I sum up my current situation. I mean it is not like I am bitching about that like every single day. I had today my meeting from someone from my support network. She does not know how severe my suicidality is. She considered my humor a good sign. In German there is a good term which fits to my humor instead: "Galgenhumor". I try to translate it somehow. It is like dark humor but literally it means it is humor of people who are sentenced to death (by hanging). This is sums up my life pretty much.
College is bonecrushing. I am way too fragile for that. Though it is my only chance to get a job. Everything else failed very early on. Though college life is not that pretty too. I have OCD, bipolar, anxiety etc on a daily basis. I don't really know how I managed to come this far. It seems like a miracle to somehow prevent a breakdown. I take addictive medication which is the sole reason I have made it this far. At the same time I am very anxious about addiction and the stigma that comes along with it. Unitl now I could dodge addiction. But holy shit my life is hell.
So far my manic and psychotic symptoms got worse with each semester. I noticed that and wanted to take countermeasures. This is why I took very few courses this semester. I am not sure whether it is inherent in my condition that a breakdown is inevitable. I assume yes it seems like that. I am pretty good in my time plan with the courses. However something destabilizes me severely. One course is early in the morning. Which is completely fucking with my brain. I almost got a psychosis because of that two weeks ago. I increased the dosage of my emergency medication which saved my ass.
I am extremely fragile because of that morning course. And I have to go to the lecture otherwise my anxiety will be too much. The whole thing is pretty rigged against me. I know it will force me to commit suicide one day. I hope at least that I can postpone that as long as possible. It is all so cynical.
I have now some holidays. I took the addictive (emergency) medication way too often in the last weeks. So I try to reduce the tolerance of the medication. So this is my second day I did not take them. The first day I was awake at 4 a.m. and pretty agitated. Today I slept way better. But my manic symptoms increased more and more within the day. It is pretty scary how manic I am. If I am so manic the break won't help much. If it remains like that the holidays won't calm me down.
So I am in a dilemma. Either I take the medication and become an addict or I relapse and have to kill myself soon. I think in the end I have to take them it is way better to become slightly addicted than to get a psychosis. My main goal must be that the tolerance is not that extreme. In the last semester it was pretty sick. I was on the edge of a psychosis despite the fact I took the emergency medication every single day. It might be similar this semester. I hope it won't be worse. If I am in the position to decide between addiction and psychosis I have to take the addiction. I have pretty long holidays after the exams. In this time I won't take the medication and I try to lose the tolerance.
I could go on. The situation is extremely rigged against me. It is such a hellish to position to be in. I am so cornered. The worst is that my mom had a stroke and I am scared that if I kill myself (or survive) that she will get another one. So suicide became even more difficult. I told many people in my support network that I could go to an online university instead. But my family and support network pressure me not to do that. I am not sure whether it would really work. But I am not sure how long I can prevent breakdown if I won't make major changes. Even if I don't kill myself the situation with my mom will be nightmarish. After the psychosis I have extreme pain and my illness is caused by the abuse with my mom. I often confront her with that fact when I am in extreme pain. Well I should not do that due to her stroke. But honestly my hatred will be way too much to shout my mouth. My life is a living nightmare!
College is bonecrushing. I am way too fragile for that. Though it is my only chance to get a job. Everything else failed very early on. Though college life is not that pretty too. I have OCD, bipolar, anxiety etc on a daily basis. I don't really know how I managed to come this far. It seems like a miracle to somehow prevent a breakdown. I take addictive medication which is the sole reason I have made it this far. At the same time I am very anxious about addiction and the stigma that comes along with it. Unitl now I could dodge addiction. But holy shit my life is hell.
So far my manic and psychotic symptoms got worse with each semester. I noticed that and wanted to take countermeasures. This is why I took very few courses this semester. I am not sure whether it is inherent in my condition that a breakdown is inevitable. I assume yes it seems like that. I am pretty good in my time plan with the courses. However something destabilizes me severely. One course is early in the morning. Which is completely fucking with my brain. I almost got a psychosis because of that two weeks ago. I increased the dosage of my emergency medication which saved my ass.
I am extremely fragile because of that morning course. And I have to go to the lecture otherwise my anxiety will be too much. The whole thing is pretty rigged against me. I know it will force me to commit suicide one day. I hope at least that I can postpone that as long as possible. It is all so cynical.
I have now some holidays. I took the addictive (emergency) medication way too often in the last weeks. So I try to reduce the tolerance of the medication. So this is my second day I did not take them. The first day I was awake at 4 a.m. and pretty agitated. Today I slept way better. But my manic symptoms increased more and more within the day. It is pretty scary how manic I am. If I am so manic the break won't help much. If it remains like that the holidays won't calm me down.
So I am in a dilemma. Either I take the medication and become an addict or I relapse and have to kill myself soon. I think in the end I have to take them it is way better to become slightly addicted than to get a psychosis. My main goal must be that the tolerance is not that extreme. In the last semester it was pretty sick. I was on the edge of a psychosis despite the fact I took the emergency medication every single day. It might be similar this semester. I hope it won't be worse. If I am in the position to decide between addiction and psychosis I have to take the addiction. I have pretty long holidays after the exams. In this time I won't take the medication and I try to lose the tolerance.
I could go on. The situation is extremely rigged against me. It is such a hellish to position to be in. I am so cornered. The worst is that my mom had a stroke and I am scared that if I kill myself (or survive) that she will get another one. So suicide became even more difficult. I told many people in my support network that I could go to an online university instead. But my family and support network pressure me not to do that. I am not sure whether it would really work. But I am not sure how long I can prevent breakdown if I won't make major changes. Even if I don't kill myself the situation with my mom will be nightmarish. After the psychosis I have extreme pain and my illness is caused by the abuse with my mom. I often confront her with that fact when I am in extreme pain. Well I should not do that due to her stroke. But honestly my hatred will be way too much to shout my mouth. My life is a living nightmare!
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