired, as well am I. I have to stay awake for six to eight hours, my family will attend my brother's graduation mass and they'll be away for a good four to six hours, I will drink this as soon as they leave. Doesn't SN turn into Nitrate though if left in the air like this? I shouldn't probably have scooped it out of the bottle if I'm not drinking it right away.
I'm shaking. I don't really want to do this, if I'm honest with you. But I'm chronically sick all the time and I'm tired of living with BPD. I'm too weak to keep going, but I'm also a coward for buying more time (six to eight hours) granted, I'm just currently fasting to empty my stomach as it's only 1am right now and my last meal was back at 11pm.
I still don't have any meto, but there's antiacids in the cabinet and some paracetamol. I'll be okay, I'll be fine. The anxiety and S.I. is getting to me.
But what's the point, you know? Cos like, I'm literally only alive and living for him. What happens if he one day spontaneously kills himself? Lord knows he won't listen to me, it's not like I'm his girlfriend. And I'm tired of worrying him.
Just last week, he shared a hotel room with three other women. I told him I was about to end it soon because he hasn't been replying to my text for two days. I'm pathetic, I know. He called me from the hotel rooftop, yelling at me to get my shit together. That even if he was fucking them, what was it to me? That he can just not talk to me for six months and I can't do anything about it. You know? He chooses to pick up my calls, and spend time with me and make sure I don't do stupid decisions and I'm here planning to kill myself all because he and I won't work out.
He's tired, as well am I. I have to stay awake for six to eight hours, my family will attend my brother's graduation mass and they'll be away for a good four to six hours, I will drink this as soon as they leave. Doesn't SN turn into Nitrate though if left in the air like this? I shouldn't probably have scooped it out of the bottle if I'm not drinking it right away.
I'm shaking. I don't really want to do this, if I'm honest with you. But I'm chronically sick all the time and I'm tired of living with BPD. I'm too weak to keep going, but I'm also a coward for buying more time (six to eight hours) granted, I'm just currently fasting to empty my stomach as it's only 1am right now and my last meal was back at 11pm.
I still don't have any meto, but there's antiacids in the cabinet and some paracetamol. I'll be okay, I'll be fine. The anxiety and S.I. is getting to me.