It is really cyncial how they ruin my life over and over again. They sabotage all my attempts to recover. I spend so much time and energy in recovery but it is all so hopeless. It is really unfair how my conditions torture me. They know my weaknesses and are highly self-destructive. They prevent me of fulfilling my deepest desires and make me so unhappy. I give you some examples. But first: I have bipolar, psychosis and OCD. I am extremely desperate how I shall earn money. I think poverty will drive me to commit suicide.
Working and perfomance stress triggers me extremely hard. I take huge amounts of anit-manic medication which are not really working just because it triggers me so fucking hard. It triggers me so hard because I was abused by mom as a child and teenager. She pressured me in an insane way. I am still pressuring me till today every single day. This pressure is torturing me. I think it is very inhuman what a pressure I am experiencing every single day. I think many people would kill themselves with all my conditions. I am fighting for surivival so hard. But my situation seems to be very hopeless. I will fight on but I have my limits and red lines. In the end my recovery attempt could kill me in case it backfires and I get a new manic episode. The only thing which prevents a new manic epsiode is addictive medication. Yeah I could get a drug addict this will likely increase my chances to have a fulfilling life. (irony) What a fucking joke! I am very scared about addiction.
My conditions not only make it probably impossible to get a stable income. No also meeting women triggers me. Even more than the working and studying. So I am probably condemned of being alone forever. I have such a deep desire to have a partner. But this is just the reason why it triggers me so much. I want it too much. So much that I overthink the interactions in an extreme and absurd way. Which ruined so far every attempt to get a girfriend. I am just today this evening very likely delusional about a very beautiful woman in college. My brain thinks she has a crush on me. It is quite ridiculous. This is probably not sane. Just because my desire is so huge my condition ruins it. Honestly fuck my life. Like I have the delusion she has recognized I am mentally ill but still likes me too much so that she wants to be together with me. This illness is really treacherous and plays with my emotions. When I have the feeling she had a crush on me I always get kind of manic. My conditions are really hostile to my life. It feels like they want to drive me to commit suicide. I really ask myself what I have done to deserve that. The truth is life is really unfair. My mom who has in contrast to me a wonderful life and has barely pain. She has no damage due to the abuse. When I tell her she killed me/ that I experience an everyday hellhole she has a guilty conscience for like 5 minutes and then moves on.
These condtions know what I am fearing the most. How they can torture me the most. How they can inflict the most pain on me. And they do it over and over again. I am extremely scared that people laugh about me and my behavior. I am obsessed how people think of me. And during my manias and psychosis I acted like a complete fool. I flirted with women who just thought that I am really weird or mentally ill. I am extremely sensitive to humiliation and this humiliated me in an extreme waxy. The shame after the manias were extremely intense and torturing. Also the extreme psychosomatic pain was unbelievable brutal. I almost killed me after the last one. I am planning to kill myself when this cynical shit comes back. I can't endure this shit again. The pain was so extreme. Unimaginable for average people.
Oh an don't forget I have to feel like a criminal when I want to exit this life peacefully. I really hate that. I want to be a law-abiding citizen but the society and politicians force me to illegal actions in case I don't want to jump in front of train or hang myself. Currently I always think about jumping in front of a train when I am at a train station. But I think I would not do it. I have read horrible stories of people who survived that.
Thank you for reading it. I had to vent. My life is so insane and nightmarish. I will probably be the butt of the joke when I fighted like an obsessed but still feel forced to kill myself. Like I can analyze my situation but I can't really change it. I am so desperate.
Working and perfomance stress triggers me extremely hard. I take huge amounts of anit-manic medication which are not really working just because it triggers me so fucking hard. It triggers me so hard because I was abused by mom as a child and teenager. She pressured me in an insane way. I am still pressuring me till today every single day. This pressure is torturing me. I think it is very inhuman what a pressure I am experiencing every single day. I think many people would kill themselves with all my conditions. I am fighting for surivival so hard. But my situation seems to be very hopeless. I will fight on but I have my limits and red lines. In the end my recovery attempt could kill me in case it backfires and I get a new manic episode. The only thing which prevents a new manic epsiode is addictive medication. Yeah I could get a drug addict this will likely increase my chances to have a fulfilling life. (irony) What a fucking joke! I am very scared about addiction.
My conditions not only make it probably impossible to get a stable income. No also meeting women triggers me. Even more than the working and studying. So I am probably condemned of being alone forever. I have such a deep desire to have a partner. But this is just the reason why it triggers me so much. I want it too much. So much that I overthink the interactions in an extreme and absurd way. Which ruined so far every attempt to get a girfriend. I am just today this evening very likely delusional about a very beautiful woman in college. My brain thinks she has a crush on me. It is quite ridiculous. This is probably not sane. Just because my desire is so huge my condition ruins it. Honestly fuck my life. Like I have the delusion she has recognized I am mentally ill but still likes me too much so that she wants to be together with me. This illness is really treacherous and plays with my emotions. When I have the feeling she had a crush on me I always get kind of manic. My conditions are really hostile to my life. It feels like they want to drive me to commit suicide. I really ask myself what I have done to deserve that. The truth is life is really unfair. My mom who has in contrast to me a wonderful life and has barely pain. She has no damage due to the abuse. When I tell her she killed me/ that I experience an everyday hellhole she has a guilty conscience for like 5 minutes and then moves on.
These condtions know what I am fearing the most. How they can torture me the most. How they can inflict the most pain on me. And they do it over and over again. I am extremely scared that people laugh about me and my behavior. I am obsessed how people think of me. And during my manias and psychosis I acted like a complete fool. I flirted with women who just thought that I am really weird or mentally ill. I am extremely sensitive to humiliation and this humiliated me in an extreme waxy. The shame after the manias were extremely intense and torturing. Also the extreme psychosomatic pain was unbelievable brutal. I almost killed me after the last one. I am planning to kill myself when this cynical shit comes back. I can't endure this shit again. The pain was so extreme. Unimaginable for average people.
Oh an don't forget I have to feel like a criminal when I want to exit this life peacefully. I really hate that. I want to be a law-abiding citizen but the society and politicians force me to illegal actions in case I don't want to jump in front of train or hang myself. Currently I always think about jumping in front of a train when I am at a train station. But I think I would not do it. I have read horrible stories of people who survived that.
Thank you for reading it. I had to vent. My life is so insane and nightmarish. I will probably be the butt of the joke when I fighted like an obsessed but still feel forced to kill myself. Like I can analyze my situation but I can't really change it. I am so desperate.
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